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I think men and women do this to varying degrees. If it is a relatively new relationship, it is a defense mechanism.... you have to feel comfortable with a person to even begin considering layout all your inner feelings/thoughts because it does make you vulnerable.
My wife tends to mask/hide her feelings. She'll put on a fake smile or go passive aggressive. We believe this behavior is the direct result of her verbally abusive father. It was easier to show a fake smile than to show disapproval of something the father did.
I tend to internalize and suppress them. Show no feelings at all to the point my wife cannot even read my reactions. I have a past of outwardly displaying my anger... something that I embarrassed of today. I guess this is my way of controlling it. However, it requires me to express it in a constructive manner later on.. or it turns inward.
Both are bad in the long term (as we discovered).
For my wife it festers into animosity and self-esteem issues.
For me, it turns into stark anger turned inward (depression).
We are all imperfect beings at handling various challenges in life. I think it is important for long term partners to accept each other's flaws and work them into the relationship. Learn to communicate.
Everyday once all the kids are asleep, my wife and I have tea or snack late evening. We talk about anything on our minds and feelings within the boundaries of established rules.
Feel free to be blunt. Don't waste time sugar coating.
No interrupting
No yelling (especially with sleeping kids)
Don't take anything said defensively. The goal is to get it out in the open
Acknowledge, understand first then and only then seek to be understood.
etc..
I have take back my post above if this post is the example to learn to communicate.
I love how you have learned abouteach other's communication history and learned to talk things out. Then after that, seek to understand each other.
I would guess you're teaching your children to do this too.
Keep up the good work.
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Last edited by Wild Flower; 08-18-2015 at 08:14 AM..
Excellent cyberspace scolding. Whomever you were berating is totally your ***** now.
Really good post, usayit. My mother and grandmother taught me a lot of good things, I think, but both of them can be martyrs and it drives me nuts when they do it. Of course I find myself doing it too, clamming up and trying to do everything myself. We both try to steer ourselves away from turning into our parents, because my mother and his father would hate each other. Those parts of ourselves have to go.
Thread after thread after thread, I see men post a series of events that looks something like this:
- We were dating for 0 - 3 months and everything was perfect
- She's been acting really distant lately and I don't know what's wrong
- We haven't talked in several days, and I'm worried and don't know what to do
Then they ask for advice, and a disappointing number of people (of both sexes) tell them to give the woman space.
My question is, why do men even put up with this? Why isn't anyone critical of the immaturity and unbelievable selfishness displayed by the woman in not communicating her feelings in the midst of a relationship? How is it that the recommendation from so many is to give the woman space, as if it's somehow the guy's responsibility to allay the woman's unspoken concerns?
I think it's total BULLS*** and it irks me to no end that so many relationships live by the credo that as long as the woman is even casually present, everything is great. This is such a fundamentally flawed perspective, and I think men would have much better all around dating experiences if they dumped this idea upfront.
Lots of women post about their guys doing this, too. Usually, we recommend communicating with the partner. If that hasn't worked, there's no choice but to give them space, is there? The partner is taking their space, whether the other wants to give it or not.
Lots of women post about their guys doing this, too. Usually, we recommend communicating with the partner. If that hasn't worked, there's no choice but to give them space, is there? The partner is taking their space, whether the other wants to give it or not.
yeah there is nothing more frustrating then dating people who aren't good communicators and wont speak out to what is bothering them. It is really an uphill battle. I know that I'm generally not great at communication but it is something I'm improving on. Usually if the girl is good at it, it kinda helps me open up and learn to be better about it as well. Like someone mentioned before i tend to hold stuff in.
I think men and women do this to varying degrees. If it is a relatively new relationship, it is a defense mechanism....
Okay, so this is your guess as to why people refrain from opening up (and it's probably accurate), but does that make it okay? Why are we rewarding people for engaging in defensive practices? That doesn't sound like teamsmanship to me -- it sounds adversarial.
Lots of women post about their guys doing this, too. Usually, we recommend communicating with the partner. If that hasn't worked, there's no choice but to give them space, is there? The partner is taking their space, whether the other wants to give it or not.
The problem with your advice is that it sets an example for the non-communicative people that says "every time you withdraw, the solution will be to do whatever it takes to get you back". This is a terrible example to set and we shouldn't be cultivating a relationship/dating culture that values this kind of childish nonsense.
The advice that SHOULD be given is to set a boundary for unacceptable behavior and not tolerate anything beyond it. In short, these people should be dumped, and left to ponder their outcomes.
Do you how you change that dynamic? You break-up. If she is not willing to change, that is really your only alternative.
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The problem with your advice is that it sets an example for the non-communicative people that says "every time you withdraw, the solution will be to do whatever it takes to get you back". This is a terrible example to set and we shouldn't be cultivating a relationship/dating culture that values this kind of childish nonsense.
The advice that SHOULD be given is to set a boundary for unacceptable behavior and not tolerate anything beyond it. In short, these people should be dumped, and left to ponder their outcomes.
I think you misunderstood my post. I didn't say, "do whatever you need to do to get them back". I said that if they choose to withdraw, you have no choice but to let them. If they're expecting you do try to get them back, they'll have a rude surprise and a reality check, in the scenario I outlined. Unless they decide to un-withdraw, a breakup/dumping would happen organically.
Withdrawing can be (though not always) manipulative behavior. One should never put up with that. I'm all for calling the bluff of manipulative people. But otherwise, even if someone more or less legitimately, for whatever reason, says they "need space", give it to them. It's likely that at that point the relationship is over anyway.
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