Thinking about hotel for the night to escape silent treatment (guy, love)
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Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
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I actually didn't go to a hotel last night because I ended up going to the movies with my two best friends and had a really nice time. I felt really good so decided to go home. Plus, I was so incredibly exhausted that I knew I'd pass out from exhaustion which is exactly what happened.
He is now answering basic questions; but otherwise ignoring me. This is his pattern. Total silent treatment. Then he will answer very basic questions. Eventually, he will/want need something and then just act like nothing has happened. The basic-talking-but-still-emotionally-withdrawn-phase could last anywhere from days to weeks. Hard to tell. At this point, it's not really mattering a whole lot to me any more.
What did I do to deserve the silent treatment, emotional withdrawal? Nothing. Nobody deserves this. Nobody deserves to sit in their own house and watch their dog receive more affection than they do. But to answer everyone's questions, on Thanksgiving day, I asked him to chop veggies. I was doing the entire dinner alone (which is okay, I love to cook) and got really behind. I explained this to him and just asked if he would chop some veggies for me. He went off and started yelling at me, saying I should've been better organized and some other stuff and then....BOOM. He left and put his earbuds in and that was that. My family happened to be at my house and they confirmed that I wasn't nasty about it or anything. I have no idea why chopping veggies would set him off. I'm guessing something happened at work? Or he had just spoken to his mom on the phone so there may have been issue with her? I don't know. Honestly, I don't care. Reason 1532 why the silent treatment is stupid.
As to people saying they need a break from their s.o.......I totally get that. There have been times when I've been mad at someone and said I need some time to cool off, but I'd be back. Generally, I take an hour or so and come back and work it out. A time out or break is completely different from the silent treatment and emotional withdrawal that goes along with it.
As for counseling: I plan to go for myself. I don't know how interested I am in saving this marriage. That makes me incredibly sad. When I took my vows, I meant them. I married because I loved him with all of my heart and he does have some amazing qualities. I've never been unfaithful. I've been the best wife I could be. If this marriage ends, I can walk away knowing I did everything humanly possible to make it work. Anyway, for most intents and purposes, he's already left me.
At some point, though, I have to fight to save me. I've always been an optimistic, hopeful, happy person. I'm going back to that. I cannot begin to express how much better I feel reclaiming some control over my life.
I actually didn't go to a hotel last night because I ended up going to the movies with my two best friends and had a really nice time. I felt really good so decided to go home. Plus, I was so incredibly exhausted that I knew I'd pass out from exhaustion which is exactly what happened.
He is now answering basic questions; but otherwise ignoring me. This is his pattern. Total silent treatment. Then he will answer very basic questions. Eventually, he will/want need something and then just act like nothing has happened. The basic-talking-but-still-emotionally-withdrawn-phase could last anywhere from days to weeks. Hard to tell. At this point, it's not really mattering a whole lot to me any more.
What did I do to deserve the silent treatment, emotional withdrawal? Nothing. Nobody deserves this. Nobody deserves to sit in their own house and watch their dog receive more affection than they do. But to answer everyone's questions, on Thanksgiving day, I asked him to chop veggies. I was doing the entire dinner alone (which is okay, I love to cook) and got really behind. I explained this to him and just asked if he would chop some veggies for me. He went off and started yelling at me, saying I should've been better organized and some other stuff and then....BOOM. He left and put his earbuds in and that was that. My family happened to be at my house and they confirmed that I wasn't nasty about it or anything. I have no idea why chopping veggies would set him off. I'm guessing something happened at work? Or he had just spoken to his mom on the phone so there may have been issue with her? I don't know. Honestly, I don't care. Reason 1532 why the silent treatment is stupid.
As to people saying they need a break from their s.o.......I totally get that. There have been times when I've been mad at someone and said I need some time to cool off, but I'd be back. Generally, I take an hour or so and come back and work it out. A time out or break is completely different from the silent treatment and emotional withdrawal that goes along with it.
As for counseling: I plan to go for myself. I don't know how interested I am in saving this marriage. That makes me incredibly sad. When I took my vows, I meant them. I married because I loved him with all of my heart and he does have some amazing qualities. I've never been unfaithful. I've been the best wife I could be. If this marriage ends, I can walk away knowing I did everything humanly possible to make it work. Anyway, for most intents and purposes, he's already left me.
At some point, though, I have to fight to save me. I've always been an optimistic, hopeful, happy person. I'm going back to that. I cannot begin to express how much better I feel reclaiming some control over my life.
Thanks for all of the advice/viewpoints.
I am shocked that he would act that way in front of your family, and I'm amazed you have put up with it for this long.
