Husband involved w/porn (marry, men, cheating, gay)

[NOTAM]

totally agree.
and to the OP, i have been in your shoes-trust me, it does not get any better. if anything, it gets worse. you cant change anyone. they are intrinsicly who they are. this man wont change or "stop" just for you. he will just be even more cautious in his pursuit of the porn "high". he has gone to the dark side and it is hard to rehabilitate someone who has. believe me, consider cutting your losses now before you end up in a whole world of emotional hurt and betrayal.

Originally Posted by mommabear2

If your instincts tell you that you can't trust your husband do you really need proof of cheating? A man (or woman) should never make their spouse doubt their love and your man obviously is making you doubt him (or could it be that you are being... unreasonably snoopy???). Just a thought. Great relationships are based on trust. I would seriously question staying with someone who has the need to get funky with other women. "Married but looking" website? Oh no, that's a serious red flag. Maybe you should cut your loses and run for it... good luck..

[Fat Freddy]

What benefit would you get from spying on the guy?

You have already split once and don't have any sex life so it should be obvious that the relationship isn't working.

Leave the poor guy alone, he obviously has some issues to work out and you are only making it harder for him.

Get on with your life and find somebody else to spy on.

[jeannie216]

Not to complicate this situation more for you, but if he is cheating, I would be very concerned of what he may be bringing home to you. It sounds like a very abusive relationship and maybe some counseling for yourself would help you to see things more clearly.

[willdufauve]

I think tracking his internet activity, if not paranoid, is at least as dishonest as anything he's doing.

The overwhelming majority of men have had an interest in porn at different times in their lives. It gets some women upset but it isn't such a big deal to a man, and it certainly is not cheating or even evidence of cheating. You say yourself you have no proof of cheating. It's a private activity he does in his own home that you want to control because you don't like it.

First of all, from your description of your sex life he may have a physical problem, like borderline impotence, diabetes, or another circulation issue.

Secondly, if he has no interest in sex he may be living with depression and you should be directing him to his doctor.

Third, why aren't you talking to him about this directly instead of posting on a message board? Ask him what's going on. See what he says and where the conversations lead you.

[kaykay]

Originally Posted by willdufauve

why aren't you talking to him about this directly instead of posting on a message board? Ask him what's going on. See what he says and where the conversations lead you.

Yes, I would try talking to him about it and asking him point blank. Yes, he may lie, but often people will admit something when directly confronted.

I think before installing some type of keylogger, you should check on the legality of that in your state just to be safe.
Hope it works out for you two.

[endersshadow]

If he was going to those websites while you two were sexually active, I can almost guarantee he went to them during the year of abstinence. I in no way condone any of that activity (porn while married, dating websites, etc) but no sex for a year? I just find that to be a strange punishment (it was a punishment, right?).

[MainStreet]

Originally Posted by rdy4agetaway

Several years ago I found out my hus was involved with internet, phone and TV porn. He went as far as to being part of dating sites (married but looking) and even had his own VM so that women could leave messages. We went a year without having sex (he never wanted to) Long story short, I never found any proof of him physically cheating, but common sense says he probably did, but what do you do when there is no proof? I did leave for several months. He started going to counseling, I came back home and for the past year or so I havn't suspected anything. However, whenever we have sex, I initiate it (this was one reason for me to suspect something back in the beginning) and he NEVER ejaculates. It is so robotic. We are both in our mid 30's and take very good care of ourselves physically, so sex before this was never an issue. I suspect he has a secret email address but have exhausted myself in trying to figure out the password. Because he was a sloppy hider in the past (that is how I found all the info I found such as dating sites, email addresses, passwords etc) I am sure he is being xtra careful with these things IF he is involved again. He knows I know how to check computer history/temp internet files etc. Does anyone know if there is another way to find these things once deleted? I am sure there is. I would love to hear from anyone who has been in my shoes before or has some thoughts. Thanks

The program and company you are looking for is called "I Am Big Brother." It's a key logging program that is well hidden and cannot be deleted useless the user does it. You get ever key hit, even those mistakes...we all type something and then back up and delete it, you get those things that were not even posted.

I used it to get passwords and found out that the sociopath man that I was trying to help was actually a sex addict who met mostly men on "sex now" sites and arranged last minute meetings for sex with strangers.

My best friend found out that her husband was an active paying member at a gay bath house.

These programs can be very useful. We (my friend and I) didn't find the results that shocking or tragic. It was a great relief to remove these miserable men from our lives. (and has provided a lot of laughs.)

Intuition is never being surprised; you have already prepared yourself for the truth.

And before I get flack for spying...when you have invested time and money for helping a man you once loved, try to get help for his NPD, only to find out he's sticking body parts through anonymous holes in walls for pleasure....I'd say spying via a keystroke program is the perfect form of self preservation.

It's not like they were going to tell us.

"Hi honey, how was your day?"
"It was great, thanks for asking. Met with a guy on my lunch hour at his dungeon of d....."
"That's nice...dinner will be ready in 30 mins. Make sure to wash your hands."

[Lindsey_Mcfarren]

Well I can tell you from my own experience, I found the hints that my husband was cheating so imposible to believe, I had to have proof. For some reason my mind just was unable to wrap itself around the suggestion for whatever reason, nieve I guess. I do believe that is why some women (not sure about men) want evidence before they throw it all away.

As far as talking to him goes, I can tell you he will just lie about it. There is something drastically wrong with a man who can have intercourse and not ejaculate. If he is addicted to porn, it could be that what you and I would consider as normal, is no longer stimulating enough for him, he may require things that I would consider twisted, this is often the way with addictions to porn.

[Zorya]

Originally Posted by RoaminRed

I'm not saying this to be flippant, but maybe he's gay and struggling with accepting it and/or coming out. It would explain a lot of what you mention.

This is what I was thinking too. Trust me, I found out after 15 years of marriage that my husband had a membership to a gay sex club. What you wrote is what happened with us, almost word for word. My ex got into porn big time and everything I found out about (besides the sex club) was heterosexual porn. I had absolute proof that he was spending time at a "bathhouse" and he still denied it, then he admitted to having sex there but swears he's not gay. You would have never known by looking, or by how he acted that he was gay. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[MainStreet]

Originally Posted by RoaminRed

I'm not saying this to be flippant, but maybe he's gay and struggling with accepting it and/or coming out. It would explain a lot of what you mention.

I missed this post. I was thinking the same thing. Any sort of lack for follow through is a good indicator of latent sexual problems.

Don't mean sound like Dr. Ruth, but try talking during sex. If your voice throws up a brick wall and he's unable to finish; you've got yourself a problem. These men incorporate their women into their fantasy....so basically he's not making love to you, he's having a visual fantasy experience that you happen to be the architecture for.

This is a lot more common than women think. Porn and sex addiction, the down-low lifestyle is an epidemic.