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That should be common sense, but you seem to think that if they're good looking that is all that matters as far as wanting to meet, so we're clearly on a different page.
Are you sure you're not emailing them because you're afraid of rejection?(not trying to arrogant with you. I just know guys that do this and say what you say because of fear of rejection. It's quite common)
Personality is most important, but you have to talk to someone to see if you click personality wise. Not based on a profile. What are women looking for? Most are looking to date and see where things go.
Jillabean, mass emailing sounds sleazy so a lot of guys don't want to admit to it.(Even though it absolutely is not! It's just hello and seeing if people are interested in talking)
Some guys also don't like to admit to being rejected to.
Three different types of guys....
1)Guys that lie and don't want to seem like they're getting rejected a lot.
2)Guys who complain about all their failures/cry me a river/friendzone guys
3)Guys that have a ton of success with women and everything comes easy and women chase them(5% of men) Dr. Mcdreamy lol
When I first stated doing online dating, I'd send out long personalized emails. Sent out 50 emails with zero replies. Again, not much different that the real world where I'd approach 50 women in coffee shops with same results. Women need to understand that most men have trouble finding a woman who feels a spark/attraction with them. It's really important for a man to put themselves out there. They can't wait around for a woman to approach them! I did the personalized emails for hundreds of emails. It was terrible. Started mass emailing and suddenly had one week where I had 3 dates in one week and the next week 2. After months with ZERO dates. It was obvious what the effective strategy was for a average joe.
I honestly don't care that men do it or not--it's not my business. And I don't judge because of it. If it works for you, I say do it and I wish you the best.
But from my perspective, I had to draw the line somewhere because of too much e-mail. I'd get 1-4 "real" messages a week and that was enough conversations for me to handle. I couldn't begin to read the spam messages let alone open or respond to them. Anyway, because of volume, for me, spam e-mail was the first to go. I didn't even read it.
Of course, I also gave up online dating all together--just doesn't suit the way I fall for a guy. Like I said, I need to get to know him first, figure out if I am attracted to him, then date. For me, online dating just threw that all up in the air and mixed it up (date first, then get to know him, then figure out if you are attracted). Just didn't work for me.
Are you sure you're not emailing them because you're afraid of rejection?(not trying to arrogant with you. I just know guys that do this and say what you say because of fear of rejection. It's quite common)
Personality is most important, but you have to talk to someone to see if you click personality wise. Not based on a profile. What are women looking for? Most are looking to date and see where things go.
Back when I did OLD If I seen a woman I think is super hot but is a diehard Christian and doesn't seem like she enjoys fun, or has a negative profile filled with ridiculous laundry lists I hit the back button.
There's plenty of normal people around, why chase crazy?
I don't think there is such a disparity. I am very attractive for my age with a good body to boot, and I date men who are less attractive than I am quite often. I will have a coffee or drink meet with just about anyone local who seems interesting and normal. Is there a trusted friend or family member who can critique your profile and pics for you, maybe there is something in there that you don't see that is making women not responsive to you?
I too dated less attractive men. In fact my boyfriend is less attractive but we click. I didn't meet him online though. I met men based more on their profile (like morals)and interests over looks usuall.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jillabean
My online dating experience was lots of guys spamming me with "hi! how r u" and every guy that could actually construct a sentence was looking for a third (so to speak), was crazier than a bag of cats, or if he was normal figured I was his soul mate and wanted to talk marriage after a couple of dates (moved way, way too fast for me). Didn't help that I rather get to know a man first, figure out if I like him, THEN date. I never could get the hang of the whole "date a stranger" thing. So I stopped OLD. Of course, I think online dating experience varies by age, area, and site you are on too.
It's why I stopped online dating. I needed the friends first and most guys didn't want that. I assume most had female friends they fell for but they didn't like them so not again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mikelizard860
That might sound nice, but the.......
Ughh...the dreaded "no chemistry date".
And guys wonder why they hear from a woman there's "no chemistry" often on online first dates that never turn into anything and are a complete waste of time. Who wants to go on dates like that? It gets your hopes up for nothing. Especially if you really like the girl.
I've had guys tell me no chemistry. It's not one sided.
Btw I am attractive but most of the guys who contacted me, ugh no way. If they were decent (read: brushed their hair and were smiling, not slobs with frowns)and the message was nice and they were what I wanted then I chatted. If they didn't fit this then no, I wasn't interested. Most of these guys were not what I wanted, like psycho, married men, men just wanting sex, much older/younger men, men with kids and illiterate men.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,981,862 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by mikelizard860
Are you sure you're not emailing them because you're afraid of rejection?(not trying to arrogant with you. I just know guys that do this and say what you say because of fear of rejection. It's quite common)
Personality is most important, but you have to talk to someone to see if you click personality wise. Not based on a profile. What are women looking for? Most are looking to date and see where things go.
Yes, I'm sure. If they don't write back, who cares? But generally when I've done OLD 40% or so do write back, often more.
It is really like you're not reading what I'm writing. I said compatibility. Personality is important, but if there isn't compatibility, there is no point for me to write. But if a person writes a high quality profile, you definitely can get a strong sense of their personality. I can't tell chemistry. For that I need to meet, but I can definitely get a feel for their personality, as they can from my profile.
And I'm not just focused on what women want. Sorry, not enough. What I want matters too. It is a two way street, so writing someone that doesn't interest me is a waste of time.
I've literally seen 100s and 100s of men, many good looking/cool guys who are able to have success in real life, say that the only way they got any responses at all online is to go after women way less attractive than themselves. That really seems to be the only way to succeed as a man in OLD - if you're good looking, fit, young, successful, go after 35 year old overweight moms
What causes the monstrous disparity?