Please do make your plans now to get away and set out for yourself.
wow, it sounds like we live the same life with the same guy...thats scary! Except he left with my car and son , wont bring my truck back and told me he's moving out after 18 yrs, 2 kids, and I'm a good faithful women and mother but he thinks I have anger issues because i respond and act out to his bull**** and silent treatments . Im only human and have feelings but according to him I shouldnt react and i shouldnt do anything unless it meets his approval....UGH I'M SO FRUSTRATED that he treats me like this and sees nothing wrong with it and manipulates the situation everytime and always makes everything my fault , and hes really good at doing so...Im tired of trying, caring and giving him my all...Im just gonna do me and focus on my 2 kids . If he dont see what hes done and why ive actd the ways i have because of his behavior then i dont want him around me, mis- treaing me around our kids ... Good luck !!!
wow, it sounds like we live the same life with the same guy...thats scary! Except he left with my car and son , wont bring my truck back and told me he's moving out after 18 yrs, 2 kids, and I'm a good faithful women and mother but he thinks I have anger issues because i respond and act out to his bull**** and silent treatments . Im only human and have feelings but according to him I shouldnt react and i shouldnt do anything unless it meets his approval....UGH I'M SO FRUSTRATED that he treats me like this and sees nothing wrong with it and manipulates the situation everytime and always makes everything my fault , and hes really good at doing so...Im tired of trying, caring and giving him my all...Im just gonna do me and focus on my 2 kids . If he dont see what hes done and why ive actd the ways i have because of his behavior then i dont want him around me, mis- treaing me around our kids ... Good luck !!!
For the OP and Angie: Did this behavior not come up prior to marriage? Were these guys on their best behavior during courtship and the engagement period? The silent treatment needs to be added to the list of "red flag" behavior.
My husband has a history of giving me the silent treatment. The last time was in July and lasted 4 days. During the silent treatment phase, he won't talk to me, won't tell me what's wrong, withholds affection & sex, just completely ignores me. Unless, of course, we happen to be around other people and then he talks around me. You'd have to be really perceptive to realize he's ignoring me. He's actually really good at it. Typically, the silent treatment starts because I ask him for something, he gets mad and just shuts me out. Eventually, (anywhere from days to weeks), he'll decide I'm forgiven, I guess, and then treat me like nothing has happened.
During these periods of the silent treatment, I am a mess. I'm anxious, can't sleep, can't eat, I worry that he's having an affair or is going to leave me. I've tried to ignore it, while letting him know that I'm willing to listen and talk. It is just agonizing and at this point, I'm starting to get worried about me. The last time he did this, I told him exactly how it made me feel, promised I'd never do it to him (because it is so painful) and asked that he never risk losing me or our marriage by doing this ever again. He seemed to agree. I thought he got it. Apparently not.
I'd like to add that I'm not perfect. But I am willing to work with him, make concessions, try to change my behavior, etc. The problem is that the silent treatment doesn't offer me the chance to do any of this because I'm never sure, exactly, what I've done to deserve it. I've told him this repeatedly.
Anyway, yesterday he got mad at me, refused Thanksgiving dinner, and apparently I'm getting the silent treatment again.
I am not looking forward to being ignored tonight. I would really, really like to go to a local hotel with a spa and pool for tonight. I really want to go to a crazy happy movie and then just spend the night and escape my life for 24 hours.
The thing that is stopping me is that I want to make sure he doesn't think I'm abandoning the marriage or leaving him. I would be really hurt if he spent the night in a hotel. I would seriously be freaking out. I don't want to do that to him.
I also don't want to force his hand. If he's planning to leave me, I need a few months (ideally 6) to get things in order.
Does anyone have any advice?
This is me in the first few months of our marriage. Now, I really don't care anymore. Because my husband is the kind that just need 'alone' time when he is upset. And when you try to talk to him, he will just be more mad. At least he did tell me that he just wants me to leave him alone. And so I did. And then he is not mad anymore. I know how you feel. Eventually you'll get over it, I did and we are only married for almost 2 years. How long are you married.
And I advice you to do it. Stay in a hotel. Passive aggressive like our husbands really just need a taste of their own medicine for them to realize how a=holish is what they are doing. Go and have the time for yourself. Don't mind your husband. It will even probably snap him out of his 'emo' mode.
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
4,640 posts, read 11,937,291 times
Reputation: 9885
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
For the OP and Angie: Did this behavior not come up prior to marriage? Were these guys on their best behavior during courtship and the engagement period? The silent treatment needs to be added to the list of "red flag" behavior.
At the risk of sounding like a big idiot: At the time, I didn't see it. However, looking back, I totally see it. My husband and I met when we were late teens/early 20's. We had been dating a few months and were committed (we'd had "the discussion"). Then he just disappeared for a few months. No fight. No contact at all. Nothing. In retrospect, this was his silent treatment. I just didn't recognize it at the time. I had actually started seeing other people. Then he appeared out of nowhere, laid on the charm, said he was afraid of his strong feelings for me, wasn't sure if he was ready for a relationship then, but now was, he loved me, etc. I believed him.
