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He had a loaded gun out, he tried to throw me out, tried to leave, came back angry, promised to punish me, threatened suicide, and eventually cried and begged and said everything would change and he would change and "what we have is worth fighting for." Used the kids, dragged them into it, to try and emotionally manipulate me. Now he thinks he's "possessed by demons."
I'd have had him arrested and thrown in the clink for pulling a gun on me and for threatening to punish me while he had a gun in his hand. End of marriage, end of story.
P.S. HELL NO should you leave your kids with such an unstable lunatic!
Been with this guy faithfully for half my life, I just can't do it anymore. I have nothing left to give. I'm tired of being responsible to maintain his mental, emotional, physical state...tired of having no space to do things I need to do for myself. Recently it's affecting my work and my health. I tried to talk to him and had a huge blowup last week. He had a loaded gun out, he tried to throw me out, tried to leave, came back angry, promised to punish me, threatened suicide, and eventually cried and begged and said everything would change and he would change and "what we have is worth fighting for." Used the kids, dragged them into it, to try and emotionally manipulate me. Now he thinks he's "possessed by demons."
Anyhow. Any advice for what could become a nasty divorce with kids? Tips or tricks to keep things civil? Thoughts? Am I soulless and unloving and bad for wanting out of this? He keeps trying to tell me I am.
I strongly encourage you to speak to a professional before doing anything ... the guns, promise of punishment, threatening suicide, bringing your children into this... are all very serious.
But to answer your question, No you are not soulless, unloving for wanting out. You should not put up with this. You need to protect yourself, and your children.
OP, is the gun locked away when he's not brandishing it around? It's not where any kids, or friends of kids, could get at it, is it? Why does he have a gun?
BTW, depending on what diagnosis a counselor might give him, it may be unlawful for him to have a gun. But only a psychiatrist is qualified to make a mental illness diagnosis.
Situation with the guns: I did not grow up comfortable around guns. I didn't want one in the house. He grew up in rural Iowa, surrounded by them, and later military. When he was getting big bonuses on getting out of the Army, we addressed this. I compromised. They were to be kept unloaded and locked in a safe, they were NOT for home defense. They were to be taken to the range, or hunting. He actually took the boys (with another friend of his who is also very knowledgeable about guns) to the range, and there was some great bonding there over that. Because he doesn't often have good time spent with our youngest son, and they were really bonding over shooting together, that was one good thing I felt came of this. It's only in the last year or so that we have had 3 incidents where he has "gone off the rails" and went straight for the guns. So this doesn't happen all the time....but often enough that it's got to stop. He's been one of those "they'll take my guns over my cold dead body" types who thinks the government is going to kick in our doors and put us all in camps or something, so I actually worry a bit about how this might play, but I'm bringing it up in counseling regardless because it's a serious problem.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NewbiePoster
How much of these scenes do your kids witness? Do you ever talk to them about the volatile situation they live with? How much of it are they aware of? This isn't a good situation for kids to live in.
I have tried over the years to shelter them. When he needs emotional/mental maintenance, I usually take him out to the garage or backyard, where we smoke a bajillion cigarettes and talk for hours and hours until he's ok. I think that for the most part they don't know how bad it is, until we have a major event and he drags them into it and blasts all of his anger and hurt out to the world. They saw him handling and wearing his handgun last week and they saw him standing there with it strapped to his leg and heard him insulting me. That really bothers me. My older son, who is 16, is trying to be mature and strong about all this...he doesn't want to choose sides and doesn't want to hear either of us say anything bad about the other. He just doesn't want to be in the middle of it period. My younger son, age 13, is too much like his Dad and prone to making everything into a massive personal drama and tragedy, and has hit me with a lot of, "What have you done to make Dad upset? He's all sad." and "Dad just wants to be loved. You need to try." He, like my husband, just wants everything back the way it was and not shaken up, me taking care of everyone and not rocking the boat.
EDIT: My youngest really has no idea how hard it is for me, or why I have such a hard time doing what I've always done, or why it needs to change for my sake. And I have a hard time figuring out how to explain it to him without bad-mouthing his Dad, which I have no desire to do.
I'd have had him arrested and thrown in the clink for pulling a gun on me and for threatening to punish me while he had a gun in his hand. End of marriage, end of story.
P.S. HELL NO should you leave your kids with such an unstable lunatic!
