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My sister, age 46, has never been in a romantic or sexual relationship- according to her. She has a job, a home, a set of friends and lives well. But never has been with a man or a woman in a romantic or sexual way. Is this more common than we would think? Do you know anyone like this?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just Conversation
If you met her for the first time she seems perfectly healthy and normal and again has a circle of friends and a good job and does well financially.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just Conversation
She brought up the subject at Christmas and is very sad about it. She is very candid but I still was afraid to ask her if she uses a vibrator or maybe she has no sex drive.
From the start (reading your first posting # 1 which started this thread, as quoted above), I wanted to know more about your sister (such as wondering if she is a dedicated asexual and/or aromantic, as there are people like that . . . or if otherwise she is disturbed or disappointed in this fact about herself). And then your next posting # 8 (also quoted above) said that she otherwise seems very normal (has friends, a good job, does well financially . . . which conveys that you must know how to fit in and get along with people to a good degree, as social misfits do not tend to get gainful employment and advance in their careers to do well financially, as well as to have a circle of regular friends. And then your next posting # 18 revealed even more about which that I wondered about her (i.e., I wondered if it disturbs her at all that she has never had a romantic or sexual relationship nor even a singular romantic- or sexual-like interaction such as a kiss or a hug).and you shared in your posting # 18 that she conveyed to you that she "is very sad about it." So I guess that conveys that she is not a dedicated asexual and/or aromantic.
So your posting #'s 1, 8, and 18 paint up a picture of her for me to understand her better. So here are the remaining questions I have about her to understand her even further:
Is she a woman who would be perceived as a rather unattractive woman by most men (or even by other women . . . i.e., if she would even have any degree of openness or inclination to same-sex relationships at all), such as being morbidly obese or obese enough to be unappealing, or even being too anorexic and emaciated, or having a rather unappealing face or teeth/smile, or having bad skin condition? If not, it has been said that a woman with any degree of feminine appeal to her at all (even if a rather regular or plain “girl next door” kind of look to her) can attract males . . . and then especially if she gives them any umambiguous sign or indication at all that she is interested or receptive. Has no man ever made any kind of move on her at all in her entire 46+ years of living (even for a coffee or lunch date or hanging out after work or on a weekend or a movie or to come to be with him at his home or at her home, or whatever else) or, if they did ever make such moves on her, she just runs away or turns them down flat? In other words, if no man at all has even made any moves on her of any type, what is it about her that makes her so unappealing to men that they never think about her in that way?
Regardless of her looks, does she come across as very socially awkward or socially stilted or fearful when relating to any males beyond a merely platonic level or to male workplace colleagues?
Does she have detrimental habits or ways such as less-than-ideal hygiene, never smiles, no or little sense of humor, less-than-ideal or even bad social manners, a bad or even terrible conversationalist who has little to say or doesn’t listen well enough, coming across as uninteresting or boring or as being bored herself, coming across as too stiff or hung up or stuck up, being a nagger and/or micromanager with others, or whatever other possible detrimental habits or ways about her? Or does she have any characteristics indicative of being perhaps psychiatrically or neuropsychiatrically challenged such as being bipolar?
Does she ever take it upon herself to be the one asks men or shows interest in any men that pique her interest (that is, with her outright asking them for further involvement or otherwise clearly conveying to them by her manner with them that she would be receptive to them pursuing things with her)? Many times, all a man needs is some sign of receptivity from the woman to give him the confidence to climb out of his own shell and make the moves.
What are the answers to all these relevant questions about her?
Only if they are socially awkward, morbidly obese or very unattractive.
