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Something that doesn't make sense to me, and that I think explains how mixed up you are here, is this. If the following is true:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
I have to reiterate...I do not think, even having read what JRZ suggested, that he would do physical harm to me or to our kids. I really, REALLY, do not.
Then why is this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
The worst thing that could happen for any or all of us right now, is him going crazy and getting violent.
the worst thing that could happen???
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
I could, personally, "get out" by myself...but that would leave my kids in a situation that could blow up, which I ~might~ be able to diffuse or at least contain if I'm there.
You say you're staying because he needs to be managed, he needs YOU to regulate his emotions, or to be the human shield. SO if you SWEAR that he would NEVER hurt you or the kids, then getting violent just means ... throwing a huge fit???
You're sacrificing your own mental health and the emotional health of your kids by continuing to follow his script.
Something that doesn't make sense to me, and that I think explains how mixed up you are here, is this. If the following is true:
Then why is this:
the worst thing that could happen???
You say you're staying because he needs to be managed, he needs YOU to regulate his emotions, or to be the human shield. SO if you SWEAR that he would NEVER hurt you or the kids, then getting violent just means ... throwing a huge fit???
You're sacrificing your own mental health and the emotional health of your kids by continuing to follow his script.
Please don't discount what Wmsn4Life is saying. There is a lot of logic and wisdom in their posts.
Something that doesn't make sense to me, and that I think explains how mixed up you are here, is this. If the following is true:
Then why is this:
the worst thing that could happen???
You say you're staying because he needs to be managed, he needs YOU to regulate his emotions, or to be the human shield. SO if you SWEAR that he would NEVER hurt you or the kids, then getting violent just means ... throwing a huge fit???
You're sacrificing your own mental health and the emotional health of your kids by continuing to follow his script.
I'm saying, if I try to get a lawyer involved, take it to court, take his home and his kids, bring in the authorities or have him arrested, try to take his home and children from him...THEN he would probably respond with violence. He would be losing everything. He would panic. He would freak out. And why wouldn't he? You work a couple decades and finally think you've made it and then suddenly your "partner" tells you she doesn't love you and not only that, takes everything...your family, your home...how is he supposed to react to that? That's why I keep saying that I don't want to do that, that whole "get out now" thing people keep on saying and saying, I don't want to trigger that with my actions.
That's what I'm saying, is that I think the key to doing this right is doing it in a way that lets everyone go on whatever way we need to and all of us be OK. I could get an apartment, and go away, and still be ok. He can't. He'd flip. But then, I'm the one who wants the marriage to be over in the first place.
And when I say that him being crazy and violent, I am saying an escalation where the authorities are involved...an outsider target.
The worst he'd do to US (and it's plenty bad) is emotional manipulation, threats (particularly threats to harm himself), yelling, saying hurtful things...but it's been an important thing I've got across to him that there are lines he needs to not cross, if he wants to come out of this with enough of a home life left to live for. He has agreed to work heavily on the matters of sanity and firearms. He has promised at this time, that if he feels insecure and needs to handle his guns to feel safe, he will leave the ammo in the safe and bring the gun to the garage, take it to pieces and clean and maintain it. That is our baby step this week. It is the best compromise he was willing to make right now. As for the sanity stuff, he's getting weekly therapy. We're working on that, too.
I'm saying, if I try to get a lawyer involved, take it to court, take his home and his kids, bring in the authorities or have him arrested, try to take his home and children from him...THEN he would probably respond with violence. He would be losing everything. He would panic. He would freak out. And why wouldn't he? You work a couple decades and finally think you've made it and then suddenly your "partner" tells you she doesn't love you and not only that, takes everything...your family, your home...how is he supposed to react to that? That's why I keep saying that I don't want to do that, that whole "get out now" thing people keep on saying and saying, I don't want to trigger that with my actions.
That's what I'm saying, is that I think the key to doing this right is doing it in a way that lets everyone go on whatever way we need to and all of us be OK. I could get an apartment, and go away, and still be ok. He can't. He'd flip. But then, I'm the one who wants the marriage to be over in the first place.