I agree.
As a parent, I have NO IDEA why you are still there, OP. Those kids are exhibiting signs of serious emotional damage, esp. the younger.
It sounds like the definition of codependence to me. You are using WAY too many words to rationalize what really is a very simple and solvable problem.
Spork, option 3 is the only one you've got. Your kids should not be exposed to an unstable person who pulls out his guns when he gets frustrated. It doesn't have to be winner take all, but yeah, you should have the house and the kids. If he was getting help for things, i might even say hang in there. But this is the kind of situation where you need to extract yourself very carefully. I would suggest enlisting a lawyer and a domestic violence shelter.
I'm trying NOT to be alarmist, but the attitude and actions you're describing make me very concerned for the safety of you and your kids. Read up on "family annihilators." You say he wouldn't fire on "his pack," but I assure you he would. Everythign you describe reeks of a very narcissistic man.
Whatever you decide, those kids are gonna need family counseling. I have my doubts as to whether the younger one will ever relate to women in a balanced, healthy way.
When I read this sad story it makes me feel fortunate. While my heart was broken when my wife divorced me, it was a blessing in disguise. The financial pain is going away, but the emotional pain is gonna stay for a while.
Remember this:
Mental illness will never go away. It can be managed but I really don't think it can be cured. Your safety & the kids' safety is numero uno right now, and your man ain't part of the equation.
I stayed in my crappy marriage, dealt with the mental institutions, the drugs (SSRIs), the alcohol, tantrums, violence, and infidelity.
It wasn't worth it.
I stayed in the marriage because I took my wedding vows seriously. I stayed because I felt a deep responsibility; not just an obligation.
Most importantly, I stayed because I loved her. In the end, she partnered up with a drug infested petty criminal.
Your man may not end up that way, as every situation is different. But it is important that you recognize folks that don't want to heal. It is important to recognize folks that don't respond to treatment, or are willing to put the hard work and maximum effort it takes to manage mental illness.
Spork, option 3 is the only one you've got. Your kids should not be exposed to an unstable person who pulls out his guns when he gets frustrated. It doesn't have to be winner take all, but yeah, you should have the house and the kids. If he was getting help for things, i might even say hang in there. But this is the kind of situation where you need to extract yourself very carefully. I would suggest enlisting a lawyer and a domestic violence shelter.
I'm trying NOT to be alarmist, but the attitude and actions you're describing make me very concerned for the safety of you and your kids. Read up on "family annihilators." You say he wouldn't fire on "his pack," but I assure you he would. Everythign you describe reeks of a very narcissistic man.
Please, please, PLEASE get out.
Good god, Jrz... Three out of four categories. Most of the men in the study were only one.
This week he's been so on and off...one day he's calm and we're talking and I feel almost safe, and the next, he's getting himself worked up, being weird and paranoid and bringing up the things that got him upset in the first place. He's kept me very off-balance, all week. When he went in and made the appointment for the counseling, he said he felt so much better just taking that step. But all this week he keeps trying to poke the situation with a stick, metaphorically speaking, and I keep trying to tell him that it really, really would be best if we just waited to speak to the counselor and don't try to work this out on our own...keep it neutral and chill and be nice to each other and coexist without stirring anything up, or we were liable to just do more damage. He has had a hard time taking that, and now he's convinced that this counseling is all some kind of ploy for me to "drop bombs on him" while there is a third party there to "hold him back." Hold him back from what? He thinks I'm going to confess to infidelity or something, which hasn't happened, so um...no. The only bombs I have to drop on him are that this has got to end and the only way it can end and leave him with the life he thinks he needs, is for him to act like a sane person instead of a crazy one. But I'm really starting to question the likelihood of that.
We have our counseling tomorrow morning, 8AM. We will see how it goes.
And by the way, I want to thank everyone for your thoughts. I am not ignoring any of you, even the ones who say "get out NOW!" and I'm not running for the door...it's just you don't flip a switch that will lead to disaster for a man that you've been with for half your life, just like that. I do want to give him a chance. Not a chance to fix our marriage and continue with me...but a chance to continue to be a Dad, a chance to grow up and fix his head. Otherwise I could just have him locked up while the kids are at school some day, have a lawyer ready to roll and just steamroll the entire situation. I just have moral issues with doing that to him. Nevermind what my kids, who love him, would think of it.
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