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My husband has a history of giving me the silent treatment. The last time was in July and lasted 4 days. During the silent treatment phase, he won't talk to me, won't tell me what's wrong, withholds affection & sex, just completely ignores me. Unless, of course, we happen to be around other people and then he talks around me. You'd have to be really perceptive to realize he's ignoring me. He's actually really good at it. Typically, the silent treatment starts because I ask him for something, he gets mad and just shuts me out. Eventually, (anywhere from days to weeks), he'll decide I'm forgiven, I guess, and then treat me like nothing has happened.
During these periods of the silent treatment, I am a mess. I'm anxious, can't sleep, can't eat, I worry that he's having an affair or is going to leave me. I've tried to ignore it, while letting him know that I'm willing to listen and talk. It is just agonizing and at this point, I'm starting to get worried about me. The last time he did this, I told him exactly how it made me feel, promised I'd never do it to him (because it is so painful) and asked that he never risk losing me or our marriage by doing this ever again. He seemed to agree. I thought he got it. Apparently not.
I'd like to add that I'm not perfect. But I am willing to work with him, make concessions, try to change my behavior, etc. The problem is that the silent treatment doesn't offer me the chance to do any of this because I'm never sure, exactly, what I've done to deserve it. I've told him this repeatedly.
Anyway, yesterday he got mad at me, refused Thanksgiving dinner, and apparently I'm getting the silent treatment again.
I am not looking forward to being ignored tonight. I would really, really like to go to a local hotel with a spa and pool for tonight. I really want to go to a crazy happy movie and then just spend the night and escape my life for 24 hours.
The thing that is stopping me is that I want to make sure he doesn't think I'm abandoning the marriage or leaving him. I would be really hurt if he spent the night in a hotel. I would seriously be freaking out. I don't want to do that to him.
I also don't want to force his hand. If he's planning to leave me, I need a few months (ideally 6) to get things in order.
Does anyone have any advice?
This is passive aggressive behavior, and it's a form of domestic violence. The best way to be released by the passive aggressiveness is to not allow it to effect you. I know it's hard, it brings anxiety, but that's what will fuel his behavior. If you don't allow it to effect you, best way would be to just go about your day, invite your friend's over, or go visit. Do yard work, whatever, anything that will not show any effect from his silence. The best would be if you actually look forward to having him silent....guarantee when that gets through, that the behavior will stop.
Sometimes the silent treament means you have had it with her stuff and a week with out it is nice. It was a needed break for everyone and a chance to reset the relationship emotionaly. Sometimes people in relationships hit below the belt and it's better to say nothing rather than try to one up them. Remember that old saying if you don't have any thing good to say.....
Some counsellors think men who are prone to violence do better by being silent and not escalating a situation.
This works with confrontations with males or females. If communication was easy there would be virtually no divorce. If the op decides to seek therapy the op will have to forget about all the advice on CD. You can't go into a therapist and say my husband is a petulant jerk fix him so I can be happy.
It seems that your wife interpreted your (negative) nonverbal communication accurately. Good thing for her because not everybody is good at this. Some people just stay and continue to fight with their spouse.
Do you think it would be even worse if you just came out and said, "Honey, we need to take time to ourselves occasionally"?
Even so, I know of couples who would never say this to each other. However, they do take time for themselves and do not wait until communication has broken down.
Silent treatment is among the worse form of abuse. You have to decide how much you are willing to tolerate.
You have discussed how you feel when he does the silent treatment act. He can see what he is doing to you and yet he continues to punish you by doing what he knows hurts you most.
I'd rather that than the physical abuse so common now days. Often one has to think ;do I listen even when we discuss things or does it become a battle which often leads to former.
Not everyone is a target for the silent treatment. The type of person who demands to be heard and hates to be ignored is more often a target. It seems our brains may predispose us to women being the target of the silent treatment an men dishing it out. I am not sure why so many responses have been so hard on the man when it is his biological nature to be silent and the women’s to want to keep talking. Instead of this being abuse it could be his reverting to a” fetal position” only a trained therapist can get that out of him.
New research indicates there’s a biological reason why women talk so much more than men: 20,000 words a day spoken by the average woman, according to one study, versus about 7,000 words a day for the average man.
Women’s brains have higher levels of a “language protein” called FOXP2, according to a study conducted by researchers at the University of Maryland School of Medicine.
“The major finding that we discovered was that this protein FOXP2 is involved in vocalization,” Mike Bowers, who led the study’s team of researchers, told TODAY.
“We can’t say that this is the end-all-be-all reasoning. but it is one of the first avenues with which we can start to explore why women tend to be more verbal than men.”