Sorry, but you're very wrong. I have a friend who is normal height and weight, average appearance, and is actually well liked and very popular. But, he has never expressed an interest in women, is over 50 and quite happy. He's never married and I doubt had very many if any dates with women. But he was raised by parents who did not have a happy marriage, and knows a lot of unhappily married people, so he's decided he's happier unmarried, without all the hassles of trying to keep a woman happy.
it's very common for men , especially if your not that outgoing or social, the competition is very high at a young age when the women are most desirable , it seems every girl you like has 20 other guys trying to date her, and it's almost impossible or not that easy to find someone
then the older you get the tougher it gets, since the women are already married, engaged, have kids from a previous relation, etc
I'd say anywhere from 35-50% of all men are not what I'd consider "outgoing". And men who aren't very social may be a bit uncommon, but they aren't rare. And yet...the overwhelming majority of men that aren't outgoing and/or not very social have managed to have at least one intimate relationship by their late 20s.
Even many men and women who rarely put themselves out there, or were engrossed in work/school with long hours, or who never set foot inside a bar or club...have had at least one intimate relationship by their late 20s.
Socially awkward and/or insecure men are not uncommon, and it is true that many women are turned off by guys that are socially awkward. And despite that...most socially awkward men (and women) have had at least one romantic relationship before the age of 30.
(A lot of men in the above categories are actually quite well-liked in general.)
Whether true or not...there is a reason why a lot of people wonder if something is wrong with a person who hasn't experienced romance by the age of 40 or even 30. I mean...it's a big ol' world with lots of diversity and billions of people out there.
I'd say anywhere from 35-50% of all men are not what I'd consider "outgoing". And men who aren't very social may be a bit uncommon, but they aren't rare. And yet...the overwhelming majority of men that aren't outgoing and/or not very social have managed to have at least one intimate relationship by their late 20s.
Even many men and women who rarely put themselves out there, or were engrossed in work/school with long hours, or who never set foot inside a bar or club...have had at least one intimate relationship by their late 20s.
Socially awkward and/or insecure men are not uncommon, and it is true that many women are turned off by guys that are socially awkward. And despite that...most socially awkward men (and women) have had at least one romantic relationship before the age of 30.
(A lot of men in the above categories are actually quite well-liked in general.)
Whether true or not...there is a reason why a lot of people wonder if something is wrong with a person who hasn't experienced romance by the age of 40 or even 30. I mean...it's a big ol' world with lots of diversity and billions of people out there.
Why can't it just mean that they may not want to date? Or maybe haven't been lucky enough to have a person like them back the way they do?
Just cause there are billions of people out there, doesn't mean you'll find romance (at least in the timeline everyone says you should start).
I'm 25, and have asked out quite a few women in my lifetime, and they never ended up reciprocating my interest in them. It happens and it's life..
I'd say anywhere from 35-50% of all men are not what I'd consider "outgoing". And men who aren't very social may be a bit uncommon, but they aren't rare. And yet...the overwhelming majority of men that aren't outgoing and/or not very social have managed to have at least one intimate relationship by their late 20s.
Even many men and women who rarely put themselves out there, or were engrossed in work/school with long hours, or who never set foot inside a bar or club...have had at least one intimate relationship by their late 20s.
Socially awkward and/or insecure men are not uncommon, and it is true that many women are turned off by guys that are socially awkward. And despite that...most socially awkward men (and women) have had at least one romantic relationship before the age of 30.
(A lot of men in the above categories are actually quite well-liked in general.)
Whether true or not...there is a reason why a lot of people wonder if something is wrong with a person who hasn't experienced romance by the age of 40 or even 30. I mean...it's a big ol' world with lots of diversity and billions of people out there.
Yes there is a reason and its because way too many people enjoy looking down their noses at other people and judging them as defective instead of simply minding their own business.
To answer the original post - yes I know ppl in their 40s that haven't had "real" LT relationships. They have all been sexual though and still are. Many didn't put love relationships/marriage as a life goal/priority. They are living life and enjoying it as it comes. One had terrible luck/no realtionships with women when "suddenly" he came out as gay at 40. He dates a lot more now but still no love coupling (at 42).
I did know one asexual who still wanted a "real" romantic gf but no sex. Even he had had gfs in the past and was very awkward.
You can all say she is unattractive or social inept etc....BUT plenty of unattractive hateful unhealthy ppl have relationships. They might not be healthy but they are still having them. Even raging alcoholics that can't hold a job can be having love relationships.
