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I have an issue with my husband that he doesn't seem to care about. I've caught him chatting with several young girls on Facebook These girls are, at the oldest, 16 years old. When I met him he was very active in his church. He's a youth advisor and sunday school teacher among other positions and the class he teaches is the teenage group, 13 - 18. My issue is that a few times I've walked into the bedroom and he'll have his Facebook chat window open and he'll be in a conversation with one of these little girls from church. I told him he needed to stop that because it didn't look good for a 40-something year old male to be chatting with a 15 or 16 year old girl on Facebook. He said there's nothing going on between them and he likes to keep in touch with them. It seems that when ever there's an event in our church and they break up the kids into groups he usually ends up with this same age group. I've never spoken to these girls but they are the "fast tailed" girls from the low income housing projects.
This morning when I walked into the room from taking my shower I noticed his chat session open and he had a slight smile on his face. I questioned him about it and his response was this, "well, since you aren't going to wait on me to tell you, Jessica (Fake Name) sent me a message wanting us to come to her homecoming game this coming friday because she's running for homecoming queen." At that point I thought he was talking about one of those little girls from church and I sort of went off. I told him that he needed to stop talking to those little girls. He then looks at me and says, "What?" At that point I thought about the name he told me and felt bad. The girl he was talking about was the daughter of a lifelong friend of my husband who passed away a few years ago. She had two daughters that my husband and quite a few members of our church really care for. She's a sweet girl and wanted us to come to the homecoming game and support her.
However, my husband chatting to these other girls is a bit much for me. He says that as a youth advisor it's his job to keep in touch with these kids. He's just as friendly with the young guys too but I've never seen him chatting with them on Facebook. Am I wrong to think that if it got out that he was chatting like this someone would begin to think something was up? He doesn't chat often but it seemed to be an issue several years ago. Most of the time he'll go up to them in church and always be in constant conversations with them. I think a grown man needs to limit his conversations in an open setting like a church with young adolescent girls. Am I wrong?
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"Just livin' day by day"
(set 26 days ago)
Location: USA
3,166 posts, read 3,361,544 times
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What exactly is he chatting about with this these underaged girls? Anything sexual in nature would be highly inappropriate & get him in trouble with the law.
If, these two posts are legitimate, your husband has a serious problem. Youth pastor, or not, his obsession with young teen girls and his desire for your body to be like that of a teen girl are sick.
As a youth pastor, I've always known it was in their best interest, and the interest of the church, to be married. Or at least in a serious relationship. I say this because as an adult, and working around teenagers, there's a lot of sticky situations to be involved in. His wife or girlfriend could handle the young girls questions, while he can handle the questions of the young boys.
My experience of being in a youth group growing up was just like that. If the youth pastor had to meet with a teenage girl, he never met with her alone. It wasn't because he was tempted to do anything, but because from the outside looking in, it covers all bases for himself. Within a spiritual organization, there's always someone who doesn't like the pastor, youth pastor, music minister, or somebody else, and is looking for a way to get them exiled from their position. It's better to be safe than sorry in these scenarios.
Your husband isn't hiding it by talking to them out in the open, but like someone else said, it's a tough call. He's putting himself in a position to where she can think that their conversations are leading somewhere, when all he's giving her is useful advice. She goes to her parents, when things don't go her way, and fabricates a story that they were having an emotional affair. With his position of power, he's already painted himself into a corner. It's just not a position I would want to be in as someone's spiritual counselor and them being under the age of 18.
It's a VERY tricky situation and a slippery slope.
I have a BIL who teaches high school, and he has NO social media profiles because he does not even want to go there. However, I have lots of friends who teach who have multiple social media accounts through which they encourage their kids to connect with them that way and often share lesson info through SM, even with middle-schoolers. But ... they don't have personal conversations.
Our church youth group is VERY large, and the youth minister and choir leader do text the kids since that is their primary mode of communicating. They text about performance/meeting times and details, etc. However, again, they DON't have long convos with them. They ALWAYS encourage them to meet in person at church to discuss stuff. There should be policies at your church that cover this. Your husband is treading dangerous water.
In terms of your marriage, while he might be totally innocent and want to have a safe relationship with them, you need to be honest with him that it bothers you and that you prefer he find another method for “staying in touch.” The bad part is that if it “feels weird” to you, there is a chance you are correct. While it may not be sexual, it could be emotional cheating if he's getting a little "boost" from it.
Regardless, you need to tell HIM how it makes her feel instead of getting others to agree that it is weird. Doesn’t matter what we think if you are struggling with it. If it's important to you, it should be to him. He shouldn't be mocking you about it with comments like, "Since you aren't going to wait for me to tell you...."
As a youth pastor, I've always known it was in their best interest, and the interest of the church, to be married. Or at least in a serious relationship. I say this because as an adult, and working around teenagers, there's a lot of sticky situations to be involved in. His wife or girlfriend could handle the young girls questions, while he can handle the questions of the young boys.
My experience of being in a youth group growing up was just like that. If the youth pastor had to meet with a teenage girl, he never met with her alone. It wasn't because he was tempted to do anything, but because from the outside looking in, it covers all bases for himself. Within a spiritual organization, there's always someone who doesn't like the pastor, youth pastor, music minister, or somebody else, and is looking for a way to get them exiled from their position. It's better to be safe than sorry in these scenarios.
Your husband isn't hiding it by talking to them out in the open, but like someone else said, it's a tough call. He's putting himself in a position to where she can think that their conversations are leading somewhere, when all he's giving her is useful advice. She goes to her parents, when things don't go her way, and fabricates a story that they were having an emotional affair. With his position of power, he's already painted himself into a corner. It's just not a position I would want to be in as someone's spiritual counselor and them being under the age of 18.
Although you made some valid points I took a different look on things. She's not a youth advisor, he is so her addressing the girl's questions would in inappropriate. They've been together for quite a while based on hr earlier question so it sounds like he was already established in these positions well before she came along. If there's never been any instances if impropriety in the past 13+ years why is she questioning it now? He's openly talking to them in the public and he's not hiding his chats so I do not see the issue. If anyone is making an issue out of it it sounds like it's the wife making more into it. This is what I see happening and her ruining his reputation and position within the church. He'll be in the sanctuary or in his sunday school class one day and the wife will see him laughing or cutting up with the kids (which it sounds like he does often since they seem to be comfortable with him) and she's gonna say something to her and say, "do you think that's a problem for him to be talking to them like that?" One person says something to someone else an it takes off like wildfire.
Does he go visit these girls? Have they ever been in his car? Have any of these girl made ANY accusations against him in the past? Sounds like you're starting a fire where there's no need for one. To me it just seems like you are still sexually frustrated due to your weight gain and are deflecting your feelings and aggression to him and his ministry.
If, these two posts are legitimate, your husband has a serious problem. Youth pastor, or not, his obsession with young teen girls and his desire for your body to be like that of a teen girl are sick.
Something he is probably not considering.....how this looks to the parents of the underage girls. THEY might be the ones who have a problem with this.
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