We've been together for several years and there is a definite pattern: I make a request (can be anything from asking for help in the kitchen to asking him to cut back his work schedule, help with house, etc--I'm never sure what will push him away) and then he withdraws. Typically, I end up beating myself up about it, doing anything to appease him, and then taking care of everything on my own. In other words, as long as I don't ask anything of him, then our marriage is great, lol! We can go a year or two without these incidents. I have had some wonderful times with this man and there is a part of me that really feels for him. Again, I didn't see all of these patterns until much later.
To those who post about doing the silent treatment back, getting angry--I totally get that. When someone stops talking to you or withdraws---especially when this person is your most intimate partner--it really, really hurts. There is a huge level of anger and frustration and resentment. Then, when you can't take it any more and yell, the other person will blame you for yelling. I've been there. If you leave the room when they ignore you, they blame you for not being available because if only you'd waited 5 more minutes, they were going to talk to you. For those who think giving the silent treatment back works---it doesn't. Trust me. The person who initiated the silent treatment will outlast you. They are the masters. This is what they do. No matter what you do, you will always be blamed. It's always your fault.
All I can do is stay calm, continue to communicate with him, and make my plans.
To anyone reading this---For the love of God, if you are with someone who ever gives you the silent treatment or emotionally withdraws, RUN. No good will come of the relationship.
I actually didn't go to a hotel last night because I ended up going to the movies with my two best friends and had a really nice time. I felt really good so decided to go home. Plus, I was so incredibly exhausted that I knew I'd pass out from exhaustion which is exactly what happened.
He is now answering basic questions; but otherwise ignoring me. This is his pattern. Total silent treatment. Then he will answer very basic questions. Eventually, he will/want need something and then just act like nothing has happened. The basic-talking-but-still-emotionally-withdrawn-phase could last anywhere from days to weeks. Hard to tell. At this point, it's not really mattering a whole lot to me any more.
What did I do to deserve the silent treatment, emotional withdrawal? Nothing. Nobody deserves this. Nobody deserves to sit in their own house and watch their dog receive more affection than they do. But to answer everyone's questions, on Thanksgiving day, I asked him to chop veggies. I was doing the entire dinner alone (which is okay, I love to cook) and got really behind. I explained this to him and just asked if he would chop some veggies for me. He went off and started yelling at me, saying I should've been better organized and some other stuff and then....BOOM. He left and put his earbuds in and that was that. My family happened to be at my house and they confirmed that I wasn't nasty about it or anything. I have no idea why chopping veggies would set him off. I'm guessing something happened at work? Or he had just spoken to his mom on the phone so there may have been issue with her? I don't know. Honestly, I don't care. Reason 1532 why the silent treatment is stupid.
As to people saying they need a break from their s.o.......I totally get that. There have been times when I've been mad at someone and said I need some time to cool off, but I'd be back. Generally, I take an hour or so and come back and work it out. A time out or break is completely different from the silent treatment and emotional withdrawal that goes along with it.
As for counseling: I plan to go for myself. I don't know how interested I am in saving this marriage. That makes me incredibly sad. When I took my vows, I meant them. I married because I loved him with all of my heart and he does have some amazing qualities. I've never been unfaithful. I've been the best wife I could be. If this marriage ends, I can walk away knowing I did everything humanly possible to make it work. Anyway, for most intents and purposes, he's already left me.
At some point, though, I have to fight to save me. I've always been an optimistic, hopeful, happy person. I'm going back to that. I cannot begin to express how much better I feel reclaiming some control over my life.
Thanks for all of the advice/viewpoints.
Applause - applause! Good for you for fighting for you! You are important and this abuse & behavior is unnecessary and UNHEALTHY. And I know many are asking IF he acted like this before, well if he did that was a flag, BUT what can you do about that now. Look you can only go from where you are & make better choices for now AND that's what it looks like you are trying to do and good for you!
At the risk of sounding like a big idiot: At the time, I didn't see it. However, looking back, I totally see it. My husband and I met when we were late teens/early 20's. We had been dating a few months and were committed (we'd had "the discussion"). Then he just disappeared for a few months. No fight. No contact at all. Nothing. In retrospect, this was his silent treatment. I just didn't recognize it at the time. I had actually started seeing other people. Then he appeared out of nowhere, laid on the charm, said he was afraid of his strong feelings for me, wasn't sure if he was ready for a relationship then, but now was, he loved me, etc. I believed him.