That being said...many many people have unhealthy relationships, even abusive ones. I'm annoyed that they are held in higher esteem than decent ppl who just aren't having relationships.
I do have one gf who has issues and doesn't do relationships well. She doesn't like to hurt ppl that she cares about (or any ppl really) so she doesn't really do LTRs. She also only gets involved with ppl who she really thinks might be worth the effort and emotion. She is an introvert and needs a lot of alone time. If she doesn't get it she reacts badly to the stress. She is so worth it in so many ways and is such a good loyal giving friend but finding a match isn't easy for her. She also wants to be a good partner so if she can't give another what they need she tends to end things. I'm sad for that but also really respect it. Too many just take and take from others even though they suck. She did have a brief STR recently; she liked him well enough and he her, BUT he refuses to get a job (he's 49) and drinks heavily everyday. Short term fun in the beginning quickly gave way to this harsh realty and she told him goodbye. Many others would stay and have their relationship oh yeah.
Really, if you are willing to date 'anyone" who wants a LTR with "anyone" likely they will find a match. Plenty of couples are like that. I don't even have an opinion on that, I'm kinda jealous actually, that they don't need much.
My closest friend from high school is Stephen. We are both 56. He has worked as a car mechanic. He owned a body shop for a few years, but he does not have the skill set to manage a business. Mostly he has worked for cinema companies doing tech work to maintain theater projectors. He owns his own house. He has generally been slightly over-weight, but not obese. Among other men he gets along with others really well, but when females are present he becomes socially awkward.
Stephen has had a series of short-term 'girl friends', that each follow a kind of script.
He will come across a female with a car problem. He is a good mechanic, he will offer to begin fixing her car offering free labor. The female might pay for the first repair part, then she will go into a discussion about her financial problems. Which lures him into agreeing to pay for all repair parts. Then she talks about her children and offers to introduce Stephen to her children. If he visits her home and meets the children, the hook is set. If he sees worn clothing, then he starts offering to take the children out for clothes buying trips. If he sees their kitchen and if the cupboards are not full, then he wants to go grocery shopping with them and fill their kitchen with food. I have seen Stephen use rent-a-center to get new TV / entertainment center, all on his signature to make payments.
By the time that the female's car is totally re-built and all of this is done, they will have spent 2 or 3 evenings together with the children, and maybe cuddling on the couch. Then the female will drop Stephen.
He goes into a depression, we end up in long talks, he will remain committed to making the payments to finish paying for any lease-to-own home furnishings. Each time after he gets burned in this manner, when the last payment has been made, then he will stay away from entangling with females for about a year. Before he is prone to get hooked back into the same scenario again.
I find it sad that he is 56 and he is still a virgin.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,699 posts, read 41,727,010 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by GravityMan
I'd say anywhere from 35-50% of all men are not what I'd consider "outgoing". And men who aren't very social may be a bit uncommon, but they aren't rare. And yet...the overwhelming majority of men that aren't outgoing and/or not very social have managed to have at least one intimate relationship by their late 20s.
Even many men and women who rarely put themselves out there, or were engrossed in work/school with long hours, or who never set foot inside a bar or club...have had at least one intimate relationship by their late 20s.
Socially awkward and/or insecure men are not uncommon, and it is true that many women are turned off by guys that are socially awkward. And despite that...most socially awkward men (and women) have had at least one romantic relationship before the age of 30.
(A lot of men in the above categories are actually quite well-liked in general.)
Whether true or not...there is a reason why a lot of people wonder if something is wrong with a person who hasn't experienced romance by the age of 40 or even 30. I mean...it's a big ol' world with lots of diversity and billions of people out there.
Can it just be accepted that there are men out there that women just don't want no matter what the man does? Hell, I'm probably one of them.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,699 posts, read 41,727,010 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
It's really not. Virgins are about 0.3% of the over-40 population in fact. That is one-third of 1 percent. And included in that 0.3% are men and women who have been in relationships at some point but remained virgins for whatever reason.
I guess that includes people who are involuntarily virgins.
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