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How is it any different from a man walking up "in real life" and saying, "hello, is this seat taken?" and then sit with you and start talking? To someone who just started online dating and has no experience, it comes across the same (at first). You compare things to "real life." It's only later that you realize these are spam messages people send.
There's currently an active thread debating the merits of cold-approach in real life. Jillabean's point conveys nicely to indicate why cold-approach in real life is offensive. It's a spiel, a tactic, a scheme for insinuating oneself in a stranger's life - and it's very annoying.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ohio_peasant
There's currently an active thread debating the merits of cold-approach in real life. Jillabean's point conveys nicely to indicate why cold-approach in real life is offensive. It's a spiel, a tactic, a scheme for insinuating oneself in a stranger's life - and it's very annoying.
Only if you do it wrong and it isn't welcome.
If it is welcome, it is welcome The woman I dated before the person I'm seeing now I chatted up at a bus stop and we dated for awhile. Never saw her before, but the conversation was welcome, not offensive or annoying, apparently.
Your problem is that you're messaging the wrong people. Whenever I talk to people about "online dating," they often view it as a service to get hookups. In other words, it's a new, lazy way to meet people for one-night stands. Therefore, looks are essentially the only thing that matters, which is why you see so many profiles where people are doing douchy things, like having their shirts off and flexing or thrusting their boobs forwards with a duckface that they think is hot. As far as women go, no offense, but they're no better than the men. If you go by what they say, they want some guy who they can talk to and who isn't just into chasing women around and who can write more than two sentences intelligibly. That's not true at all. Like you, I'm an average-looking person, but I'll read a person's profile and shoot out a question about something we have in common or try to just start up a conversation just to talk to people and nobody ever responds. This even though the entire profile is about how they're tired of superficiality and would like to meet someone they can just talk to and so on. So, basically, a lot of women have a fantasy view of what life they'd like to live, but they don't actually mean it.
If you'd like to know how I look at women online, although it's just an anecdote, here's how I do it. Also, since I'm trying to help you out a little, if you tell me off and say I'm being superficial, then I'll just stop talking. First off, I eliminate smokers or women who are obese because I'm in shape. I'm not muscular, but I run, so I'm lean. Basically, I'm not terribly interested in women who don't at least do a little exercise, although I also dislike women who are ripped or who are anorexic. I know that as soon as a guy writes "I don't like obese women" every woman assumes they mean they want a supermodel. No, I'm not looking for a "thigh gap" but is it too much to ask for no double chin? Second of all, no kids. I want kids, but I don't want to raise some other guy's kids. Divorced is pretty iffy. I'm generally against it simply because it says something that you married someone and it didn't work out. Like, either you jumped the gun or you just stink at evaluating people. Those are pretty much my only "rule outs," which to me is not too bad.
After that, I read their profiles. If they're really stupid or ditzy, I tend to avoid them because I can't see a long-term relationship with that. I sort of like the ones where the girls are self-deprecating, but the problem is women heard that and now EVERY profile is women busting on themselves, which gets old. Oh, also, a huge turn-off for me is when a woman writes "I'm over the bar scene now" or "I'm looking for a guy who is a man." I'm actually not into the bar scene at all, but when someone writes that they're "over the bar scene," to me that means that they were the type of woman who hung out at bars and had one-night stands and NOW they want a serious relationship. Yeah, fine, but not with me. That's skank central. Or if they write they want a guy who is a man, I'm like "if you're meeting immature guys, maybe the problem is YOU being immature. Ever think of that?"
Basically, I like a profile that is just normal, like someone talking to another person. More information is better. Be honest about what you like and dislike, rather than writing what you think the other person wants to hear. Now, that being said, I've never heard back from anyone, so maybe I'm not the person to ask, but that's what I know about online interactions.
Online dating can be a mixed bag. There are gems and duds, but it takes time, effort, patience, discernment, and some critical assessment to weed out the undesirables. Since you're dealing with more people, possibly more attention and options, having a system in place for how to deal with it efficiently, helps.
It isn't all bad, but it isn't rainbows, puppies and sunshine all the time, either. There are successes.
There's currently an active thread debating the merits of cold-approach in real life. Jillabean's point conveys nicely to indicate why cold-approach in real life is offensive. It's a spiel, a tactic, a scheme for insinuating oneself in a stranger's life - and it's very annoying.
I actually gave a strong consideration to cold approaching a woman yesterday at the market.
