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It's a shame that there is no such thing as a transportation service that will answer a call to pick you up and drop you off places in exchange for legal tender.
She is a Vanderbilt graduate. I am shocked that she has no idea how to handle a problem like this.
I provided a link to free cell phone service. I am not even the equivalent to a Vanderbilt graduate.
A 'sweet' as she is I think her basic needs go more toward rising above the family attitudes that have been influencing her
Part of the problem is that she's at her mom's mercy now on the transportation. Keep in mind she's only been in the wheelchair about six months. Before that, she was getting herself to all of her own appointments. She manages her own bills, best as she can now. We did get some stares last night because she prefers to scoot herself along with her feet in the chair rather than be pushed.
Regarding the bills, I don't know if I could ever marry into that. She's only had one credit card, but the medical bills are obviously piling up and getting charged off. My credit score is in the low 800s. I don't want to get financially entangled in a bunch of medical debt that wasn't mine and wasn't run up during the course of a marriage.
They were able to get an appointment with the surgeon within two weeks. She's apparently going to have to stay on her mom to not cancel out, as utterly ridiculous as that seems.
If she's no closer to getting surgery six months from now, that's a different conversation.
Just FYI, no spouse is ever legally responsible for debt accrued before the marriage. But the medical bills will never end, and once she’s 26, if the ACA is allowed to die, she will never get affordable insurance again with her pre-existing issues.
I can only say this...you'd better just totally love her, not just 'like her a lot' to get further involved in her...and your...life.
A situation like this demands more than just being a (genuinely) nice guy.
Otherwise, it's going to be hurtful to both of you,just in different ways.
It's a shame that there is no such thing as a transportation service that will answer a call to pick you up and drop you off places in exchange for legal tender.
Why hasn't someone invented that yet?
Great comment. Even very tiny towns have some type of taxi service or Uber/Lyft drivers.
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
If she is worried about her mom cancelling her appointment, she needs to tell the medical office that her mother is not permitted to make or break appointments in her name, or she will sue them for HIPAA privacy violation. She is a Vanderbilt graduate. I am shocked that she has no idea how to handle a problem like this.
Since she is mentally competent I can't believe that the doctor's office cancelled her appointment without talking to her directly.
My husband was not mentally competent (dementia & a traumatic brain injury) and I was his activated health Power of Attorney and it was surprising how often I had trouble getting a medical or insurance office to talk to me and not insist on talking to my husband and getting his permission to talk to me. I sometimes wondered what would happen if he was in a coma or lost his ability to speak. Would they still demand to speak to him first and get his permission for them to talk to me?
I can only say this...you'd better just totally love her, not just 'like her a lot' to get further involved in her...and your...life.
A situation like this demands more than just being a (genuinely) nice guy.
Otherwise, it's going to be hurtful to both of you,just in different ways.
I agree. Do not just casually date this girl, she is much more vulnerable than other girls her age and going to get attached. if you already know you don't want her long term I'd be very sure to let her know this and don't sleep with her.
Great comment. Even very tiny towns have some type of taxi service or Uber/Lyft drivers.
Since she is mentally competent I can't believe that the doctor's office cancelled her appointment without talking to her directly.
My husband was not mentally competent (dementia & a traumatic brain injury) and I was his activated health Power of Attorney and it was surprising how often I had trouble getting a medical or insurance office to talk to me and not insist on talking to my husband and getting his permission to talk to me. I sometimes wondered what would happen if he was in a coma or lost his ability to speak. Would they still demand to speak to him first and get his permission for them to talk to me?
OP already said she doesn't have a smart phone, and I highly doubt she has any sort of credit card for Uber or Lyft (and they may not want to deal with unloading and loading a wheelchair...my bff drives for both, she's a 55 year old woman) Regular cabs are $$$ and unpredictable re: time. She can't take a regular bus because she probably can't climb the steps, but most towns have specialized public transport for people who are disabled. She needs to apply and sign up for this though, and may not know about it at 22.
I want to say though, cancelling a doctor's appointment is not a HIPAA violation. No one is sharing protected information, they're simply making a call and saying "Sandra can't make it in today". If Mom asked what the appointment was for, and the receptionist told her, THAT would be a HIPAA violation. Even that though I'm not sure about in this case, since OP is on her parents insurance as a dependent. Mom gets the bills and the invoices regardless.