And when I say that him being crazy and violent, I am saying an escalation where the authorities are involved...an outsider target.
The worst he'd do to US (and it's plenty bad) is emotional manipulation, threats (particularly threats to harm himself), yelling, saying hurtful things...but it's been an important thing I've got across to him that there are lines he needs to not cross, if he wants to come out of this with enough of a home life left to live for. He has agreed to work heavily on the matters of sanity and firearms. He has promised at this time, that if he feels insecure and needs to handle his guns to feel safe, he will leave the ammo in the safe and bring the gun to the garage, take it to pieces and clean and maintain it. That is our baby step this week. It is the best compromise he was willing to make right now. As for the sanity stuff, he's getting weekly therapy. We're working on that, too.
Yeah..,,sure he will "work on that" until one night he kills you and he is really really sad! Oh well and you are acting like HE IS THE VICTIM! SMH.
OK, so you tell me just exactly how I should proceed?
Wait until the kids are at school at tell the cops that even though he's probably napping at the moment, he scares me sometimes and he's heavily armed...have them come arrest him and hope that he doesn't get released before the 90 days to however long period is up that it takes to actually DO a divorce...meanwhile what am I supposed to tell my children about how I set him up? Oh wait, I could get a restraining order, which he won't respect, and if I go through with all of this, he will hate me and he will come after me as a target.
He doesn't want to kill me now, he wants to be my friend. You're suggesting I change that by getting the authorities involved. Because of COURSE they'll totally protect me.
Or I'm supposed to abduct my own kids against their will and take them to some shelter or bolt hole of an apartment where we can camp out on an air mattress and sleep soundly to the song of gunfire, because that's all I can afford.
Maybe go to a friend's house and crash on the floor or couch? For 3 months to a year? I'm sure that will work out well.
Again. HIS SCRIPT would be for me to accept another 5 years with him, which he'd hope he could "change" or "change my mind" enough to get me to stay indefinitely, or that he'd hope he would not survive. I am not playing by that script. I'm giving it a couple of months. Meanwhile he is coming to more acceptance that he could still come out of this with something if he doesn't act the fool, and all of our friends are working on him whenever they visit and talk, helping plant seeds of ideas for him to mull on and get comfortable with, about how to be in this and what HIS priorities should be here.
OK, so you tell me just exactly how I should proceed?
Wait until the kids are at school at tell the cops that even though he's probably napping at the moment, he scares me sometimes and he's heavily armed...have them come arrest him and hope that he doesn't get released before the 90 days to however long period is up that it takes to actually DO a divorce...meanwhile what am I supposed to tell my children about how I set him up? Oh wait, I could get a restraining order, which he won't respect, and if I go through with all of this, he will hate me and he will come after me as a target.
He doesn't want to kill me now, he wants to be my friend. You're suggesting I change that by getting the authorities involved. Because of COURSE they'll totally protect me.
Or I'm supposed to abduct my own kids against their will and take them to some shelter or bolt hole of an apartment where we can camp out on an air mattress and sleep soundly to the song of gunfire, because that's all I can afford.
Maybe go to a friend's house and crash on the floor or couch? For 3 months to a year? I'm sure that will work out well.
Again. HIS SCRIPT would be for me to accept another 5 years with him, which he'd hope he could "change" or "change my mind" enough to get me to stay indefinitely, or that he'd hope he would not survive. I am not playing by that script. I'm giving it a couple of months. Meanwhile he is coming to more acceptance that he could still come out of this with something if he doesn't act the fool, and all of our friends are working on him whenever they visit and talk, helping plant seeds of ideas for him to mull on and get comfortable with, about how to be in this and what HIS priorities should be here.
You can be separated without actually being divorced you know. Gunfire in your home? You said your husband has the guns? I'm confused.
OK, so you tell me just exactly how I should proceed?
Wait until the kids are at school at tell the cops that even though he's probably napping at the moment, he scares me sometimes and he's heavily armed...have them come arrest him and hope that he doesn't get released before the 90 days to however long period is up that it takes to actually DO a divorce...meanwhile what am I supposed to tell my children about how I set him up? Oh wait, I could get a restraining order, which he won't respect, and if I go through with all of this, he will hate me and he will come after me as a target.