What causes the disparity? Simple. MEN. Men, even married men, join dating sites and send messages to every attractive woman they see. It doesn't matter if they don't meet her requirements. They'll message her anyway because they figure they have nothing to lose. Over time, this'll cause a lot of women to leave the site, causing the ratio of men to women to become skewed. The women who remain discover they have tons of options, though not all of them are good. Don't blame women for being picky or not responding to your messages. If I were getting tons of messages a day, I'd ignore a lot of them too. Don't blame the dating site. They just set up a place for you to meet. They don't police it or tell women to reply to every message they get. You wanna assign blame? Look no further than other men. Men in general are why dating sites are so frustrating. You could be a perfect match for someone, but thanks to all the other idiots emailing her who don't even meet her requirements, your email gets lost in the pile. And finally, she gets fed up with guys wanting sex or creepy old guys wanting younger women or young guys wanting cougars. And so she just turns off her profile. Maybe dating sites should allow users to set what kind of men can even message them. I bet that would make online dating better for both genders.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,981,862 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane
Maybe dating sites should allow users to set what kind of men can even message them. I bet that would make online dating better for both genders.
The old personal site on The Onion Personals used to have this feature. If you messaged someone and you fell outside of their criteria (if they enacted this filter), the message wasn't delivered and you were told it wasn't.
I think this would help a lot too, but I'm sure there are business reasons they don't do it.
I too dated less attractive men. In fact my boyfriend is less attractive but we click. I didn't meet him online though. I met men based more on their profile (like morals)and interests over looks usuall.
It's why I stopped online dating. I needed the friends first and most guys didn't want that. I assume most had female friends they fell for but they didn't like them so not again.
I've had guys tell me no chemistry. It's not one sided.
Btw I am attractive but most of the guys who contacted me, ugh no way. If they were decent (read: brushed their hair and were smiling, not slobs with frowns)and the message was nice and they were what I wanted then I chatted. If they didn't fit this then no, I wasn't interested. Most of these guys were not what I wanted, like psycho, married men, men just wanting sex, much older/younger men, men with kids and illiterate men.
Guys use that line "no chemistry" a lot. Women really relate well to it. It's probably the best way to let down a women you don't like. I use it myself.
Yes of course you didn't like most of the men that emailed you! Thus the reason for the importance of mass emailing for men. Those men you thought were ugly(women are very picky) had no chance and writing a longe message would have been a waste of time. Even if you aggreed to meet, it probably wouldn't have gone past date 1. They did a study that showed that women thought 75% of men on a dating site were ugly. Women are biologically programmed to be very picky when it comes to looks.
P.S. I hope your b/f isn't reading this. If I had a g/f and she talked about me like and calling me less attractive I'd dump her ass on the spot! lol People deserve a partner that thinks they're good looking.
IMO, you shouldn't have your hopes up about a stranger period. IMO also, trying to determine if there's chemistry before even meeting is the waste of time. No one likes dates with no chemistry, but I can have a pleasant conversation with just about anyone, chemistry or not, and even if not, it's only drinks or coffee, so not that long anyway.
All I can say is I did it the other way for years, and since I started being more open I have many more dates and meeting more quality people. There are many men who I didn't think there'd be chemistry with beforehand who actually meshed well in person.
It's why I did a coffee date first (well soda, I don't drink coffee). It's impossible to know if there is chemistry before meeting.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011
I think it must be hard not to to get your hopes up, when you're looking forward to meeting someone in person for the first time. But yes, the flip side is that you have not met in person, so your expectations should not be so high that it's a devastation if you don't "click".
It does stink when you meet and there is no chemistry but I look at it as finding out early.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jillabean
I am not a man, but I don't think anyone can know chemistry by looks. Think about it. What is chemistry outside of relationships? It's when you mix a bunch of stuff together and see if there is a reaction, right? I think the term "chemistry" comes from the idea that you mix a bunch of traits of you and that other person together and see if there is mutual interest. I also think chemistry has lost it's meaning because without looks that both are mutually attracted to, there usually is no chemistry (so people think it's about looks). But if take away anything important and there is no chemistry. You both might look great to each other but if he or she doesn't have a kind personality and is mean and you can't stand that... probably no chemistry.
Looks figure into chemistry just like hydrogen would figure into a chemical reaction. But one thing sitting by itself doesn't make a chemical reaction and one facet of a human being (looks, personality, humor, etc) doesn't make "chemistry" you have to mix them all together to get the chemistry. And I for one, can't tell that from a picture and a few e-mails. I say just meet and see if you click.
BINGO! Chemistry isn't just based on looks but many things.
It's also been my experience when I was online dating. I would say 80% are 30+ overweight single moms. It was hard to find a woman around my age that didn't have 1-3 kids 20-30lbs overweight.
Since about 70-75% of the general population is overweight and most women over 30 are moms, that sounds about right. Truth is guys that there isn't as much of a disparity as you seem to think. Since most men who OL date believe that women receive 100s of message for every one they get, women will no doubt lie about how many messages they get bc we don't want to be seen as undesirable. Yes, the hot young chicks under 25 no doubt receive a lot of messages, but the number declines quite a lot with age.
All a man my age would have to do to get an attractive date would be to message someone closer to his age but most of the reasonably decent looking ones my age are looking for someone 20 years younger. I think I look pretty good for my age, but I often get no responses when I message first, even though I don't often message the hotties unless we really have a lot in common. OL dating is probably hard on everyone's ego and if I were a man I'd try to ramp it up irl and learn to ask gals out bc I don't think many women message men first. I'm an exception though--I send at least as many as I receive.
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lol
