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So, I'm turning 30 this week. The past decade has been a whirlwind, but I came out the other side stronger, smarter, and much happier overall with my life than I started it. I was very fortunate to be able to set aside some money, get a cute little place of my own, and find the love of my life all within the last year alone.
The thing is, rather than "starting to think seriously about having a kid" like so many claim that all women uniformly will get into the mindframe of around the age of 30, I have only become more certain that having kids is not for me.
And it's not that I'm not nurturing. Actually, I'm VERY nurturing. It's just that I don't want to nurture a baby, or a kid. I want to nurture my boyfriend.
I want to dote on my boyfriend every night. I want to feed... my boyfriend. I want every evening when I come home to be centred around him and us and giving him massages and doing stuff together and not a third party which feels very intrusive and which I would most likely resent for cutting into our time together.
When I set goals for myself and look at sort of "the 5-year-plan," I'm gradually working towards goals like retirement fund, getting and decorating a nice place for the two of us, etc. but there is never any thought of a kid.
I guess I just wonder why the assumption is that if you are an affectionate person who likes to care for others that means that you're definitely going to want a kid?
I also plan to give plenty of love and nightly affection to my boyfriend as we build our lives together so why do I feel guilty like I am potentially denying him something when I'll be giving him lots? Have I swallowed the Kool-Aid to think that all men secretly want to be fathers?
EVERY woman feels that way about their lovers...at first. That is why people procreate. If you give too much to your partner at your own expense, don't be complaining later when he sucks up all your opinions, wants and needs. OK?
Being cuddly and close and even merging lives is very very very different than being motherly or being nurtured.
I see a big distinction between mothering/fathering and nurturing. To me nurturing simply means exhibiting a level of caring that goes above and beyond what is socially typical. I believe nurturing can apply to many other things beyond children. People can nurture pets, houseplants, a garden, wildlife habitat, a house, hobbies, bonsai trees and the list goes on and on. I am proud of the real estate I bought and I nurture it by giving it way more attention than most people give their houses. It was a foreclosure and I intend to bring it back to its former glory and then some.
Caring for children is just one way people can nurture and I suspect that everyone nurtures something whether human, other living thing or inanimate object.
I see a big distinction between mothering/fathering and nurturing. To me nurturing simply means exhibiting a level of caring that goes above and beyond what is socially typical. I believe nurturing can apply to many other things beyond children. People can nurture pets, houseplants, a garden, wildlife habitat, a house, hobbies, bonsai trees and the list goes on and on. I am proud of the real estate I bought and I nurture it by giving it way more attention than most people give their houses. It was a foreclosure and I intend to bring it back to its former glory and then some.
Caring for children is just one way people can nurture and I suspect that everyone nurtures something whether human, other living thing or inanimate object.
So, I'm turning 30 this week. The past decade has been a whirlwind, but I came out the other side stronger, smarter, and much happier overall with my life than I started it. I was very fortunate to be able to set aside some money, get a cute little place of my own, and find the love of my life all within the last year alone.
The thing is, rather than "starting to think seriously about having a kid" like so many claim that all women uniformly will get into the mindframe of around the age of 30, I have only become more certain that having kids is not for me.
And it's not that I'm not nurturing. Actually, I'm VERY nurturing. It's just that I don't want to nurture a baby, or a kid. I want to nurture my boyfriend.
I want to dote on my boyfriend every night. I want to feed... my boyfriend. I want every evening when I come home to be centred around him and us and giving him massages and doing stuff together and not a third party which feels very intrusive and which I would most likely resent for cutting into our time together.
When I set goals for myself and look at sort of "the 5-year-plan," I'm gradually working towards goals like retirement fund, getting and decorating a nice place for the two of us, etc. but there is never any thought of a kid.
I guess I just wonder why the assumption is that if you are an affectionate person who likes to care for others that means that you're definitely going to want a kid?
I also plan to give plenty of love and nightly affection to my boyfriend as we build our lives together so why do I feel guilty like I am potentially denying him something when I'll be giving him lots? Have I swallowed the Kool-Aid to think that all men secretly want to be fathers?
lucky man it sounds like. It'd be a beautiful thing to have a lady into me like that.
I also find it baffling in our current environment that anyone gives a fig about what "society" assumes they should do with their future. I really thought we had evolved beyond this hope chest, Mr. Right, wedding and children as being the goal and only option for women.
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742
Agree. I don't live in a rural area anymore (thank the flying spaghetti monster), but I don't see it or hear it. Maybe because I'm a guy. I've never been asked when I'm going to get married, or when or if I'm going to procreate. Education and career questions are common though.
If I was to wager a guess as to where this pressure still happens, it would be within religious social circles. Outside of the family, I imagine churches are the only social establishments that still exhibit pressure for people to marry and procreate. I experienced that kind of social pressure as recently as the early 1990s but it disappeared when I relocated to a less religious area. Of course the early 1990s are now 20 years ago.
Hmmm well that's interesting. My bf's twin sister did give birth in the past year. So he has a niece now. Who knows? Maybe the "not sure" has become a definite yes for him and he just doesn't want to tell me, which isn't really fair to either of us.
That won't happen to me, though. I am an only child. I also come from a long line of women who should not have had children. It's good to know that other people can still change their minds in their 30's abruptly. I always figured those who said they weren't sure or who seemed to change their minds really knew but just weren't being honest (either with themselves or others).
Everyone is different. I work with a couple (we all went to college together) who, to everyone's surprise, married after working together for several years . She never, never, ever wanted kids, is a really good person but no one would every describe her as nurturing, he was either way on having kids. After several years of marriage at 40 they suddenly wanted a kid. At 46 they now have 3, and she would like another but the age thing. She is a very good mother.
My son never, ever wanted kids of his own. He likes kids but had no desire to bring forth his own into this world. He is 32 and still feels the same way.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2mares
My son never, ever wanted kids of his own. He likes kids but had no desire to bring forth his own into this world. He is 32 and still feels the same way.
So go figure.
32 is still pretty young. I see that notion changing a lot in guys mid to late 30s. When I was mid 30s, after I finished grad school and became re-established career wise with a decent track (not without hiccups) is when I came to the point of wanting a family with the right woman. As it turns out, none of the women I had strong connections with since then wanted kids, save one, she didn't want them with me. So it goes...
32 is still pretty young. I see that notion changing a lot in guys mid to late 30s. When I was mid 30s, after I finished grad school and became re-established career wise with a decent track (not without hiccups) is when I came to the point of wanting a family with the right woman. As it turns out, none of the women I had strong connections with since then wanted kids, save one, she didn't want them with me. So it goes...
Yes, Im not saying he will never change his mind but I dont see it happening. As you said the thing is by 32 chances are the women you will be dating will not be wanting kids at that stage or already have kids and dont want more, unless you date much younger. All of the women my son has dated seriously already had kids.
Yes, Im not saying he will never change his mind but I dont see it happening. As you said the thing is by 32 chances are the women you will be dating will not be wanting kids at that stage or already have kids and dont want more, unless you date much younger. All of the women my son has dated seriously already had kids.
I think that depends on where you live. Most of my friends got married in their 30's and had kids in their mid-late 30's.
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