We've been together for several years and there is a definite pattern: I make a request (can be anything from asking for help in the kitchen to asking him to cut back his work schedule, help with house, etc--I'm never sure what will push him away) and then he withdraws. Typically, I end up beating myself up about it, doing anything to appease him, and then taking care of everything on my own. In other words, as long as I don't ask anything of him, then our marriage is great, lol! We can go a year or two without these incidents. I have had some wonderful times with this man and there is a part of me that really feels for him. Again, I didn't see all of these patterns until much later.
To those who post about doing the silent treatment back, getting angry--I totally get that. When someone stops talking to you or withdraws---especially when this person is your most intimate partner--it really, really hurts. There is a huge level of anger and frustration and resentment. Then, when you can't take it any more and yell, the other person will blame you for yelling. I've been there. If you leave the room when they ignore you, they blame you for not being available because if only you'd waited 5 more minutes, they were going to talk to you. For those who think giving the silent treatment back works---it doesn't. Trust me. The person who initiated the silent treatment will outlast you. They are the masters. This is what they do. No matter what you do, you will always be blamed. It's always your fault.
All I can do is stay calm, continue to communicate with him, and make my plans.
To anyone reading this---For the love of God, if you are with someone who ever gives you the silent treatment or emotionally withdraws, RUN. No good will come of the relationship.
That's the epitome of passive-aggressive behavior on his part. Passive-aggressive people set others up to be the bad guys. They know exactly what they're doing. So don't fall for it. And the claim that he was about to talk to you when you left the room makes no sense. All he has to do is follow you to the other room if he wants to talk to you. Or call after you, and say he wants to talk to you about something. Leaving the room doesn't mean anything. It doesn't have to be an obstacle to communication. It's a flimsy excuse.
Very good synopsis of the history, OP. Thanks for a good response to my question. That's kind of funny that his first show of silent treatment backfired on him, with the result that you'd gone back to dating other people. Wow. That's what you should do now, after you get a divorce or a separation.
Is there anything in his family history that you know of, that caused this syndrome?
My husband has a history of giving me the silent treatment. The last time was in July and lasted 4 days. During the silent treatment phase, he won't talk to me, won't tell me what's wrong, withholds affection & sex, just completely ignores me. Unless, of course, we happen to be around other people and then he talks around me. You'd have to be really perceptive to realize he's ignoring me. He's actually really good at it. Typically, the silent treatment starts because I ask him for something, he gets mad and just shuts me out. Eventually, (anywhere from days to weeks), he'll decide I'm forgiven, I guess, and then treat me like nothing has happened.
During these periods of the silent treatment, I am a mess. I'm anxious, can't sleep, can't eat, I worry that he's having an affair or is going to leave me. I've tried to ignore it, while letting him know that I'm willing to listen and talk. It is just agonizing and at this point, I'm starting to get worried about me. The last time he did this, I told him exactly how it made me feel, promised I'd never do it to him (because it is so painful) and asked that he never risk losing me or our marriage by doing this ever again. He seemed to agree. I thought he got it. Apparently not.
I'd like to add that I'm not perfect. But I am willing to work with him, make concessions, try to change my behavior, etc. The problem is that the silent treatment doesn't offer me the chance to do any of this because I'm never sure, exactly, what I've done to deserve it. I've told him this repeatedly.
Anyway, yesterday he got mad at me, refused Thanksgiving dinner, and apparently I'm getting the silent treatment again.
I am not looking forward to being ignored tonight. I would really, really like to go to a local hotel with a spa and pool for tonight. I really want to go to a crazy happy movie and then just spend the night and escape my life for 24 hours.
The thing that is stopping me is that I want to make sure he doesn't think I'm abandoning the marriage or leaving him. I would be really hurt if he spent the night in a hotel. I would seriously be freaking out. I don't want to do that to him.
I also don't want to force his hand. If he's planning to leave me, I need a few months (ideally 6) to get things in order.
Does anyone have any advice?
Do you work? Maybe you could request a day off at work and check into a hotel for eight hours or so for some relief from the tension. Spending the night at a hotel could be (even though unreasonably) viewed by him as escalating whatever is going on between you. He may even accuse you of infidelity. I'm just saying. Severe silent treatment is erratic behavior on his part and may points to other wasys he is emotionally unstable and in an unstable state, he could view a night away as provocation. Only you know your spouse well enough to judge for sure. Consider these things. If silent treatment in the past has led to some kind of physical acting out on his part, you need to get with a DV specialist and make a safety plan for yourself. You need one, and you may needed it before six months duration. It can be done.
I'm not just talking. I've been on the receiving end of silent treatment with my (now) ex-husband and the emotional pain was so great it progressed to physical symptoms for me. You take care of yourself and any kids and pets you have. Take care and keep hope, there is a way through this, one step at a time.
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