Is This Considered "Physical Abuse"? (date, girl, attracted)
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they always apologize and make an excuse i was drunk, i was mad blah blah. it's the same story. Pushing you could be the first signs. Alcohol does bring undesirable behaviors from some people, but that's no excuse. I would keep my distance from someone like that.
My boyfriend (28) and I (26) have been together for 3 years. We were at a wedding reception recently, where he had too much alcohol. We got into a wild argument the night after the wedding and argued so wildly that the grabbed me by my shoulders, shook me, and then pushed me really hard against the wall. I hit a hard corner of the sofa with my thigh while being pushed, which resulted in a huge blue spot on my thigh. I also noticed slight reddish spots on my shoulders in places where he grabbed me. Needless to say, I left him and stopped talking to him that night. I have never been physically shaken and pushed by any man before, and have never seen what a man's physical abuse towards a woman looks like. I grew up in a pretty normal and respectful family, and I have never seen my father yell at or push my mother.
My boyfriend has NEVER acted this way before and I've known him for 3 years. He's always treated me well. I was so shocked when he pushed me and could not believe he did this because of an argument. I have heard a saying before, that if a man has hit a woman once, he'll do it again. Now, he's never hit me before. Would you consider being pushed the way I was an incident of "physical abuse"? Do you believe that if he pushed me now, that he's capable of doing it again, or perhaps going even further next time (i.e. hitting a woman)? Can this one push be considered a reliable INDICATOR FOR HIS FUTURE BEHAVIOR?
I've loved him for 3 years, and of course now he's apologizing and begging me to forgive him because "he was drunk". I am very hurt, shocked, and hesitant to forgive, although I do love him.
What should I do? Forgive him or forget about him?
Well if he was drunk and hasn't done it prior, he's probably right per his own words. He did it because he was drunk so you both know the solution. No drinking for him. And if he cannot handle that, then you are probably in for it eventually. He has alot to make up for, be very cautions no matter what. Take another 3 years to ever marry the guy to ensure it doesn't happen again.
My husband did this to me once about a decade ago. So of course nothing is guaranteed to happen again. But we don't drink, and cycle pretty hard. It won't happen again, I don't concern myself with it. I don't tolerate any drinking at all, and he has no desire anyhow to drink but it happened, no one is perfect. We've been married 24 years.
Thank you all for your responses. Yes, I am here because deep down I do know that push was not something normal. I suppose I am trying to deal with the shock of discovering something I never thought I would discover about my SO. Someone I've loved and trusted for 3 years. I've known him to be a good and loving man in general, besides the usual now-and-then altercations, which were short-lived and quickly forgotten. I thought he was the right man for me. It was a successful relationship. But that one push completely threw me off balance. Still cannot believe it, but I suppose I have no other choice than letting him go. Incredible how deceiving life can be.
This bolder is something I do not understand. Has he been physical before or was this verbal? I hope you are okay. I was physically a used by a stepfather, mean whether he was drunk or not.
I don't disagree with you on principle, however I think it's the top of a slippery slope. Reason being, if she lets him get away with it once, what happens next time? Is it possible this was just a one off that will never happen again? Yes, that's possible. But the mere possibility of it maybe happening a second time puts her in a dangerous position where she may feel obligated to forgive him again. And again. And again ad nauseum until she's in a full fledged abusive relationship. For that reason, at least for me, I couldn't allow a guy a second chance.
So, while I see your point having merit, it's the unknown future of if/when it happens again that would make it really hard to continue the relationship, IMO.
I think the main thing is if in 3 years, this is completely out of his character, he does make an effort to go to counseling, then does show he is remorseful and does modify his behavior for a period of time, maybe consider taking him back, but only if all those conditions are 100% satisfied. Take it slowly, almost starting over and know that if it ever happens again, get out. Otherwise, get out now.
I haven't read through all of the responses and may be repeating someone, but here goes...
What you described is abuse. Anytime someone hits, shoves, slaps, grabs you is physical abuse. Even if another person spits at you, that can land them in jail if you want to press charges. You should be concerned about the possibility of that happening again and you should also be concerned about his drinking. Both of these are huge red flags and his apologizing for his behavior will not have any effect on him if he gets upset with you again. He obviously has a problem with drinking and he obviously has an anger management problem.
Life is short. There are many men out there who are responsible drinkers and there are many men out there who do not feel the need to take out their childish frustrations on a woman they claim to be in love with. What you shared he did to you is not love. So if you are willing to listen to his begging and pleading and don't mind sacrificing your face and body for his punching bag the next time he gets angry and "is drunk", go ahead and answer his texts.
I would say yes, it is an indicator of future behavior. I'd say that was his reaction to something or another that upset him while intoxicated. It's the same when one is angry.. how does one deal with it? Punch the wall? Redirect it to something or someone? If he has this reaction once, it most definitely can happen again. And you did mention other smaller infractions.. were they of outbursts of any sort? Because he might have lots of things pent up within. And how does he deal with things under a lot of stress and pressure? How will he deal with other stress and pressure with you in the future? If you have an doubts, then you already know the answer.
I'd say move on. When you love someone, you care about them and you do not use them as a punching bag no matter what.
That makes me wonder too. My father got drunk several times throughout his marriage to my mom (they're still together after 35 years) but he never pushed her while being drunk. Do you think alcohol brings out certain hidden characteristics about people?
My father in law is a high functioning alcoholic (meaning he works, lives a life, does "chores', etc... but still drinks close to an 18 pack a day) and out of all three of his wives, not ONE of them has EVER had a hand laid on them by him. NEVER.
Same with my husband, we have been married 17yrs, I have physically broken up fights between him and another person more than once, he never hit me; even on accident. Even through PTSD post Army, not one hand on me by him, nor has he touched our girls. He's not an alcoholic, but we have gotten drunk more than once together and ended up arguing, but it NEVER escalated to physical, we respect and love each other to hurt one another.
So if he hit you while drunk, yeah he's an ass; and more than likely with would eventually escalate to further abuse. Get out and stay out.
What were you fighting about and how did you behave that night?
You've heard all the responses telling you how awful he is (the rote answer to any "he put his hands on me" situation) so I won't repeat. I'm just curious about how awful you are, when drunk, too.
Maybe, just maybe, you two bring out the worse in each other and shouldn't be together. It happens.
It doesn't make any difference what the topic of the argument was. This was a physical assault, plain and simple. OP's boyfriend became so enraged that it manifested itself in physical aggression. Drunk or not, that's unacceptable and unforgivable in my book. There's almost no chance it would be a one-time occurrence.
I'm sorry that this happened, OP. I hope you love yourself enough to stick with your decision to end the relationship.
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