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I went out with a girl I met on Tinder a few times in the past week. Once out to eat, the other time she just wanted to go riding around and overlook the lake at the dam. We've clicked better than anyone I've been out with in a year and a half of being back here. I'm 31 and she's 22, but has a lot of health issues. She didn't tell me about the health issues until the day I was going to pick her up. I barely recognized her dating profile pics (current) against her most of her Facebook pics from when she was healthy. She's still "cute," but she was a knockout when she was healthy.
She was diagnosed with lupus a little over two years ago, and it's really taken a toll. The steroids she's been on for the lupus have caused osteoporosis, and she's possibly due for a double (!) hip replacement. She's not been able to walk for about eight months and is on a combination of crutches and a wheelchair. I have to get the wheelchair in and out of the car, but once she's in it, she can get around pretty well between rolling it with her hands and scooting herself along with her feet and doesn't really need assistance. She can stand with the crutches for short periods, but is better off in the wheelchair.
She's also had a stroke and is now on blood thinners. She says she gets sick easily, and is always cold, presumably from the blood thinners. There was no cognitive impairment from the stroke.
She's not been involved in physical therapy to keep her leg muscles going after the hip issues. One hip would be replaced, then the other. She can't find a local surgeon willing to take her case, but the surgeon out of Nashville thinks she'd be at least somewhat mobile with the one hip, and after the second hip replacement, would be completely mobile again after the rehab period. A former coworker of mine also has lupus, his kidneys are fried at 38, and he's on dialysis and a transplant list.
I'm trying to figure out things to do with her. She wants to be outside, so I'm trying to find places with a view or some other feature that I can easily roll a wheelchair to or drive to. She's wanting to go shopping in Charlotte, but that's a three hour ride at my pace without even stopping to go to the bathroom. I have no idea how to even handle the bathroom issue in public. We may go out to eat and a movie tomorrow night.
The lack of mobility appears to be temporary, but I just don't know about her general health. It concerns me that she's not ambulatory and not getting physical therapy to stay in shape as best she can. She's extremely sweet - always sending me sweet texts, she sent flowers to my condo last week, always telling me good night, good luck with things, etc. I really like her, but I've never dated anyone with significant health issues.
How would you try to proceed here?
That's a hard one.
My impulse would be to continue the relationship and see where it goes. But I can see how some would walk away, and I can't blame them a bit.
I went out with a girl I met on Tinder a few times in the past week. Once out to eat, the other time she just wanted to go riding around and overlook the lake at the dam. We've clicked better than anyone I've been out with in a year and a half of being back here. I'm 31 and she's 22, but has a lot of health issues. She didn't tell me about the health issues until the day I was going to pick her up. I barely recognized her dating profile pics (current) against her most of her Facebook pics from when she was healthy. She's still "cute," but she was a knockout when she was healthy.
She was diagnosed with lupus a little over two years ago, and it's really taken a toll. The steroids she's been on for the lupus have caused osteoporosis, and she's possibly due for a double (!) hip replacement. She's not been able to walk for about eight months and is on a combination of crutches and a wheelchair. I have to get the wheelchair in and out of the car, but once she's in it, she can get around pretty well between rolling it with her hands and scooting herself along with her feet and doesn't really need assistance. She can stand with the crutches for short periods, but is better off in the wheelchair.
She's also had a stroke and is now on blood thinners. She says she gets sick easily, and is always cold, presumably from the blood thinners. There was no cognitive impairment from the stroke.
She's not been involved in physical therapy to keep her leg muscles going after the hip issues. One hip would be replaced, then the other. She can't find a local surgeon willing to take her case, but the surgeon out of Nashville thinks she'd be at least somewhat mobile with the one hip, and after the second hip replacement, would be completely mobile again after the rehab period. A former coworker of mine also has lupus, his kidneys are fried at 38, and he's on dialysis and a transplant list.
I'm trying to figure out things to do with her. She wants to be outside, so I'm trying to find places with a view or some other feature that I can easily roll a wheelchair to or drive to. She's wanting to go shopping in Charlotte, but that's a three hour ride at my pace without even stopping to go to the bathroom. I have no idea how to even handle the bathroom issue in public. We may go out to eat and a movie tomorrow night.
The lack of mobility appears to be temporary, but I just don't know about her general health. It concerns me that she's not ambulatory and not getting physical therapy to stay in shape as best she can. She's extremely sweet - always sending me sweet texts, she sent flowers to my condo last week, always telling me good night, good luck with things, etc. I really like her, but I've never dated anyone with significant health issues.
How would you try to proceed here?
I have 3 of the issues that she has and I have not seen the woman I was going out with since December. I am not sure if she met someone else but I know that I want to be done with physical therapy when I see her again. So I have put myself on a dating hiatus for now and still stay in contact with her by phone and text until I get better. So that woman you are talking about should be doing the same thing.
I have 3 of the issues that she has and I have not seen the woman I was going out with since December. I am not sure if she met someone else but I know that I want to be done with physical therapy when I see her again. So I have put myself on a dating hiatus for now and still stay in contact with her by phone and text until I get better. So that woman you are talking about should be doing the same thing.