He doesn't want to kill me now, he wants to be my friend. You're suggesting I change that by getting the authorities involved. Because of COURSE they'll totally protect me.
Or I'm supposed to abduct my own kids against their will and take them to some shelter or bolt hole of an apartment where we can camp out on an air mattress and sleep soundly to the song of gunfire, because that's all I can afford.
Maybe go to a friend's house and crash on the floor or couch? For 3 months to a year? I'm sure that will work out well.
Again. HIS SCRIPT would be for me to accept another 5 years with him, which he'd hope he could "change" or "change my mind" enough to get me to stay indefinitely, or that he'd hope he would not survive. I am not playing by that script. I'm giving it a couple of months. Meanwhile he is coming to more acceptance that he could still come out of this with something if he doesn't act the fool, and all of our friends are working on him whenever they visit and talk, helping plant seeds of ideas for him to mull on and get comfortable with, about how to be in this and what HIS priorities should be here.
Now I'm reading this in comparison to your OP. You seemed open to ideas then, but not so much anymore.
You can be separated without actually being divorced you know. Gunfire in your home? You said your husband has the guns? I'm confused.
My reference to gunfire was the ghetto apartments that are all I can afford if I leave.
And yes, my husband has guns. He just hasn't fired them, only carried them around, made them visibly present to make himself feel strong and to intimidate me when he's all upset and angry and nasty.
The one that was loaded, was also holstered, in "amber" status, safety on, not "charged"...these are things he says. I don't know much about guns. I take his word for it that the gun was not in a state to just go off, and he wasn't going to shoot me with it. Even at the worst, I really didn't think he would...he was just using it to scare me, make me uncomfortable, etc. The counselor actually told him that this constitutes a form of domestic abuse. I think that came as a surprise to him.
I just feel that the approach I'm taking is really the safest one for everyone, right now. Believe me, I'd LOVE to be free of him this instant. I'm ready to move on in a whole list of different ways. If I were being selfish I'd be gone immediately, if it were about him I'd stay for good, and because it's about the kids, I'm taking something of a middle road. Trying to anyhow.
Now I'm reading this in comparison to your OP. You seemed open to ideas then, but not so much anymore.
It is because I have had time to think things through to their likely consequences.
And it is because we have had a therapy session, and our talks afterwards.
Emotion is calming, logic beginning to work. For both of us.
Again...please please, don't think for a moment I don't appreciate this. Every perspective. Whether I take your advice and do what you believe I should, or not, your words mean a great deal to me. It makes me more careful. It makes me think about what I'm doing, makes me pay attention to things.
Another thing I am doing, is keeping a journal document (on my work computer, where he can't see it or get it) that logs each day, how things were, if anything significant was said or done. I am keeping a record, a very detailed and honest one, in case it is needed.
My reference to gunfire was the ghetto apartments that are all I can afford if I leave.
And yes, my husband has guns. He just hasn't fired them, only carried them around, made them visibly present to make himself feel strong and to intimidate me when he's all upset and angry and nasty.
The one that was loaded, was also holstered, in "amber" status, safety on, not "charged"...these are things he says. I don't know much about guns. I take his word for it that the gun was not in a state to just go off, and he wasn't going to shoot me with it. Even at the worst, I really didn't think he would...he was just using it to scare me, make me uncomfortable, etc. The counselor actually told him that this constitutes a form of domestic abuse. I think that came as a surprise to him.
I just feel that the approach I'm taking is really the safest one for everyone, right now. Believe me, I'd LOVE to be free of him this instant. I'm ready to move on in a whole list of different ways. If I were being selfish I'd be gone immediately, if it were about him I'd stay for good, and because it's about the kids, I'm taking something of a middle road. Trying to anyhow.
You would be a lot safer in a ghetto apartment. You are in deep Sh****t and you now won't even look. Your husband is walking around openly with guns....I hope you have foster parents for your children. You are in a really really dangerous place. Crazy talk and you are talking yourself into an even more crazy spot. I would empty out the bank account and run as far as you can go....
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