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Oh wow. I have only had 2 friends so far have kids, the first I basically wrote off once the baby came because we weren't that close anyways (I did give her a baby shower gift, though before doing that) and she stopped going out until the kid was like 3 if FB is any indication, and the second is a longtime family friend so I still see her, just a lot less and nearly always in her home now because it's logistically easier.
I don't really have any other examples to compare it to since most of my friends at this point are either childLESS or childFREE. I would say the balance of my female friends are actually childFREE but one of them can probably be cajoled by her significant other if it comes right down to it (or maybe I'm not giving her enough credit, not too sure).
Ok but when you go out in public do you see families with small children?
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Originally Posted by torontocheeka
I personally wouldn't and don't get it either but seeing as how there are people in this very thread who couldn't hear the term "nurturing" without thinking of a sexual fetish involving mothering your partner, clearly, a lot of people do connect the two.
But you posed the question before, maybe two, people felt your nurturing comments were a bit off.
Oh wow. I have only had 2 friends so far have kids, the first I basically wrote off once the baby came because we weren't that close anyways (I did give her a baby shower gift, though before doing that) and she stopped going out until the kid was like 3 if FB is any indication, and the second is a longtime family friend so I still see her, just a lot less and nearly always in her home now because it's logistically easier.
I don't really have any other examples to compare it to since most of my friends at this point are either childLESS or childFREE. I would say the balance of my female friends are actually childFREE but one of them can probably be cajoled by her significant other if it comes right down to it (or maybe I'm not giving her enough credit, not too sure).
Oh, babies DO come first. Why wouldn't they, really. .. they're completely helpless and do not compromise on their needs or share attention willingly. If my kid were sick, I wouldn't be out toting him around and getting on with my daily routines, for instance, I'd be home setting to his needs. But under ordinary circumstances, life goes on after you have a kid. If it's important to you to maintain a social life, you'll still make it happen. If it's important to you not to lose touch with your partner, you'll make it happen. I don't know. Maybe as an "older" parent, I'm more pragmatic about it than some younger parents, having lived a bit more life?
Edit-I also do think that often, people who would prefer to be homebodies anyway are more prone to "using" their kids as excuses for why they "just can't go out. "
I do think it's odd when people throw an adversarial spin on differing lifestyle choices, though. Like making everything about being on "opposing teams," (like with the "'childfree' but could be cajoled by a partner into switching sides" kind of language and mentality, the "not giving her enough credit to stay on ' team childfree'" connotation, etc. It's not opposing teams. It's just individual, personal choice. You don't have to "win people over to your side."
Last edited by TabulaRasa; 02-09-2016 at 01:37 PM..
Most of the men I've seen online talk about "females" were not actually making any reference at all to childrearing or childbearing. They were just ******!ng about women.
Oh, I was talking about "breeder. " Not "females. "
Ok but when you go out in public do you see families with small children?
To be honest, not really! I see more now since I moved to a slightly cheaper area than I used to though.
When I'm in the heart of downtown, I almost never see families with children, now that you mention it!
I used to see a lot of moms when I briefly lived in a low-income area in my early 20's with their children, but never any dads.
Your relationship is still pretty new, so it's natural you want to revolve around him. After life as a couple becomes more routine, you may loosen up about that. That would be healthy, IMO. You need to have your own life, and your own interests independent of him.
Yep, this was my point in my initial response post. Very much agree.
Oh, babies DO come first. Why wouldn't they, really. .. they're completely helpless and do not compromise on their needs or share attention willingly. If my kid were sick, I wouldn't be out toting him around and getting on with my daily routines, for instance, I'd be home setting to his needs. But under ordinary circumstances, life goes on after you have a kid. If it's important to you to maintain a social life, you'll still make it happen. If it's important to you not to lose touch with your partner, you'll make it happen. I don't know. Maybe as an "older" parent, I'm more pragmatic about it than some younger parents, having lived a bit more life?
I do think it's odd when people throw an adversarial spin on suffering lifestyle choices, though. Like making everything about being on "opposing teams," (like with the "'childfree' but could be cajoled by a partner into switching sides" kind of language and mentality, the "not giving her enough credit to stay on ' team childfree'" connotation, etc. It's not opposing teams. It's just individual, personal choice. You don't have to "win people over to your side."
I think you are overthinking things a little bit. My friend stated that she does not want children vehemently. Her partner is the one who is trying to cajole her into having them later on, not me trying to convince her NOT to, and my comment eluded to the fact that he may eventually succeed, depending on how badly she wants the relationship to continue. You are seeing an adversarial tone and "sides" where none exists. In case you forget, the post itself is about parents, including mine, pressuring those of us who are childfree to share their lifestyle choice, not the other way around. I never claimed that you're a "victim" or "suffering." Just that parenthood doesn't appeal to me and I don't see how it can be balanced. I personally don't see how it's possible for me to "have it all" and I have very clearly-defined priorities that I want to give 100% to rather than trying to half-ass various important things. In my case, I would like to prioritize my romantic relationship, and my friendships. If you are successful at balancing everything in your life, then I think that's great.... for you.
Last edited by torontocheeka; 02-09-2016 at 01:50 PM..
I think you are overthinking things a little bit. My friend stated that she does not want children vehemently. Her partner is the one who is trying to cajole her into having them later on, not me trying to convince her NOT to, and my comment eluded to the fact that he may eventually succeed, depending on how badly she wants the relationship to continue.
Could be. Not knowing any parties involved, I obviously couldn't say. It could also be the case that her own desires in life change and evolve. It may have to do with that, and not with choosing to acquiesce to a partner with different desires.
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You are seeing an adversarial tone where none exists. In case you forget, the post itself is about parents, including mine, pressuring those of us who are childfree to share their lifestyle choice. I never claimed that you're a victim of your lifestyle choice. Just that it doesn't appeal to me and I don't see how it can be balanced. I personally don't see how it's possible for me to "have it all" and I have very clearly-defined priorities that I want to give 100% to rather than trying to half-ass various important things. In my case, I would like to prioritize my romantic relationship, and my friendships. If you are successful at balancing everything in your life, then I think that's great.... for you.
But since we're talking about reading things in that aren't there, I'm compelled to point out that I never, ever, claimed to be "successful at balancing everything in life." Not by a long shot. Just that I haven't found it to be the case that parenting means healthy socializing with others is now over and done with, thus far.
Overall, though, both I and others have been pretty vocal on this thread that there is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing not to have kids as long as that's communicated well to your partner, and your partner is of a compatible mindset. If your parents/assorted family feel differently, that's unfortunate, but ultimately, they have no say, anyway.
Your relationship is still pretty new, so it's natural you want to revolve around him. After life as a couple becomes more routine, you may loosen up about that. That would be healthy, IMO. You need to have your own life, and your own interests independent of him.
Right. And so when I see him 3 nights a week, that is what the other 4 nights are for. And of course we'll often hang out with groups of friends as well since we are both social people and our friends all get along and like us together.
I really don't see how not wanting a child in the middle of our home and private time together = no independent interests. But okay.
To be honest, not really! I see more now since I moved to a slightly cheaper area than I used to though.
When I'm in the heart of downtown, I almost never see families with children, now that you mention it!
I used to see a lot of moms when I briefly lived in a low-income area in my early 20's with their children, but never any dads.
Well maybe only poor women take their children with them because they cant afford nannies.
Perhaps it is the time of day you are out and about and the venues you frequent.
I see families, sometimes mom, sometimes dad, sometimes both about everywhere I go, shopping, restaurants, parks, festivals, libraries, business offices, church, ball games, the lake, movies, beauty salon, the gym......
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