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Hi. well I am just wondering how other people would feel about their other half having close friends of the opposite sex, particularly one that he/ she had a huge crush on for years in the past.
for example: your boyfriend regularly chats to a girl he had a crush on for years in the past because they are still close friends, but exclaims that this is ok because there are no longer any sexual feelings due to the relationship he has with you.
except the bond they share is emotional (in a platonic sense as declared by him I might add), they talk about feelings and comfort/ support one another emotionally and he feels a large amount of what she feels.
for instance, he once told me that when she was in a different country and was having a bad day, their connection was telepathic to the point that he was in tears all day because he felt her anguish.
you know when you have known someone so long and so well that you have a telepathic connection??
well, how would you feel in this scenario and how would you define boundaries?
personally, I don't mind a boyfriend having friends, but preferably ones he has never crushed on and on top of that, the depth of the bond makes me very uncomfortable and unhappy. in fact I think that I feel a physical pain in my heart because of it and I sometimes pick up on his sadness when I have no reason to be feeling sad. I am telepathic also with him and I sometimes don't know where this heart pain and sadness is coming from, all I know is that I don't like it and it feels like I shouldn't have it.
I asked him how he was feeling when I had a physical heart pain for around an hour followed by a feeling of sadness and he said he was just missing me, but I don't see how I would feel like that from him missing me. I thought that when your love missed you it gave you a warm, fuzzy and loving feeling? well it always has for me in the past anyway. that's why I don't trust it. my instincts tell me that it just feels off.
Ps: I don't believe that he would cheat on me, but with regards to emotional bonding with an ex crush, how can I lay boundaries without sounding jealous and risking him not wanting to be open about these things? ideas are welcome and please share your personal opinions, feelings and boundaries!
Last edited by crystalpaw; 04-12-2016 at 03:46 AM..
Maybe the crushing wasn't quite finished and maybe their flame is still on because honestly that much contact may not be just friendly rather more than it
You may have come in the situation to fill a void of some kind, or for convenience or just any related reason
Just keep your eyes open for any pointers
well the thing is, we have been together for over two years and for the first year and a half or so, they were no longer in contact, which was his decision out of respect for me (though I said I didn't mind it back then).
but we had an argument back in december, which caused him to go stone cold on me and lose a lot of feelings. things have been very different since then emotionally, and we have gradually been building them back up from that since. things have improved a little, but he says that he has changed and he is unsure about what he wants with me in the future and is 50/ 50 with regards to whether he wants to move things to the next level.
he is actually not very open about this friendship and mainly keeps it to himself, but I know that he is back in touch with her. mainly via skype video calls I think.
I might add that he said he would never consider a relationship with her, even if single, because she has a tendency to become violent towards her boyfriends and has ruined past relationships of her own that way. I know he couldn't deal with aggression or violence at all, so I am not overly worried about him wanting anything substantial with her, nor am I worried about him cheating.
it's just the friendship itself and his claim that he is no longer attracted to her. I mean, fair enough but really? she is a beautiful woman. the thought of her energy being around and the energy I am putting into him while receiving heart pains, sadness and losing confidence in return. I just don't know if it is worth it. and the thought of him talking to her about us also is awful. she is also in the same group of friends we share, but due to her having been abroad until fairly recently, I have actually never met her.
It's not her, it's him. Time for you to back away from the relationship into neutral territory. There's nothing you can do except take care of yourself. If he comes around, it has to be voluntarily.
No matter what the past, friends of the opposite sex are always a potential problem and threat to the marriage. Frankly, I don't understand guys who want to hang out and be friends with women. Men are usually into cars, guns, hunting, type stuff, which most women have very little interest in. IMHO, a guy who wants to keep up a "friendship" with a woman may very well be looking to score.
he is actually not very open about this friendship and mainly keeps it to himself
If this were the ONLY red flag, I would say you have a problem.
But there are so many more.
If he knows that this relationship upsets you but persists with it, then no boundaries that you can set are going to change his behavior. He has to choose to stop it on his own, and if you were his sole priority, he already would have.
No matter what the past, friends of the opposite sex are always a potential problem and threat to the marriage. Frankly, I don't understand guys who want to hang out and be friends with women. Men are usually into cars, guns, hunting, type stuff, which most women have very little interest in. IMHO, a guy who wants to keep up a "friendship" with a woman may very well be looking to score.
Yeah, uh no. Believe it or not, most men I know in my life are way more evolved than this, and are PERFECTLY able to have very meaningful friendships with women that don't involve "looking to score". Way to get in a dig at guys, though.
For the OP, you need to talk to HIM. Don't be so overdramatic and just tell him if this relationship is bothering you and why - if he doesn't care or won't discuss it with you, well then you have your answer.
the lack of openness bothers me the most, I think.
I mean, we are quite evolved, we both are and I am very understanding, but I am also quite traditional at heart
and I am the type to pool much of my energy into family and home, which is what I want for the future.
I think he knows that we both have somewhat different values and we both focus ourselves differently, which basically means I end up feeling emotionally unfulfilled, but I have tried leaving him and this angered him because it means I am not being there for him, even through his whole being unsure about me and the 50/ 50 thing.
So I am just basically pooling energy in and losing it, with much less being returned I think. I cannot do the whole 50/ 50 thing and bimble along, with no direction.
Frankly, I think your emphasis on "energy" is distracting you from the extent of the problem.
It "angered" him when you tried to leave before?? LOL Look, don't let his dysfunction manipulate you into overlooking the fact that he is basically a liar and a hypocrite who wants to have his cake and eat it too.
Listen to the healthy part of you that is telling you to get out.
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