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I don't expect or want to go dutch, especially early on. I asked, I treat. I do like good manners, and I don't like people "assuming" I will pay or taking it for granted. When I'm asked out I never "assume" they are treating, though it is nice when they do.
I don't know, when I'm invited over to someone's house for dinner I always bring something (wine, dessert, etc) to. It is just proper manners. Dating really isn't any different.
But again, the extreme here is that this scenario wasn't about a first date, or second date, but about taking taking taking taking without ever offering again and again, and yes, that is being a mooch.
^^^^^ I never assume that the other person pays when suggesting to go out.
How does that work anyway? If I want to hang out with a friend, I get punished with the whole bill if I am the first one to suggest to go to a restaurant? So if I am always the one suggesting to meet, I am always the one who should pay?? That doesn't make sense.
If I want to pay, I would say "Lets go out for dinner, I will pay." If I don't say that, it is up in the air, I would never assume one or the other pays 100%. So far, I never had a misunderstanding with somebody.
And yes, if you are invited to somebody's house for dinner, I will bring wine. Without a question. Even if a coworker calls me over for a beer, I ask if I should bring snacks. Manners, people, it is called manners!
On a first date, I would not order something expensive and I would ALWAYS at least reach for my wallet once the bill shows up and be prepared to split. and I would never go on a weekend trip without asking PRIOR "So how much will the costs be" and he would say .....
I would say that if you are the one always suggesting you go out perhaps you need better friends, ones who do have manners and reciprocate invitations?
I would say that if you are the one always suggesting you go out perhaps you need better friends, ones who do have manners and reciprocate invitations?
oh-eve, I presumed that DubbleT was responding to this comment of yours:
"How does that work anyway? If I want to hang out with a friend, I get punished with the whole bill if I am the first one to suggest to go to a restaurant? So if I am always the one suggesting to meet, I am always the one who should pay?? That doesn't make sense. "
I had the same thought as DoubleT. If my so-called friends never reciprocated invitations, I would eventually stop considering them as friends, unless they were going through a temporary hardship, in which case I wouldn't mind if the invitations were lopsided.
I also thought it was interesting that you think paying the tab when you invite someone out as being "punished". That really surprised me and even made me chuckle, because I would never think of it like that at all. If I thought of paying for a friend (whom I invited out) as punishment, I wouldn't have invited them in the first place!
When I invite people out, I treat them. And when they invite me out, they treat me. This is across the board, no matter if they are platonic friends, dates, family members, or even if it's a business meeting.
I enjoy treating my guests and I would like to think that they enjoy treating me at times too. That's simply how it works with most of the people in my circle. There are exceptions though. Sometimes "dutch" is suggested to me (someone I don't know well, usually) and I go along with it. No big deal to me, it's just not my style personally, but if it makes the other person more comfortable, so be it. Also, when my husband and I go out with our friends, the men will sometimes fake-fight over the bill briefly until finally one of them backs down, fake-reluctantly. Coincidentally, it's always the guest who backs down and it's always the host who "wins" (or in your opinion the one who is "punished" LOL). It's a funny dance men do that doesn't happen with my female friends. I think it's a guy thing. *shrug*
I prefer to invite and pay rather than going dutch because there's no worrying about whether or not my friend can afford to eat where I might want to take them. I wouldn't suggest my favorite $$$$ foodie places if I thought the bill was going to be split. I like to splurge/spoil my friends. It's fun. There's no need to show my guest the bill or discuss money at all which I find much more pleasant than hunching over the tab with another person and discussing who had what and how many drinks and at what price. Seems like a cold, anti-climatic way to end and otherwise nice time spent with a friend. Paying the whole tab for my guests makes for a more enjoyable and care-free experience for everyone, in my opinion. Just my 2 cents.
Perhaps it's a cultural difference, or perhaps an age difference. Maybe both.
Last edited by Butterflyfish; 10-20-2016 at 11:17 PM..
oh-eve, I presumed that DubbleT was responding to this comment of yours:
"How does that work anyway? If I want to hang out with a friend, I get punished with the whole bill if I am the first one to suggest to go to a restaurant? So if I am always the one suggesting to meet, I am always the one who should pay?? That doesn't make sense. "
I had the same thought as DoubleT. If my so-called friends never reciprocated invitations, I would eventually stop considering them as friends, unless they were going through a temporary hardship, in which case I wouldn't mind if the invitations were lopsided.
