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The only positive thing you have said about her is that she's very sweet.
That sweetness will wear out real quick once you get into the nitty gritty of everyday life with someone with her conditions.
Not everybody is cut out to be a helpmate to someone who is physically/medically handicapped. Not to be crude but can you even have sex with her? If no, that's going to get old real quick, unless you have no interest in such things.
You don't seem to have any real enthusiasm for her so what's the point? Maybe just concentrate on friendship instead of dating.
The only positive thing you have said about her is that she's very sweet.
That sweetness will wear out real quick once you get into the nitty gritty of everyday life with someone with her conditions.
Not everybody is cut out to be a helpmate to someone who is physically/medically handicapped. Not to be crude but can you even have sex with her? If no, that's going to get old real quick, unless you have no interest in such things.
You don't seem to have any real enthusiasm for her so what's the point? Maybe just concentrate on friendship instead of dating.
I'm also worried about that.
She said she was with the same guy off and on for the past six years. Obviously he's been there through the illness at least some. She dumped him. He was a truck driver and supposedly didn't have enough time for her.
I'm worried about the sexual aspect. She says it won't be a problem, but for someone that is basically immobile, who knows. She has full control of her legs. I don't know how bad her hips are, but I think she could stand and rise with enough physical therapy. I think she could do better. She just doesn't seem to try - not like I would anyway.
I told her that we're not going anywhere tomorrow night until I take her to the school lot and she shows me that she can drive. If she won't drive, no date and she's going back home. If she wants a date, she's driving me tomorrow. We live in a small metro with virtually no traffic. There is nothing to fear there.
I went out with a girl I met on Tinder a few times in the past week. Once out to eat, the other time she just wanted to go riding around and overlook the lake at the dam. We've clicked better than anyone I've been out with in a year and a half of being back here. I'm 31 and she's 22, but has a lot of health issues. She didn't tell me about the health issues until the day I was going to pick her up. I barely recognized her dating profile pics (current) against her most of her Facebook pics from when she was healthy. She's still "cute," but she was a knockout when she was healthy.
She was diagnosed with lupus a little over two years ago, and it's really taken a toll. The steroids she's been on for the lupus have caused osteoporosis, and she's possibly due for a double (!) hip replacement. She's not been able to walk for about eight months and is on a combination of crutches and a wheelchair. I have to get the wheelchair in and out of the car, but once she's in it, she can get around pretty well between rolling it with her hands and scooting herself along with her feet and doesn't really need assistance. She can stand with the crutches for short periods, but is better off in the wheelchair.
She's also had a stroke and is now on blood thinners. She says she gets sick easily, and is always cold, presumably from the blood thinners. There was no cognitive impairment from the stroke.
She's not been involved in physical therapy to keep her leg muscles going after the hip issues. One hip would be replaced, then the other. She can't find a local surgeon willing to take her case, but the surgeon out of Nashville thinks she'd be at least somewhat mobile with the one hip, and after the second hip replacement, would be completely mobile again after the rehab period. A former coworker of mine also has lupus, his kidneys are fried at 38, and he's on dialysis and a transplant list.
I'm trying to figure out things to do with her. She wants to be outside, so I'm trying to find places with a view or some other feature that I can easily roll a wheelchair to or drive to. She's wanting to go shopping in Charlotte, but that's a three hour ride at my pace without even stopping to go to the bathroom. I have no idea how to even handle the bathroom issue in public. We may go out to eat and a movie tomorrow night.
The lack of mobility appears to be temporary, but I just don't know about her general health. It concerns me that she's not ambulatory and not getting physical therapy to stay in shape as best she can. She's extremely sweet - always sending me sweet texts, she sent flowers to my condo last week, always telling me good night, good luck with things, etc. I really like her, but I've never dated anyone with significant health issues.
How would you try to proceed here?
Bad genetics.
What's your end goal here? Hopefully not marriage and children, lest your children be equally crippled.
What's your end goal here? Hopefully not marriage and children, lest your children be equally crippled.
I can't dispute that. She's as fragile as newly minted glass, and I'm ten years older with many more miles and no bodily damage at all.
Even if she gets the hips replaced, I don't think she'll ever be able to keep up with me physically. I am heavy, but am an avid hiker, biker, and I still wrestle and box coming off my high school wrestling years.
I'm very physically active and strong. She hasn't showed me she wants to try. That's my pet peeve here.
For her sake, you should probably stop seeing her. It sounds like she is really susceptible to being manipulated and after a just a couple of meetings you seem to have decided what's best for her.
I told her that we're not going anywhere tomorrow night until I take her to the school lot and she shows me that she can drive. If she won't drive, no date and she's going back home. If she wants a date, she's driving me tomorrow. We live in a small metro with virtually no traffic. There is nothing to fear there.
Why are you giving her this ultimatum?
I'm not sure why you think she should prove this to you. Either you like her as she is or you don't. You aren't her father, and you shouldn't try to act like it. You're just dating to see if you care for each other and have things in common.
It doesn't sound like you do. So ... keep looking.
If she is not being honest with people on Tinder about her life situation, that's on her.
Unfortunately, Lupus is a lifelong disease with no cure. It will require strong medications and frequent intervention to manage a wide range of symptoms. Her life will continue to be a series of ups and downs.
She’s only 22 and in bad shape. I’m sorry for both of you. Things will not improve in the long run.
I talked to her grandmother some the other day. She's also a whiner. My grandfather is just three years older than her grandma, a lifelong alcoholic, and had a double knee replacement within a month, and within weeks of that, was walking with no assistance at all. Within a couple of months, he was loading fridges into his truck by himself.
I don't expect her to be that tough, but I think the whining/helplessness runs in the family.
Lupus is an autoimmune disease that causes a wide variety of symptoms, some of which are very painful. Being an alcoholic does not cause your body to attack itself like lupus does, so I don’t think you can compare her grandfather’s situation to her situation. I have met people who are pretty active with lupus and others who say that they have trouble going up one or two stairs with it. However, it’s completely unrealistic to expect her to have the same abilities as a healthy person on a day-to-day basis. If she needs hip replacements already and she is only 22, she has a very severe form of the disease. You don’t get hip replacements at age 22 because you are a “whiner”- you only get them because they are seriously damaged. Most doctors are pretty reluctant to give people that age joint replacements.
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