Thinking about hotel for the night to escape silent treatment (married, men)
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Your husband is behaving like a petulant child. Next time he does it tell him to grow up or gtfo. He has a issue be a man bring it up and say what's bugging him. You ( and I mean this in a nice way) are at fault for allowing him to treat you like this. He wants to be a little girl and give you the silent treatment? It's only fair you wear the balls and tell him to grow a set too. Stop putting up with his PMS days. This is just im not getting my way or I'm punishing you for some perceived infraction of my rules. The reason this keeps happening is because you're not standing up. So he treats you like a doormat. And you're letting him.
He wants to withold communication, affection, sex etc. Fine let him. But it doesn't mean you need to walk on eggs around him. I would tell him to his face to grow up the next time he does it. He keeps this up tell him you will move on with your life and needs. You shouldn't have to leave. I would go as far as packing a bag for him and tell him to come back when he knows how to behave like a adult. If he doesn't know the meaning go look it up or learn it.
When my wife and I have a issue we communicate. Sure once in a while we get mad about something and we may not come to terms right then, and we don't speak to each other but it's a few hours before one of us brings a olive branch and we discuss the issue. Then it's settled and we move on. Discussion and communication is what separates a adult person from a child. A marriage is a give and take. He wants to play this bs game tell him he can do it by himself
Yep. An ex of mine used to try to pull that crap on me. If we had a tiff on the phone he would hang up on me and go to bed angry. He gets it from his mother, who does the same thing to people. (I once took all family off my FB and she wouldn't speak to me for months, or acknowledge me at a wedding.)
I told him he was never going to do that to me again without consequences. Well, he tried it again, and I got in my car, drove over to his house, barged in, and confronted him, just slapped my key down on the table in front of him and told him if he wanted to sulk like a spoiled rotten brat, he could do so with someone else. Effin' nerve of him, but he never did it again. Of course, he ended up crying, which at the time I thought was because he loved me and was upset at the thought of breaking up, but which I see now was just more sociopathic manipulation. (Sociopaths tend to dissolve into tears when faced with the possibility of losing their source.)
OP what you do when he gives you the silent treatment, return the favor except you double or triple down on it. he does it for four days, you do it for two more weeks to him, ie four days plus two weeks. he does it for two weeks, he gets virtually nothing from you for three months after. you get the idea. when he asks why, you tell he that if he wants to be a petulant child, he is going to get the same thing back in spades. if he doesnt want that then he mans up and gets into the relationship like a man should, or he files for divorce and pays through the nose to learn a very expensive lesson.
Bohm, I usually agree with you, but this just sounds like petulant children trying to one-up each other. Trying to outdo each other. Someone in the picture has to be the adult. The OP should always communicate with him clearly, so if she feels she needs to leave the scene, she should communicate why, and where she's going, and leave him to his own devices. She should also say that counseling is called for, even though she knows he doesn't want that. It's the only adult way to deal with the situation.
OP what you do when he gives you the silent treatment, return the favor except you double or triple down on it. he does it for four days, you do it for two more weeks to him, ie four days plus two weeks. he does it for two weeks, he gets virtually nothing from you for three months after. you get the idea. when he asks why, you tell he that if he wants to be a petulant child, he is going to get the same thing back in spades. if he doesnt want that then he mans up and gets into the relationship like a man should, or he files for divorce and pays through the nose to learn a very expensive lesson.
I think it's better to speak up and confront the situation. Someone needs to be the adult in the relationship. I just won't put up with it. My wife knows if something bothers her that I'm doing she can come out and say it. I'm not gonna sulk cry and suck my thumb in the fetal position.I much prefer a open honest relationship than one fraught with emotional mind game and mentally abusive land mines. Who has time for that high school bs? In fact I would never continue a relationship where my so is playing some games. It either stops or I move on.
Lots of people stay in bad relationships because they think by staying it will get better. Then they figure it out 10-12+ years down the road. Good thing is they figure it out, bad thing it's 10-12 years down the road.
Good luck OP. I hope you work it out I really do. But if you can't don't grow old with a person like that. Tell him to get help. If he won't get moving with your life.
I'm sorry OP but why would you want to continue living your life like this??? To be purposely ignored by your husband???? You can do better than that. That's childish and full of games. You need to do some serious thinking on your part. Life is too short!!!!! GL
Wow, I am so sorry. Your husband is being extremely manipulative, he is like a petulant child. I would definitely try and talk to him when he isn't given you the silent treatment and seek counseling.
Your husband is behaving like a petulant child. Next time he does it tell him to grow up or gtfo. He has a issue be a man bring it up and say what's bugging him. You ( and I mean this in a nice way) are at fault for allowing him to treat you like this. He wants to be a little girl and give you the silent treatment? It's only fair you wear the balls and tell him to grow a set too. Stop putting up with his PMS days. This is just im not getting my way or I'm punishing you for some perceived infraction of my rules. The reason this keeps happening is because you're not standing up. So he treats you like a doormat. And you're letting him.
He wants to withold communication, affection, sex etc. Fine let him. But it doesn't mean you need to walk on eggs around him. I would tell him to his face to grow up the next time he does it. He keeps this up tell him you will move on with your life and needs. You shouldn't have to leave. I would go as far as packing a bag for him and tell him to come back when he knows how to behave like a adult. If he doesn't know the meaning go look it up or learn it.
