I want a baby and my husband doesn't and wants me to stop getting upset about it (call, divorce)
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No she shouldn't do that either, that never seems to work out well. Can't make someone want kids.
My sister-in-law succeeded in changing my brother's mind. He ok'ed it, recognizing that giving in was better than divorce. It took him some time to warm to the kids, once they arrived. But once he did, he really got into parenting. Now that they're grown, all he can talk about is how great his kids are doing, as a reflection of what he considers his brilliant parenting skills. (Hint--it's still all about him.)
Committed child-free men can change. I've seen it happen, in more than once case.
I think the problem that others have identified is if she does divorce, she may not find another lover, and then she'll be left without her husband or a child.
The question is, is she able to afford/willing to go to a sperm bank, or adopt. In that case, the divorce option becomes more attractive.
Then again, it's really hard for me to advise because apparently my biological clock is on perma-Snooze.
Let's not forget there's so much more involved. Does she have a job, and if so, does she make enough money to be able to afford to raise a child on her own? Who would do baby care and infant care? Does she even want to have a child on her own, without a companion and co-parent? I think what you point out in your first paragraph there is the big sticking point for the OP. If she gets divorced and takes the plunge into the unknown, she may find a guy, or she may not. And for all that trouble, even if she did find a good guy, she might have another miscarriage.
It's a very thorny decision she has to make. I suppose one piece of advice not given so far is to simply wait out this hormonal surge, and by her early 40's, it may have passed, and live will have moved on. Maybe.
I think the problem that others have identified is if she does divorce, she may not find another lover, and then she'll be left without her husband or a child.
The question is, is she able to afford/willing to go to a sperm bank, or adopt. In that case, the divorce option becomes more attractive.
Then again, it's really hard for me to advise because apparently my biological clock is on perma-Snooze.
She can adopt if she doesn't find the right guy in time. If she is serious about this, she will realize that she can have both the good guy and the kid. There are no time restraints if she looks at it that way.
I know I spent too much of my youth just going with the bird in the hand, now I actively pursue things and take chances and the rewards have been tremendous!
I never settle for second best now, I advise her to do the same.
She can adopt if she doesn't find the right guy in time. If she is serious about this, she will realize that she can have both the good guy and the kid. There are no time restraints.
I know I spent too much of my youth just going with the bird in the hand, now I actively pursue things and take chances and the rewards have been tremendous!
I never settle for second best now, I advise her to do the same.
I personally agree with the adoption route, but not everyone does. Also, you have to consider that adopting a child, even an older one, can be a long and difficult process, particularly for a single parent.
I'm not saying you are wrong at all, but I do think that the OP has a lot to consider. (BTW, has she even posted since her original post?)
My sister-in-law succeeded in changing my brother's mind. He ok'ed it, recognizing that giving in was better than divorce. It took him some time to warm to the kids, once they arrived. But once he did, he really got into parenting. Now that they're grown, all he can talk about is how great his kids are doing, as a reflection of what he considers his brilliant parenting skills. (Hint--it's still all about him.)
Committed child-free men can change. I've seen it happen, in more than once case.
Well my wife was reluctant too and to be honest I would have been better off marrying someone better suited to having kids. It was much harder than it needed to be because she had no idea what she was doing. I mean yes, she has adapted to it, but she doesn't have the same joy or even instinct about it that I do. However, it's been done and our relationship has gotten better now that the kids are out of the toddler years. She seems better able to handle school-aged kids than babies or toddlers. We almost didn't make it though. I'm just trying to help others make better choices than I did.
Well my wife was reluctant too and to be honest I would have been better off marrying someone better suited to having kids. I mean yes, she has adapted to it, but she doesn't have the same joy about it that I do. However, it's been done and our relationship has gotten better now that the kids are out of the toddler years. It almost didn't make it though. I'm just trying to help others not make the same mistake.
Good point. Having kids can strain even the best of relationships, according to studies.
About the adoption option you mentioned; that wouldn't solve the OP's problem, by my understanding. She's longing for that pregnancy experience. When those hormones hit, it's about going through the gestation process, and birthing. It's not about having a baby, any baby, or toddler, around to raise. That's how I read her OP.
My sister-in-law succeeded in changing my brother's mind. He ok'ed it, recognizing that giving in was better than divorce. It took him some time to warm to the kids, once they arrived. But once he did, he really got into parenting. Now that they're grown, all he can talk about is how great his kids are doing, as a reflection of what he considers his brilliant parenting skills. (Hint--it's still all about him.)
Committed child-free men can change. I've seen it happen, in more than once case.
And sometimes they don't. And that's a HUGE mess. I can't imagine if my father had taken some time to "warm to" me. I was his little buddy right from the time I came home from the hospital.
My father is not a good man, but I was on the receiving end of his best efforts from the very beginning. I cannot imagine being a child who didn't receive that. I can't imagine being a woman having a kid with a man who wasn't willing to provide that.
Good point. Having kids can strain even the best of relationships, according to studies.
About the adoption option you mentioned; that wouldn't solve the OP's problem, by my understanding. She's longing for that pregnancy experience. When those hormones hit, it's about going through the gestation process, and birthing. It's not about having a baby, any baby, or toddler, around to raise. That's how I read her OP.
And no, she hasn't been back to the thread.
I guess for women the experience of pregnancy is more important. Though I have to say it was nice seeing my wife pregnant, she looked so shining and radiant! And the way she surprised me with announcing baby #2 by putting a positive pregnancy test on my desk when I was engrossed in my work while in a super serious mood just makes me smile.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Port North
Sure there is, it's called divorce. Personally I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than having to live with someone who got in the way of fullfilling a key part of my life.
I say take the chance, you won't regret it. Go for the BIG D baby!
Marrying and spending your life with the person you're in love with is a key part of most people's lives.
My sister-in-law succeeded in changing my brother's mind. He ok'ed it, recognizing that giving in was better than divorce. It took him some time to warm to the kids, once they arrived. But once he did, he really got into parenting. Now that they're grown, all he can talk about is how great his kids are doing, as a reflection of what he considers his brilliant parenting skills. (Hint--it's still all about him.)
Committed child-free men can change. I've seen it happen, in more than once case.
As have I. Not saying it should happen for anyone...but it definitely does.
Last edited by ChessieMom; 09-25-2014 at 04:46 PM..
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