Ignoring someone is one of the worst, most inconsiderate, most destructive, most abusive things that one person can do to another person. If it's any consolation, the psychology behind shutting people out is usually not fixable, as it's just one of many tools in a controlling person's toolbox. The control issues are usually the cause, and the behavior(s) the symptom.
While I'm not too quick to tell anyone to dissolve a relationship, control issues and manipulation are so problematic (especially under those circumstances), you might be much better off. The only thing you can do is avoid triggering the behavior, and if you truly don't know how to do that--if it can be done at all--it won't get any better.
Not everyone is a target for the silent treatment. The type of person who demands to be heard and hates to be ignored is more often a target. It seems our brains may predispose us to women being the target of the silent treatment an men dishing it out. I am not sure why so many responses have been so hard on the man when it is his biological nature to be silent and the women’s to want to keep talking. Instead of this being abuse it could be his reverting to a” fetal position” only a trained therapist can get that out of him.
New research indicates there’s a biological reason why women talk so much more than men: 20,000 words a day spoken by the average woman, according to one study, versus about 7,000 words a day for the average man.
Women’s brains have higher levels of a “language protein” called FOXP2, according to a study conducted by researchers at the University of Maryland School of Medicine.
“The major finding that we discovered was that this protein FOXP2 is involved in vocalization,” Mike Bowers, who led the study’s team of researchers, told TODAY.
“We can’t say that this is the end-all-be-all reasoning. but it is one of the first avenues with which we can start to explore why women tend to be more verbal than men.”
When you are around a man who utters maybe 10-100 words a day due to giving the silent treatment, that's not reverting to nature.
Women are being; abandoned, murdered, beat, raped and cheated on by their husbands but the silent treatment has emerged as the worst thing that can happen to a wife? Have some perspective,
I know we think we are going to be in these relationships were everything is hash out calmly and amenably when there is a disagreement, but people act out and someone has to give in perhaps all the time to keep the relationship. Trust me it is much easier to wait it out because you are not dealing with a kid or an adolescent. Always treat your spouse like another adult even if you think they are not acting like one.
Last edited by thriftylefty; 12-02-2014 at 01:20 PM..
Women are being; abandoned, murdered, beat, raped and cheated on by their husbands but the silent treatment has emerged as the worst thing that can happen to a wife?
I have not seen a post where someone said it was THE WORST thing.
And it has not been said that it is "the man's" nature to talk less.
What's happening here is the same thing as bullying by exclusion in middle school (purposely leaving someone out), which, while not as overt as having some thug say, "Gimme your lunch money," is just as harmful and harder to combat.
Stop trying so hard to defend something that isn't happening and read what actually is happening: Someone who has promised to love her above all others on Earth is actively choosing to shut her out and void her existence when they are together.
Not everyone is a target for the silent treatment. The type of person who demands to be heard and hates to be ignored is more often a target. It seems our brains may predispose us to women being the target of the silent treatment an men dishing it out. I am not sure why so many responses have been so hard on the man when it is his biological nature to be silent and the women’s to want to keep talking. Instead of this being abuse it could be his reverting to a” fetal position” only a trained therapist can get that out of him.
New research indicates there’s a biological reason why women talk so much more than men: 20,000 words a day spoken by the average woman, according to one study, versus about 7,000 words a day for the average man. Women’s brains have higher levels of a “language protein” called FOXP2, according to a study conducted by researchers at the University of Maryland School of Medicine. “The major finding that we discovered was that this protein FOXP2 is involved in vocalization,” Mike Bowers, who led the study’s team of researchers, told TODAY. “We can’t say that this is the end-all-be-all reasoning. but it is one of the first avenues with which we can start to explore why women tend to be more verbal than men.”
That's really here nor there. Yes its the consensus that women are more verbal. In no way does that translate that men's "nature" is to be silent.
Not paying attention to someone because they talk to much and giving someone the silent treatment (non-communication) out of anger or hurt are entirely different things.
Women are being; abandoned, murdered, beat, raped and cheated on by their husbands but the silent treatment has emerged as the worst thing that can happen to a wife? Have some perspective,
I know we think we are going to be in these relationships were everything is hash out calmly and amenably when there is a disagreement, but people act out and someone has to give in perhaps all the time to keep the relationship. Trust me it is much easier to wait it out because you are not dealing with a kid or an adolescent. Always treat your spouse like another adult even if you think they are not acting like one.
All these worse things don't make the silent treatment any less.
Your perspective reminds me of something my ex SIL said one day when we had a conversation about my ex's alcohol abuse and related issues and how it was destroying our marriage. She said, "at least he doesn't hit you".
Like that should somehow make our other problems any less real or any less important and I should just be grateful I wasn't being beaten.
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