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It was about the way you described how you wanted to give your bf all your attention, pamper him, etc. It wasn't clear whether you saw this as a way of life, or if this was the result of the thrill of being in a relationship, which is something that mellows out over time.
I don't see where you've responded to questions about whether your bf agrees with your preference to not have kids. Suddenly, it's hard to tell if you're here for advice, or if you joined in order to bicker with people. The thread is starting to sound like the latter case.
I actually think that a lot of people have posted merely to express their outrage over a word or patronize me about how it's "gross" that I'm so clingy or how "I'll get over it" (the lifestyle that I want) with time rather than offer anything useful. I've seen a few gems (mostly from other childfree or childless people) that I am grateful for.
If you're truly interested, I am genuinely glad to hear it. My boyfriend's expressed only uncertainty about whether he wants kids. He says he is on the fence but doesn't want any in the near future (meaning years). My concern is that is he does know, but he's thinking he will go along with whatever I want, since I've made it very clear that I will not be having any kids, and since he is very happy with the dynamics of our relationship (we really enjoy doting on each other, really). I don't know if I'm reading assumptions into his answer because even I have internalized the pronatalist notion of every guy eventually wanting kids, or if it's really possible to be 30 and not know. I have always known.
I actually think that a lot of people have posted merely to express their outrage over a word or patronize me about how it's "gross" that I'm so clingy or how "I'll get over it" (the lifestyle that I want) with time rather than offer anything useful. I've seen a few gems (mostly from other childfree or childless people) that I am grateful for.
If you're truly interested, I am genuinely glad to hear it. My boyfriend's expressed only uncertainty about whether he wants kids. He says he is on the fence but doesn't want any in the near future (meaning years). My concern is that is he does know, but he's thinking he will go along with whatever I want, since I've made it very clear that I will not be having any kids, and since he is very happy with the dynamics of our relationship (we really enjoy doting on each other, really). I don't know if I'm reading assumptions into his answer because even I have internalized the pronatalist notion of every guy wanting kids.
Only your boyfriend can answer these questions for you. The key to a healthy relationship is communication.
Only your boyfriend can answer these questions for you. The key to a healthy relationship is communication.
Sorry, I did edit after. I added that I wonder if it's possible to be 30 and not know. I have always known so I figured by this age people generally have a good idea what they want, one way or the other, and are maybe just repressing whatever that deep-down desire is. Is this a fair assumption to make or are there actually people who fully were not sure at 30 years old?
Sorry, I did edit after. I added that I wonder if it's possible to be 30 and not know. I have always known so I figured by this age people generally have a good idea what they want, one way or the other, and are maybe just repressing whatever that deep-down desire is. Is this a fair assumption to make or are there actually people who fully were not sure at 30 years old?
Everyone is different. I know that you want an answer - but your boyfriend is truly the only person that is going to be able to answer this for you.
Sorry, I did edit after. I added that I wonder if it's possible to be 30 and not know. I have always known so I figured by this age people generally have a good idea what they want, one way or the other, and are maybe just repressing whatever that deep-down desire is. Is this a fair assumption to make or are there actually people who fully were not sure at 30 years old?
I think there's a mental transition that happens for some people, between the extended adolescence of the 20's, and adulthood in the 30's. It doesn't happen to everyone at the same time, so you can't pick an arbitrary age by which everyone's expected to be on board the Grown-Up Train. And aside from that, your relationship is still new. You don't know how it will go the next few years. I wish you the best, but surprises happen, people change, sometimes life throws challenges at you, and different coping styles can pull people apart, different ways of dealing with stress, and so forth.
You can't know what he's thinking. IMO the best strategy, since he knows how you feel, is to set the issue aside, and be open to him voicing his thoughts on it when he's motivated to do that. Instead of you leading on the topic, be open to him expressing himself candidly.
I think there's a mental transition that happens for some people, between the extended adolescence of the 20's, and adulthood in the 30's. It doesn't happen to everyone at the same time, so you can't pick an arbitrary age by which everyone's expected to be on board the Grown-Up Train. And aside from that, your relationship is still new. You don't know how it will go the next few years. I wish you the best, but surprises happen, people change, sometimes life throws challenges at you, and different coping styles can pull people apart, different ways of dealing with stress, and so forth.
You can't know what he's thinking. IMO the best strategy, since he knows how you feel, is to set the issue aside, and be open to him voicing his thoughts on it when he's motivated to do that. Instead of you leading on the topic, be open to him expressing himself candidly.
Thank you for the advice.
Just FYI we are coming up on a full year at the end of this month. So it's something I have on my mind as I consider the possibility of getting a place together.
OP, who has been telling you that you should have kids because of your nurturing nature? I've never heard of that. Is this coming from relatives? Friends, work associates? It sounds like this has been more than just a passing thing, to generate so much annoyance on your part. If it's well-meaning relatives saying this, you can ignore them. But in general, you can simply respond to people that you're happy expressing your nurturance in other ways, and leave it at that. It's OK to not want kids, and isn't that unusual these days. Does Toronto have more traditional values, or something? I wouldn't have expected it to be a conservative area, like the Mid-West or South in the US.
As far as knowing for sure what you want for your life, some women don't get slammed with the baby-making hormones until closer to mid-30's. Some never go through that, though, and are happy going through life without kids. It does make life simpler. And congrats on finding a guy who's into mutual care-giving, mutual cuddling, and all that stuff. I hope it works out for you.
Sorry, I did edit after. I added that I wonder if it's possible to be 30 and not know. I have always known so I figured by this age people generally have a good idea what they want, one way or the other, and are maybe just repressing whatever that deep-down desire is. Is this a fair assumption to make or are there actually people who fully were not sure at 30 years old?
Of course it is. I absolutely did not want kids. Ever. Until my neice was born and I held her. Everything changed after that. Who knew? Hit me like a truck running a red light.
Of course it is. I absolutely did not want kids. Ever. Until my neice was born and I held her. Everything changed after that. Who knew? Hit me like a truck running a red light.
Hmmm well that's interesting. My bf's twin sister did give birth in the past year. So he has a niece now. Who knows? Maybe the "not sure" has become a definite yes for him and he just doesn't want to tell me, which isn't really fair to either of us.
That won't happen to me, though. I am an only child. I also come from a long line of women who should not have had children. It's good to know that other people can still change their minds in their 30's abruptly. I always figured those who said they weren't sure or who seemed to change their minds really knew but just weren't being honest (either with themselves or others).
Hmmm well that's interesting. My bf's twin sister did give birth in the past year. So he has a niece now. Who knows? Maybe the "not sure" has become a definite yes for him and he just doesn't want to tell me, which isn't really fair to either of us.
That won't happen to me, though. I am an only child. I also come from a long line of women who should not have had children. It's good to know that other people can still change their minds in their 30's abruptly. I always figured those who said they weren't sure or who seemed to change their minds really knew but just weren't being honest (either with themselves or others).
Don't over-worry it, OP. It sounds like you two have a good thing going on, so don't look for problems. Enjoy what you have.
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