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I'm so sad for you OP. While you went into a marriage planning not to have kids, it's understandable that you have changed your mind. People grow, change directions - part of the human experience. Being a mother, I understand what a powerful pull it is. I went into a marriage not desiring kids (as did my SO), but we both changed our minds on that one - and don't regret a thing.
It's sad but I think separation is a good option - it will give you both time to re-evaluate and make a final decision on this one. I know one couple where the wife wanted a child (the husband did not, but agreed to be the sperm donor if she promised to provide all parenting), so they had the kid and wife provides 100% of the care/attention. The hubby barely interacts with the kid which is heartbreaking. They would have been better off separating while she raised the child.
Don't feel bad about that. That's normal dating behavior.
Yes, exactly. There are no guarantees in those young relationships. People are getting experience at being in a relationship, they're checking each other out to see if there's serious LTR potential. And I don't know why some people keep fixating on the 20's as "prime husband-hunting years", as if it's all over once women go past 29. Really the early 30's are the prime spouse-hunting years, because people are more mature, they know themselves better, their brains have completed the final stage of development, they're more ready. Don't beat yourself up, Sandy Jet.
I'm so sad for you OP. While you went into a marriage planning not to have kids, it's understandable that you have changed your mind. People grow, change directions - part of the human experience. Being a mother, I understand what a powerful pull it is. I went into a marriage not desiring kids (as did my SO), but we both changed our minds on that one - and don't regret a thing.
It's sad but I think separation is a good option - it will give you both time to re-evaluate and make a final decision on this one. I know one couple where the wife wanted a child (the husband did not, but agreed to be the sperm donor if she promised to provide all parenting), so they had the kid and wife provides 100% of the care/attention. The hubby barely interacts with the kid which is heartbreaking. They would have been better off separating while she raised the child.
That's a terrible thing to do to a kid. If a boy, that child will be at risk of growing up having no idea how to be a male role model and parent. If a girl, she'll be at risk for troubled relationships and poor choices in that regard, lower self-esteem in relating to partners.
That's a terrible thing to do to a kid. If a boy, that child will be at risk of growing up having no idea how to be a male role model and parent. If a girl, she'll be at risk for troubled relationships and poor choices in that regard, lower self-esteem in relating to partners.
I know, it's horrible. It upsets me every time I see them. They are pretty forthcoming about it - they take the time to explain the arrangement so that another parent doesn't ever call the hubby for a playdate, carpool, school info, etc. He explains that he is completely hands-off with the parenting - that it was his wife's choice to have a child, so she is raising her. They even take separate vacations (e.g. only the wife and child go to Disneyworld, etc.). BTW, they are both doctors (he is quite a bit older than her and set in his ways). Divorce would have been a better option for all involved IMO.
I know, it's horrible. It upsets me every time I see them. They are pretty forthcoming about it - they take the time to explain the arrangement so that another parent doesn't ever call the hubby for a playdate, carpool, school info, etc. He explains that he is completely hands-off with the parenting - that it was his wife's choice to have a child, so she is raising her. They even take separate vacations (e.g. only the wife and child go to Disneyworld, etc.). BTW, they are both doctors (he is quite a bit older than her and set in his ways). Divorce would have been a better option for all involved IMO.
Oh, great. So the child feels TOTALLY rejected by the father! They should start a therapy fund for when she gets older, alongside her college fund. She'll need it. What a cold jerk. He can't even enjoy his offspring's company, play with her occasionally, give her a hug? That's not sharing parenting chores, that's just natural human warmth.
How could someone stay married to such a cold fish? These two actually get along??
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GoCUBS1
I know, it's horrible. It upsets me every time I see them. They are pretty forthcoming about it - they take the time to explain the arrangement so that another parent doesn't ever call the hubby for a playdate, carpool, school info, etc. He explains that he is completely hands-off with the parenting - that it was his wife's choice to have a child, so she is raising her. They even take separate vacations (e.g. only the wife and child go to Disneyworld, etc.). BTW, they are both doctors (he is quite a bit older than her and set in his ways). Divorce would have been a better option for all involved IMO.
I know, it's horrible. It upsets me every time I see them. They are pretty forthcoming about it - they take the time to explain the arrangement so that another parent doesn't ever call the hubby for a playdate, carpool, school info, etc. He explains that he is completely hands-off with the parenting - that it was his wife's choice to have a child, so she is raising her. They even take separate vacations (e.g. only the wife and child go to Disneyworld, etc.). BTW, they are both doctors (he is quite a bit older than her and set in his ways). Divorce would have been a better option for all involved IMO.
Wait, do they still co-habitate despite him not wanting anything to do with the child?
I firmly believe that someone's desire to have or not to have children should be respected, but he put himself in this situation, and that's just maddening--not only that he would suggest it, but that she would accept it.
As for the OP's situation, it's very sad. As others have pointed out, our ideals and desires sometimes change as we get older, so there could have been no predictor that this would have happened when the OP and her husband were first married.
Everyone has parents. The logical conclusion of your position is that everyone is obligated to reproduce, whether they want to or not.
Actually, that's not quite the logical conclusion of his position. If he has multiple offspring, one one would have to have kids in order to continue the family line. The others could remain child-free.
Oh, great. So the child feels TOTALLY rejected by the father! They should start a therapy fund for when she gets older, alongside her college fund. She'll need it. What a cold jerk. He can't even enjoy his offspring's company, play with her occasionally, give her a hug? That's not sharing parenting chores, that's just natural human warmth. How could someone stay married to such a cold fish? These two actually get along??
He's a total a**hole. Just talking about it makes me want to go over and key his car or something. The wife and daughter are nice though. I have no idea how they can live in that arrangement. The wife once confided that her dad had several mistresses that her mom accepted, and she rarely saw her dad. Her dad is a well-known philanthropist (e.g. hospital wings named after him) so it was pretty shocking info. So I think the wife has a pretty skewed sense of child rearing also.
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So the child feels TOTALLY rejected by the father! They should start a therapy fund for when she gets older, alongside her college fund. She'll need it. What a cold jerk. He can't even enjoy his offspring's company, play with her occasionally, give her a hug? That's not sharing parenting chores, that's just natural human warmth.
