Why do women get away with never saying how they feel? (dating, wife)

[justThis]

Thread after thread after thread, I see men post a series of events that looks something like this:

- We were dating for 0 - 3 months and everything was perfect
- She's been acting really distant lately and I don't know what's wrong
- We haven't talked in several days, and I'm worried and don't know what to do

Then they ask for advice, and a disappointing number of people (of both sexes) tell them to give the woman space.

My question is, why do men even put up with this? Why isn't anyone critical of the immaturity and unbelievable selfishness displayed by the woman in not communicating her feelings in the midst of a relationship? How is it that the recommendation from so many is to give the woman space, as if it's somehow the guy's responsibility to allay the woman's unspoken concerns?

I think it's total BULLS*** and it irks me to no end that so many relationships live by the credo that as long as the woman is even casually present, everything is great. This is such a fundamentally flawed perspective, and I think men would have much better all around dating experiences if they dumped this idea upfront.

[CapsChick]

I see just as many women posting about similar scenarios.

What does "in accompaniment" mean, anyway?

[hawaiiancoconut]

I think, we all know the answer.

[justThis]

Originally Posted by CapsChick

I see just as many women posting about similar scenarios.

What does "in accompaniment" mean, anyway?

Revised the post for clarity -- it now says "even casually present".

The extended idea is that men often put up with unacceptably minimal participation from women, and there are too many people out there who support this. It seems that the general advice that men in this situation are given is to do whatever they can to "not lose" the girl, when they should really be advised that the woman's behavior is in fact unacceptable and that they should be looking out for their own well-being.

[arleigh]

Women act like you should be able to read their mind , but if in fact you do guess what's bothering them they immediately deny it, only to reveal later you were right.
If she want's space ,she wants pity ,not an answer. video "It's not about the nail"

[usayit]

I think men and women do this to varying degrees. If it is a relatively new relationship, it is a defense mechanism.... you have to feel comfortable with a person to even begin considering layout all your inner feelings/thoughts because it does make you vulnerable.

My wife tends to mask/hide her feelings. She'll put on a fake smile or go passive aggressive. We believe this behavior is the direct result of her verbally abusive father. It was easier to show a fake smile than to show disapproval of something the father did.

I tend to internalize and suppress them. Show no feelings at all to the point my wife cannot even read my reactions. I have a past of outwardly displaying my anger... something that I embarrassed of today. I guess this is my way of controlling it. However, it requires me to express it in a constructive manner later on.. or it turns inward.

Both are bad in the long term (as we discovered).

For my wife it festers into animosity and self-esteem issues.

For me, it turns into stark anger turned inward (depression).


We are all imperfect beings at handling various challenges in life. I think it is important for long term partners to accept each other's flaws and work them into the relationship. Learn to communicate.

Everyday once all the kids are asleep, my wife and I have tea or snack late evening. We talk about anything on our minds and feelings within the boundaries of established rules.

Feel free to be blunt. Don't waste time sugar coating.
No interrupting
No yelling (especially with sleeping kids)
Don't take anything said defensively. The goal is to get it out in the open
Acknowledge, understand first then and only then seek to be understood.
etc..

[TMBGBlueCanary]

Both sexes pull away at times. It could be for variety of reasons: stress outside the relationship effecting the relationship, health reasons (some people get moody, for example when they don't get exercise... both me and my SO are this way), maybe one person is too intimate and the other isn't ready for that so they pull away, or it could be because the other person isn't "into you" and they really are preparing to leave.

So it all really depends on the specific situation. You can't say all women (or all men) who pull away are doing so because of "X." Every situation is unique.

As for the who "reading your mind" thing. I find when people do this (hide their emotions) they are just not ready to open up yet. Don't push, give space, don't "rush" a solution to the emotional problem, and eventually (if you are dealing with a normal, mature person and not an overgrown teenager) your partner will open up to you. And this works with friends too. You might think giving people space is lame, but there is a reason why that's the common wisdom doled out.

[funymann]

Originally Posted by arleigh

Women act like you should be able to read their mind , but if in fact you do guess what's bothering them they immediately deny it, only to reveal later you were right.
If she want's space ,she wants pity ,not an answer. video "It's not about the nail"

I absolutely LOVE that video!!! LOL!!!

Give her space to cool off and eventually she'll come back around.

Sometimes they themselves are unsure why they are doing things the way they are.

If you don't want to get physically hurt then give her space to work out her own feelings.

[Back to NE]

Why do women get away with never saying how they feel?

Because they want to be chased. Which is appropriate for young, attractive, childless ladies with lots of options. But it is silly and unhelpful for all others.

[Wild Flower]

Learning to communicate with your SO is not an exercise from CD.