When my wife and I have a issue we communicate. Sure once in a while we get mad about something and we may not come to terms right then, and we don't speak to each other but it's a few hours before one of us brings a olive branch and we discuss the issue. Then it's settled and we move on. Discussion and communication is what separates a adult person from a child. A marriage is a give and take. He wants to play this bs game tell him he can do it by himself
My husband has a history of giving me the silent treatment. The last time was in July and lasted 4 days. During the silent treatment phase, he won't talk to me, won't tell me what's wrong, withholds affection & sex, just completely ignores me. Unless, of course, we happen to be around other people and then he talks around me. You'd have to be really perceptive to realize he's ignoring me. He's actually really good at it. Typically, the silent treatment starts because I ask him for something, he gets mad and just shuts me out. Eventually, (anywhere from days to weeks), he'll decide I'm forgiven, I guess, and then treat me like nothing has happened.
During these periods of the silent treatment, I am a mess. I'm anxious, can't sleep, can't eat, I worry that he's having an affair or is going to leave me. I've tried to ignore it, while letting him know that I'm willing to listen and talk. It is just agonizing and at this point, I'm starting to get worried about me. The last time he did this, I told him exactly how it made me feel, promised I'd never do it to him (because it is so painful) and asked that he never risk losing me or our marriage by doing this ever again. He seemed to agree. I thought he got it. Apparently not.
I'd like to add that I'm not perfect. But I am willing to work with him, make concessions, try to change my behavior, etc. The problem is that the silent treatment doesn't offer me the chance to do any of this because I'm never sure, exactly, what I've done to deserve it. I've told him this repeatedly.
Anyway, yesterday he got mad at me, refused Thanksgiving dinner, and apparently I'm getting the silent treatment again.
I am not looking forward to being ignored tonight. I would really, really like to go to a local hotel with a spa and pool for tonight. I really want to go to a crazy happy movie and then just spend the night and escape my life for 24 hours.
The thing that is stopping me is that I want to make sure he doesn't think I'm abandoning the marriage or leaving him. I would be really hurt if he spent the night in a hotel. I would seriously be freaking out. I don't want to do that to him.
I also don't want to force his hand. If he's planning to leave me, I need a few months (ideally 6) to get things in order.
Does anyone have any advice?
Don't fool around, get things in order now and prepare for what ever eventuality comes your way. I'm surprised that you don't know what you did to set him off, think about it, I bet you can come up with a reason. If him spending a night in a motel would hurt you, why,oh why would you do that knowing it would hurt him? You didn't mention your age, but I assume you are no longer in junior high school. Relationships are funny things, but usually when you are in a relationship you try to do what make your mate happy, not what hurts them. You say you ask for something and that set him off. What was it a piece of the moon? I think you have two choice's, see a counselor and learn how to make each other happy and get along with one another, or see an attorney and end this thing. I suspect the reason you get the silent treatment is because he feels he can't talk to you, and it is futile for him to try. He may also realize that what he says in anger, he can't take back. He needs to also realize that being quiet doesn't solve any problems, problems need to be talked about out in the open, that is where a counselor comes in. Neither of you are right in your thinking all the time.
Op one thing I've observed about cd over the years is that some people are always pushing for separation even when they are in a far worse situation that the case they're responding to. Take our advice with a grain of salt.
Communication clearly is the key but as you have stated in your original post, you are no angel and have not told us things you do that lead to these random acts of silent treatments. Talk to your husband when he calms down and try to come up with a way to address issues that trigger these sort of behavior. You are clearly doing something that is resulting in this silly behavior.
Is it possible that he is manipulative as suggested? Sure! But remember that it is also possible that he doesn't know how to express his emotions when he feels you've done something upsetting. If the dude is a bad husband overall then You weigh your options but this is not a criminal offense. You should definitely confront him. Don't do something stupid because randoms like me are reacting to a one sided post that isn't painting the entire picture; you don't see your flaws and can't describe it as you are ....his.....Get the advice of trained professionals to help get your marriage where you want it to be.
Bohm, I usually agree with you, but this just sounds like petulant children trying to one-up each other. Trying to outdo each other. Someone in the picture has to be the adult. The OP should always communicate with him clearly, so if she feels she needs to leave the scene, she should communicate why, and where she's going, and leave him to his own devices. She should also say that counseling is called for, even though she knows he doesn't want that. It's the only adult way to deal with the situation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Electrician4you
I think it's better to speak up and confront the situation. Someone needs to be the adult in the relationship. I just won't put up with it. My wife knows if something bothers her that I'm doing she can come out and say it. I'm not gonna sulk cry and suck my thumb in the fetal position.I much prefer a open honest relationship than one fraught with emotional mind game and mentally abusive land mines. Who has time for that high school bs? In fact I would never continue a relationship where my so is playing some games. It either stops or I move on.
Lots of people stay in bad relationships because they think by staying it will get better. Then they figure it out 10-12+ years down the road. Good thing is they figure it out, bad thing it's 10-12 years down the road.
Good luck OP. I hope you work it out I really do. But if you can't don't grow old with a person like that. Tell him to get help. If he won't get moving with your life.
normally i would agree with you two about someone turning the tables as i suggested. but in this case she is going to have to do it to him to show him what the silent treatment is doing to her, and she cant just tell him because he wont listen. he is going to have to experience it for himself. and chances are this guy can dish it out, but cant take it. my bet is that he crys like a baby to her when she does it to him, and then she can actually talk to him, and force him to man up and stop the silent treatments.
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