Only problem was instead of her coming and standing next to me while I picked up some yogurt, and picking out her yogurt too, she continued to stand behind me until I picked out my yogurt and left the section. At that point, I read the social cue as she was there to shop and not be bothered. I think people who are open to communicating will put themselves in situations to communicate. Either at the market while standing a little close to your personal space to better engage conversation or even accidently bumping into you (not always planned). This is why I pay attention to my surroundings and just very seldom cold approach. I've done it before with the result of casual conversation and then we went our separate ways.
I have to confess, while I don't recommend cold approaches (because they don't work on most people and a lot of people do find them intrusive) I respond well to them if they are nice/respectful. I am a naturally friendly and outgoing person. I like to talk to people... anyone. I once started chatting up a man in a museum only to find out later he was the Lt. Governor of the state I was in, lol. And I like it when people talk to me. I've actually met a lot of my friends that way. Never met a boyfriend that way though.
I actually gave a strong consideration to cold approaching a woman yesterday at the market.
Only problem was instead of her coming and standing next to me while I picked up some yogurt, and picking out her yogurt too, she continued to stand behind me until I picked out my yogurt and left the section. At that point, I read the social cue as she was there to shop and not be bothered. I think people who are open to communicating will put themselves in situations to communicate. Either at the market while standing a little close to your personal space to better engage conversation or even accidently bumping into you (not always planned). This is why I pay attention to my surroundings and just very seldom cold approach. I've done it before with the result of casual conversation and then we went our separate ways.
Yes, in our culture the tradition is that women are the primary initiators of 'cold' approaches, and they usually do so nonverbally.
Of course you always have to try to guess whether she actual was interested, and just did not want to impose on you...
I actually gave a strong consideration to cold approaching a woman yesterday at the market.
Only problem was instead of her coming and standing next to me while I picked up some yogurt, and picking out her yogurt too, she continued to stand behind me until I picked out my yogurt and left the section. At that point, I read the social cue as she was there to shop and not be bothered. I think people who are open to communicating will put themselves in situations to communicate. Either at the market while standing a little close to your personal space to better engage conversation or even accidently bumping into you (not always planned). This is why I pay attention to my surroundings and just very seldom cold approach. I've done it before with the result of casual conversation and then we went our separate ways.
You basically froze. You do what I do (and most guys), which is that you planned it all out in your head and then she didn't do what you planned and so you froze. I do that ALL the freakin' time. Like I go, "she'll stand here and then I'll 'spontaneously' turn to her and say ..." and then she instead doesn't and I just sit there waiting for her to move to the spot I was waiting for. It's a terrible feeling.
You basically froze. You do what I do (and most guys), which is that you planned it all out in your head and then she didn't do what you planned and so you froze. I do that ALL the freakin' time. Like I go, "she'll stand here and then I'll 'spontaneously' turn to her and say ..." and then she instead doesn't and I just sit there waiting for her to move to the spot I was waiting for. It's a terrible feeling.
It's not me freezing. Not every situation I run into with someone is meant to turn into anything more than me doing my own thing and them doing there's. Sure, you have to take advantage of the moment at times, but that situation had more negative than positive upside to me. I've had plenty of casual conversations at the market, but they all had the same commonality, they just all happened out of chance.
It's not me freezing. Not every situation I run into with someone is meant to turn into anything more than me doing my own thing and them doing there's. Sure, you have to take advantage of the moment at times, but that situation had more negative than positive upside to me. I've had plenty of casual conversations at the market, but they all had the same commonality, they just all happened out of chance.
OK, but there was no "social cue" that she was just there to shop just because she stood behind you instead of next to you. You could have easily turned around and said whatever you were going to say, right? BTW, props to you for talking to anyone at a supermarket. I have no idea what people talk about when they say they meet people at stores. Like "mmm, this yogurt will taste good when I eat it!!"
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,943,649 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sobaloba
OK, but there was no "social cue" that she was just there to shop just because she stood behind you instead of next to you. You could have easily turned around and said whatever you were going to say, right? BTW, props to you for talking to anyone at a supermarket. I have no idea what people talk about when they say they meet people at stores. Like "mmm, this yogurt will taste good when I eat it!!"
Ask them about their item they're grabbing (which is coincidentally a different brand of, or something similar to, what you're reaching for at the moment) and its attributes... and go from there...
Don't make statements, ask leading questions.
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The woman I dated before the person I'm seeing now I chatted up at a bus stop and we dated for awhile. Never saw her before, but the conversation was welcome, not offensive or annoying, apparently.