We were out most of the day yesterday from about 1-7 doing various things. We went to Target, Walmart, Kohl's, Publix, a park, and out to eat. She wanted to keep going, so we did. We had a good time, but it gets exhausting loading and unloading that wheelchair. She was pretty tired when we got back. She ended up staying at my condo last night with her parents out of town, but we didn't do anything. She slept well. I made breakfast then took her home. I have a first floor bedroom, so it's much easier than the split foyer she lives in. She had no problems getting to the bathroom on her own. I brought an outdoor folding chair in the shower for her. I'll need to get a shower bench.
She's making me something for Easter. It's something to do with candy. She had very specific amounts of candy and other things she wanted. I have no idea what she's planning.
I like her more than any other woman I've dated since I've been back. Still, things like common places I like to eat can be just amazingly difficult to get a wheelchair into. We went to a BBQ restaurant in a historic part of downtown. The "handicapped entrance" was the side door. Street parking on a hill with a wheelchair isn't advisable. I had to go somewhere else. I don't think most of us able-bodied people have any clue what it's like someone in a chair.
With all that said, I still think she's worth being with.
It's clear you are already thinking about her as your girlfriend and making long-term plans. I do have very serious concerns about her family and their capacity to pounce on you as a provider ... for all of them.
I also have "savior" red flags flying.
But I am glad you are having fun, and **bonus** learning about what it's like to live with a disability.
It's clear you are already thinking about her as your girlfriend and making long-term plans. I do have very serious concerns about her family and their capacity to pounce on you as a provider ... for all of them.
I also have "savior" red flags flying.
But I am glad you are having fun, and **bonus** learning about what it's like to live with a disability.
I really don't what to make of the family. I have concerns about them too.
When I came over there yesterday, it was around noon, and just her and grandma. Parents went to Gatlinburg for the weekend. She has a 2005 Civic. No one is driving it - her dad isn't even firing it up and driving it to the grocery store one day a week. It's sat for several months. I'm going to take my air compressor and tire pressure gauge the next time I go over there just to check to see if the tires are inflated enough to drive.
Grandma says her car is a "piece of s**t" to her face. Grandma is perfectly capable of walking and getting around. She doesn't drive. She doesn't help with getting groceries, anything. She's been like that since they moved from Florida in 2005/2006. Grandma was only in her late 60s then. GF says grandma can drive. Grandma has nothing positive to say at all. I can barely tolerate her negativity.
Hope it works for you. Seems to be an uneven relationship- after all your angst of being able to find an equal financial partner and move to a more lucrative area soon. Not to be stuck in Appalachia-now you have a reason/excuse to stay-
I really don't what to make of the family. I have concerns about them too.
When I came over there yesterday, it was around noon, and just her and grandma. Parents went to Gatlinburg for the weekend. She has a 2005 Civic. No one is driving it - her dad isn't even firing it up and driving it to the grocery store one day a week. It's sat for several months. I'm going to take my air compressor and tire pressure gauge the next time I go over there just to check to see if the tires are inflated enough to drive.
Grandma says her car is a "piece of s**t" to her face. Grandma is perfectly capable of walking and getting around. She doesn't drive. She doesn't help with getting groceries, anything. She's been like that since they moved from Florida in 2005/2006. Grandma was only in her late 60s then. GF says grandma can drive. Grandma has nothing positive to say at all. I can barely tolerate her negativity.
Good luck to you.
You are noble. I think it is a bit unhealthy, since you are now also trying to rescue the rest of the family.
But if this is, what you want, go ahead. Good for them. The world would be a better place if everyone would be so selfless.
Hope it works for you. Seems to be an uneven relationship- after all your angst of being able to find an equal financial partner and move to a more lucrative area soon. Not to be stuck in Appalachia-now you have a reason/excuse to stay-
I’ve followed you too long.
We're just going to have to see how things go. I told her right from the outset that I don't want to remain in this area on a permanent basis. She is from near Tampa and still has family there. I've always wanted to move to Florida, and have spent quite a bit of time in Tampa.
There's some stuff going on in my personal life that will shake out over the next several weeks. That's going to partly determine when I can leave here. We are also looking at some changes at work that will take effect over the next few months, and how that shakes out is also going to play a part in my timetable. Even in a "worst case scenario," the odds of me being here in the Tri-Cities at the start of 2020 are slim. If I worked in Johnson City and not in Kingsport, I don't think I would be so down on the area. I'm trying to get a transfer to Johnson City. If I can stay here until next year, I should be able to move completely debt-free and with a sizable fund to get started.
I'll be 32 in a month. I've moved between TN and the Midwest several times, but only one move was because I really wanted to move. The other times have been out of economic necessity. I want the next move to be a place I want to go to, and for it to be a viable place to live job-wise for five to ten years.
The biggest priority for her is to get her hips fixed, get back to walking, and having some level of independence. Sure, she's still going to have bad days and issues, but things will improve if she's mobile. I'm just concerned that the longer it takes to get her hips fixed and the longer she remains in the wheelchair, that the odds of her health substantially deteriorating increase dramatically.
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