OP already said she doesn't have a smart phone, and I highly doubt she has any sort of credit card for Uber or Lyft (and they may not want to deal with unloading and loading a wheelchair...my bff drives for both, she's a 55 year old woman) Regular cabs are $$$ and unpredictable re: time. She can't take a regular bus because she probably can't climb the steps, but most towns have specialized public transport for people who are disabled. She needs to apply and sign up for this though, and may not know about it at 22.
I want to say though, cancelling a doctor's appointment is not a HIPAA violation. No one is sharing protected information, they're simply making a call and saying "Sandra can't make it in today". If Mom asked what the appointment was for, and the receptionist told her, THAT would be a HIPAA violation. Even that though I'm not sure about in this case, since OP is on her parents insurance as a dependent. Mom gets the bills and the invoices regardless.
She's 22, was a student ready to graduate from Vanderbilt, had a career until a year ago, and you believe she doesn't have a credit or debit card? OP confirms she has an income.
Also, every taxi company has handicapped accessible vehicles.
And yes, a patient can instruct their physicians not to allow anyone to schedule, reschedule, or cancel appointments for them. HIPAA is vague on this, but the threat of a lawsuit would certainly give them pause.
Why are you defending this abusive situation? Surely you don't condone what these parents are doing.'
I went over there last night and I'm not sure exactly what to think other than I feel really sorry for her, am thankful for my good health, and it was one of the most pitiful things I've ever seen.
Her dad greeted me at the door, shook hands, exchanged pleasantries. Grandma offered me some spaghetti. They all took their spaghetti to the couch and ate. She didn't feel like eating. Dad drinks and there were liquor bottles everywhere. I drink too, but you're not going to see beer bottles laying around, especially if someone is coming over. They didn't seem at all interested in talking to me of her. I just thought it was odd that if your sick daughter has company over and you're cooking dinner, that you don't eat at the table and try to make conversation. She said that's how they always do things and that her friends come by a lot. Maybe it's just a parade of people coming in, but I thought it was peculiar. Mom still works full time. Dad works full time, and has other jobs umpiring kids' baseball games and working with local law enforcement. He doesn't seem to be around much.
She wanted me to come back to her bedroom and watch TV. She was complaining about how cold she was, but she has a sheet on the very uncomfortable bed, and one thin blanket that's more of a "sit in the chair and cover my legs" type of blanket than a bed blanket. No second sheet and no comforter. She texted me this morning that she didn't sleep well, but I couldn't sleep in that either and I'd be freezing cold too. She grew up in Florida, hates the cold, and it's unseasonably cold here now. It was 25 with an inch of snow or so this morning. I can't remember the last time it snowed her in March.
She says they rarely take her out except to doctor's appointments and such. Her mom and dad go out every Friday night for date nights, but never let her come along. She seems to be excluded from everything and they treat her like a baby or someone who is mentally incapacitated.
The house was messy. Not hoarder hell, but messy. I saw two dogs and four cats. Dirty dishes all over the kitchen. It didn't look like it had been vacuumed in months. I grew up in a five cat household. You have to be vigilant on cleaning with that many animals to keep things from going to pieces.
She's furious with her mom with canceling the appointment today. She really needs that appointment, and to get the ball rolling on the hip replacement. If she gets that done and some physical therapy, she will have some quality of life back. It was mom's choice to cancel the appointment, not hers.
Her phone broke the last time she was in the hospital, and no one has replaced her phone. She's texting me off of a texting app on a Kindle. Her parents never replaced it. I know money may be tight, but you can get a simple Straight Talk phone at Walmart for not much money. She said that her parents told her "there are too many people on their cell phone plan to add her." They have three people on the plan - mom, dad, grandma. I have three. My uncle has eight. Why would you leave her without a proper phone? She's in bad health! That struck me as odd too...The positives.
1) I don't necessarily know what I was expecting, but she is more mobile on the crutches than I thought. The last time I came to pick her up, she seemed to be in terrible pain. Yesterday, she got up pretty well. I guess it comes and goes. Now that I think about it, there's no reason to even drive into the yard to the front door to load her into the car. You could place the wheelchair in the foyer, roll it out the front door, and roll her down the sidewalk to the driveway.