I also thought it was interesting that you think paying the tab when you invite someone out as being "punished". That really surprised me and even made me chuckle, because I would never think of it like that at all. If I thought of paying for a friend (whom I invited out) as punishment, I wouldn't have invited them in the first place!
When I invite people out, I treat them. And when they invite me out, they treat me. This is across the board, no matter if they are platonic friends, dates, family members, or even if it's a business meeting.
I enjoy treating my guests and I would like to think that they enjoy treating me at times too. That's simply how it works with most of the people in my circle. There are exceptions though. Sometimes "dutch" is suggested to me (someone I don't know well, usually) and I go along with it. No big deal to me, it's just not my style personally, but if it makes the other person more comfortable, so be it. Also, when my husband and I go out with our friends, the men will sometimes fake-fight over the bill briefly until finally one of them backs down, fake-reluctantly. Coincidentally, it's always the guest who backs down and it's always the host who "wins" (or in your opinion the one who is "punished" LOL). It's a funny dance men do that doesn't happen with my female friends. I think it's a guy thing. *shrug*
I prefer to invite and pay rather than going dutch because there's no worrying about whether or not my friend can afford to eat where I might want to take them. I wouldn't suggest my favorite $$$$ foodie places if I thought the bill was going to be split. I like to splurge/spoil my friends. It's fun. There's no need to show my guest the bill or discuss money at all which I find much more pleasant than hunching over the tab with another person and discussing who had what and how many drinks and at what price. Seems like a cold, anti-climatic way to end and otherwise nice time spent with a friend. Paying the whole tab for my guests makes for a more enjoyable and care-free experience for everyone, in my opinion. Just my 2 cents.
Perhaps it's a cultural difference, or perhaps an age difference. Maybe both.
if I say to a friend, come on, let's meet - neither of us assumes that I pay. If so, I would say "let's go out, I will pay." The same with my bf - he often says "I am hungry, you wanna go eat?" and neither of us assumes, it is him paying just because he brought up being hungry first. He is hungry all the time, so that means he has to hide it or always pay? Doesn't make sense.
He is hungry all the time, so that means he has to hide it or always pay? Doesn't make sense.
So knowing that he is frequently hungry do you never say "hey are you hungry? Do you want to grab a bite?" treat him? Reciprocate by exchanging invites, not by always being the one who is invited or doing the invites, and then getting all caught up in the bookkeeping aspect of it.
I don't care if you (general you) always offer to pay, if I'm the one always doing the inviting, and you never invite in return, the invitations will stop because it appears you aren't as interested in the relationship as I am.
So knowing that he is frequently hungry do you never say "hey are you hungry? Do you want to grab a bite?" treat him? Reciprocate by exchanging invites, not by always being the one who is invited or doing the invites, and then getting all caught up in the bookkeeping aspect of it.
I don't care if you (general you) always offer to pay, if I'm the one always doing the inviting, and you never invite in return, the invitations will stop because it appears you aren't as interested in the relationship as I am.
heyhey now, let's not turn this around. :0
We never split the bill. Either he pays or I pay. I pay just as often as he does. Usually I cook though.
And I sometimes say "lets go eat" but neither of us assumes that I will pay. It is unclear until the bill gets presented and then one of us says "I'll pay."
We have fights about a lot of things but money isn't one of them.
if I say to a friend, come on, let's meet - neither of us assumes that I pay. If so, I would say "let's go out, I will pay." The same with my bf - he often says "I am hungry, you wanna go eat?" and neither of us assumes,it is him paying just because he brought up being hungry first. He is hungry all the time, so that means he has to hide it or always pay? Doesn't make sense.
LOL@ "he has to hide it, or always pay". It's fun to picture
Ironically, now that I'm spending less she is over more and more, I've seen her everyday for the past 18 days, and half of those dates were sleepovers. I need to watch the clock, because two times this week I came back into the office after lunch later that I wanted to, she "forced" me to stay and finish
She now cleans my house regularly and finds us relatively inexpensive events for us to do.
Last edited by Mighty_Pelican; 10-21-2016 at 10:43 AM..
For a potential trip to another city for Halloween, I'm going to suggest splitting airbnb accommodations, I make the reservations for 2 nights and she gives me the money for 1 of the nights. We'll see what happens!
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