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For most normal people (e.g., people who are emotionally intelligent and do not depend on forums to validate them or solve their issues), meeting the right person comes first and the desire for a relationship comes after.
Don't pay attention to the sad sacks who come here looking to "get a girlfriend" or who "need a relationship." They are doing it entirely wrong/backwards and will be largely unsuccessful.
I have heard from countless people who tell me that they need x,y and z in relationships and that they have to "get laid" and have to have the "girl" or "boy" etc...and when I see them in a relationship, they always seem miserable.
And it gets even worse with marriage: so many people in loveless marriages who can't stand each other and seem to just be going through the motions in life. I can't help but think that these people simply followed society's expectations and not what their actual desires are telling them.
Honestly, step aside and sit somewhere quiet and alone and ask yourself: what do I WANT Not "what will my friends think" or "what is my family telling me" or even "what does my shrink say," but what do YOU want. The answer will most likely surprise a lot of people.
Let's say you were to cast aside all rules but these three: 1) don't hurt anyone or their property 2) don't do anything ridiculously illegal ( I say "ridiculously" because of things like jaywalking) and 3) do what YOU want to do, where would you be relationship wise?
Honestly: just like so much of why people "crash diet" when they aren't even fat is societal pressure, how much of people spending late nights on dating sites is "societal pressure" to "find someone" as opposed to a real desires within themselves to do so?
If more people were brutally honest I think more would make the same choice I have: celibacy. When I sit down and think about it, I don't want a girlfriend or sex or any of it. I just want to be alone with my cat and I want to travel the world. When I sit down alone I think that I would rather hike the entire Pacific Crest Trail or see Japan than deal with relationship drama. And as for sex, honestly, masturbation is easier for me and I was never a big fan of sex with a person anyway.
And if you really want a relationship...fine. If that's what makes you happy, cool. But it is just depressing to see 99.9% of society just accept blindly that they NEED "love" when it isn't even their own voice telling them that.
And so much of society seems to be hellbent on saying EVERYONE needs a relationship and sex to be happy. Therapists, the media etc are all trying to sell us on this idea that every single human being needs "love" to be fulfilled and if you don't, there is something wrong with you. No, being inauthentic is the only thing "wrong" with someone, not realizing that there are better things to do than try to be compatible with someone else.
Ever think that maybe, just maybe, you would be better off on your own, but there is something outside yourself stopping you?
I've noticed that you're never content to simply do what you decide is best for you.
Instead, you have this recurring need to inform everyone else that they're wrong for not doing what you do and for not wanting to do what you do. You need to believe that your subjective preferences are objective truths, and everyone who has other subjective preferences really is just objectively doing it 'wrong' - whatever it happens to be.
OP Does it really matter what everyone else is doing? Do their personal choices have ANY effect on your life at all whatsoever? No, they don't. Therefore why don't you just do you and let everyone else do whatever they're going to do and you quit telling people what to do? Because you're coming off as a Judgy McJudgington, which is probably a big reason why you're having no luck with dating. Nobody likes a pessimist.
My relationship doesn't cause me any drama or grief. It's impossible to be in any relationship without disagreeing sometimes, but there are a lot more positives than negatives. People who are truly happy single and prefer it that way are out there living being happy and single, not posting on the internet about it. Me thinks you do protest too much...
It's actually hilariously ironic that someone starts a thread complaining about how society's expectations are "telling" people how to live their lives...and then proceeds to directly tell people how they should live their lives.
I do think that sometimes people on here get very narrow ideas of what constitutes normal experience in this realm and then claim it's gospel. And I also think that if trying to engage in this dating/relationship process is self-destructive, the answer is just to back off and find what makes you happy (and I am actually someone who has done just that). But there are tons of people out there who thrive in the conventional dating environment, and it's pretty foolish to say that all of them are wrong or part of a problem.
Thanks for letting us know you don't want a girlfriend. For the second time today.
I am laughing that you'd rather go to Japan than deal with "relationship drama". I'd rather go on a bike ride than eat bleach, but I have a partner so what do I do?!?
This is the second thread isn't it. The other one seems to have vanished. At any rate, .my thoughts on this are the same as the other thread. My relationship with my lady has nothing to do with anyone expectations or standards. I love her, and she makes life worth living. We understand each other, support each other, the trust, loyalty, and love are a trifecta for a feeling I've never known before.
We've both been through hell, getting to each other, and have had our share of trials since coming together. Trials that might just have sent many people in search of life elsewhere. Well take the bad with the good, because we know, when the bad ends, and it will end, it's nothing but good from horizon to horizon., and were the only ones in the valley between. Oh , we have friends and acquaintances, we would just rather be with each other than any of them. Pressure to conform to societal ideals comes mainly from them.
Interestingly, our respective frkends, with just two notable exceptions, have all advocated the ideal expressed by the OP. That being that we should cut our losses, and go it alone. This from her "friends" and mine. There does seem to be a lack of understanding as to our support of each other, and holding things together through the s***storm of things that have fallen on us. As if none of it would have happened bad we been on our own. Depending on who for a lifeline? These "friends"? Riiiiight. You betcha.
Everything that's happened would have happened anyway, and if we had been going it alone, we would not have survived, or had the resolve to keep on surviving. How anyone could arrive at the conclusion We'd be better off without each other, I can't suss out. I can't even imagine the things we've been through together, having been attempted without each other.
With that in mind, I will continue to nurture our relationship, disregard the "societal standards" touted by "friends" , and the OP, and revel in our happiness. Not being alone in this fight, called life, is a good feeling. This may come as a shock, OP, but society condones the attitude of everyone for themselves more and more these days. Just bailing out when things get rocky for one part er or another is becoming pretty common. Helping someone else , besides oneself, is just to much trouble, it seems. I'm so glad I'm not one of those, and that my lady isn't either.
Last edited by NVplumber; 05-31-2016 at 03:29 PM..
My relationship issues are related to me. I don't really care about what society says about my relationship. We're not married but have been together 20 plus years. Sometimes people are a little taken back by us being together so long and not married, but that's their problem, not mine. Mrs. Chow isn't being taken advantage of, she's not some lowly victimized woman because we're not married. Marriage isn't on her radar and neither is it on mine. I'm actually ambivalent about it. I'm sure if I was with a woman for a good long while and she wanted it I'd probably do it, just because I don't really give a crap about it either way, if it became a deal breaker and I really wanted to be with the person I would do it. Having kids would be a deal breaker for me, that's not something that I would have ambivalence about, as well as people shouldn't have or be about that subject. I don't think people should have kids with a "f it" kind of attitude.
And if you really want a relationship...fine. If that's what makes you happy, cool. But it is just depressing to see 99.9% of society just accept blindly that they NEED "love" when it isn't even their own voice telling them that.
How is that conclusion derived? It is the foundation of the premise of the post. Without substantiation the point is lost and pointless.
How is that conclusion derived? It is the foundation of the premise of the post. Without substantiation the point is lost and pointless.
VictorianPunk has conducted lengthy interviews with 99.9% of humanity and thus is qualified to make these claims.
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