She can get up and go to the restroom fine, and can shower herself on a shower bench. She just doesn't use them normally - she kind of just uses them to hold her weight up, puts one foot in front of the other, and essentially "slow walks" with them. She moved her hip a certain way and it was an awful bone rubbing on bone sound. She's able to sit on the bed, get upright, etc., fine.
If she wants to go to the mall or something, she said she can get to the bathroom and such on her own. She is not going to run marathons, but she can get into a car seat fine, get out of the car fine under her own power. It is not going to be nearly as limiting as I thought.
2) She's very appreciative of little things. She was thrilled that I held her, rubbed back and shoulders, etc. There was a plastic storage bin under her bed with an old phone that worked. She asked me if I could lift it (she can't) and put it on her bed for her to sort through (it was maybe fifteen pounds). I got the phone working for her. I'm giving her one of my iPads and old Apple TVs the next time I see her. That'll at least let her communicate and surf the web better, and give her more to watch. She can Facetime and iMessage anyone with an Apple device with no plan and for free as long as she has internet access.
She was thrilled just to lay her head on my shoulder and let me hold her, telling me how much she likes me. She texted me to have a good day at work, and posted last night on Facebook that her night was made. She seems sincere.
3) She went to Vanderbilt after high school. Vanderbilt is a very tough school to get into. She's obviously smart enough to manage her own affairs. She said grandma treats her like she's retarded and mom does things her way. It's obvious she feels powerless over her life now. She just moved back in with her parents in the fall once she busted up with her boyfriend. He was a truck driver and never around, so it seems like she can take care of herself, at least to a point, on her own, even in her current condition.
4) She's very crafty. She has probably a dozen very pretty painted birdhouses, and other painted items. Artsy stuff isn't my wheelhouse, but we have some places around here where you can paint pottery and other things and keep the items. I asked her if she wants to do something like that for a date, but look around and let me know. I'm going to look up craft fairs and such to see if there's anything she might be interested in.
I'm still trying to think of things to do to get her out of the house and for dates. I wanted to go to brunch Sunday at a restaurant downtown, but there's no nearby parking. Walking a quarter to a half mile doesn't bother me, but I don't even think about things like that when doing something.
I think a lot of the problem is that the family seems to put her on the back-burner and do not involve her in things. Why didn't they talk to me last night? Far as I could tell, they didn't offer her a plate. Why would you not replace your sick daughter's phone? They don't seem to be in that dire of straits financially. Why won't they at least take her places to cheer her up and help get rid of cabin fever? She seems very depressed and the least little thing helps her out.
She mentioned wanting to go to Bonefish Grill tonight. If she feels up to it, I'll take her. I'm still interested in her. I'm going to give it a few more dates at least and see how it goes.
Seriousconversations,
From what you've posted about her, I'd say that you're right to STILL BE INTERESTED IN HER! She sounds like a person who will bring a lot of joy to you in a relationship as you discover what really matters in life and you seem to do the same for her. Keep pursuing the friendship which may well turn into a relationship. There are thousands of people who meet abled-bodied people with all of the outward trinkets of what supposedly makes a good relationship partner: right body, right looks, innumerable selfies of them looking sexy/cut, extroverted, and so forth. Yet, for all their posturing they've never experienced the depth of really connecting with another person as you have with this young lady. Don't let her go.
Forget what the selfish posters here are telling you, especially selfish male posters have unfortunately been socialized by their upbringing and social media to put their physical desires and needs at the forefront of everything else in life. These types look at every potential mate primarily for how she can satisfy them not for the reciprocal sharing, self-discipline, and self-sacrifice that is needed by two people in a relationship. Life happens, people get sick, physical or mental ailments happen, she has nothing to do with the dynamics of her parents relationship or how they conduct themselves. Family members can be weird but so what, none of us choose our birth families. There are some things in life beyond our control. In those cases, all we can do is make the best of what we're faced with which sounds like what you're new friend is doing. None of the less-than-perfect-life issues mean that the person (her in this case) for whom it happens can't give and receive a loving relationship. Best wishes to you both.
Let's say she miraculously heals. What will happen to your relationship then?
Won't she kick you to the curb?
Let's say the person you're with as far as relationship or marriage miraculously gets sick. What will happen to your relationship then? Won't you bail out on them?
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I agree with codergirl on this
