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I went out with a girl I met on Tinder a few times in the past week. Once out to eat, the other time she just wanted to go riding around and overlook the lake at the dam. We've clicked better than anyone I've been out with in a year and a half of being back here. I'm 31 and she's 22, but has a lot of health issues. She didn't tell me about the health issues until the day I was going to pick her up. I barely recognized her dating profile pics (current) against her most of her Facebook pics from when she was healthy. She's still "cute," but she was a knockout when she was healthy.
She was diagnosed with lupus a little over two years ago, and it's really taken a toll. The steroids she's been on for the lupus have caused osteoporosis, and she's possibly due for a double (!) hip replacement. She's not been able to walk for about eight months and is on a combination of crutches and a wheelchair. I have to get the wheelchair in and out of the car, but once she's in it, she can get around pretty well between rolling it with her hands and scooting herself along with her feet and doesn't really need assistance. She can stand with the crutches for short periods, but is better off in the wheelchair.
She's also had a stroke and is now on blood thinners. She says she gets sick easily, and is always cold, presumably from the blood thinners. There was no cognitive impairment from the stroke.
She's not been involved in physical therapy to keep her leg muscles going after the hip issues. One hip would be replaced, then the other. She can't find a local surgeon willing to take her case, but the surgeon out of Nashville thinks she'd be at least somewhat mobile with the one hip, and after the second hip replacement, would be completely mobile again after the rehab period. A former coworker of mine also has lupus, his kidneys are fried at 38, and he's on dialysis and a transplant list.
I'm trying to figure out things to do with her. She wants to be outside, so I'm trying to find places with a view or some other feature that I can easily roll a wheelchair to or drive to. She's wanting to go shopping in Charlotte, but that's a three hour ride at my pace without even stopping to go to the bathroom. I have no idea how to even handle the bathroom issue in public. We may go out to eat and a movie tomorrow night.
The lack of mobility appears to be temporary, but I just don't know about her general health. It concerns me that she's not ambulatory and not getting physical therapy to stay in shape as best she can. She's extremely sweet - always sending me sweet texts, she sent flowers to my condo last week, always telling me good night, good luck with things, etc. I really like her, but I've never dated anyone with significant health issues.
I went out with a girl I met on Tinder a few times in the past week. Once out to eat, the other time she just wanted to go riding around and overlook the lake at the dam. We've clicked better than anyone I've been out with in a year and a half of being back here. I'm 31 and she's 22, but has a lot of health issues. She didn't tell me about the health issues until the day I was going to pick her up. I barely recognized her dating profile pics (current) against her most of her Facebook pics from when she was healthy. She's still "cute," but she was a knockout when she was healthy.
She was diagnosed with lupus a little over two years ago, and it's really taken a toll. The steroids she's been on for the lupus have caused osteoporosis, and she's possibly due for a double (!) hip replacement. She's not been able to walk for about eight months and is on a combination of crutches and a wheelchair. I have to get the wheelchair in and out of the car, but once she's in it, she can get around pretty well between rolling it with her hands and scooting herself along with her feet and doesn't really need assistance. She can stand with the crutches for short periods, but is better off in the wheelchair.
She's also had a stroke and is now on blood thinners. She says she gets sick easily, and is always cold, presumably from the blood thinners. There was no cognitive impairment from the stroke.
She's not been involved in physical therapy to keep her leg muscles going after the hip issues. One hip would be replaced, then the other. She can't find a local surgeon willing to take her case, but the surgeon out of Nashville thinks she'd be at least somewhat mobile with the one hip, and after the second hip replacement, would be completely mobile again after the rehab period. A former coworker of mine also has lupus, his kidneys are fried at 38, and he's on dialysis and a transplant list.
I'm trying to figure out things to do with her. She wants to be outside, so I'm trying to find places with a view or some other feature that I can easily roll a wheelchair to or drive to. She's wanting to go shopping in Charlotte, but that's a three hour ride at my pace without even stopping to go to the bathroom. I have no idea how to even handle the bathroom issue in public. We may go out to eat and a movie tomorrow night.
The lack of mobility appears to be temporary, but I just don't know about her general health. It concerns me that she's not ambulatory and not getting physical therapy to stay in shape as best she can. She's extremely sweet - always sending me sweet texts, she sent flowers to my condo last week, always telling me good night, good luck with things, etc. I really like her, but I've never dated anyone with significant health issues.
How would you try to proceed here?
It all depends on how you feel about her.
Is her personality so in tune with yours that you could be her lover and caregiver for life?
Or
Do you have no other chance of a relationship with a woman and this is your only option?
Is her personality so in tune with yours that you could be her lover and caregiver for life?
Or
Do you have no other chance of a relationship with a woman and this is your only option?
In either case, go for it.
I'm in the middle.
I really like her. She's been sweeter than anyone I've dated in a long time. I've only been out with her a few times. It's way too quick to being looking at a lifelong assessment. I haven't dated anyone in this area worth a crap. However, she could very well be on her best behavior because she's lonely, depressed, whatever.
I don't mind to help. With that said, I don't want to be a lifelong caregiver to someone nearly a decade my junior. Her health is a problem, but she just doesn't seem very tough-minded. If something gets difficult, she just wilts and wants immediate help. She doesn't seem to have much of a "screw it, I'm giving it everything I have come hell or high water" attitude.
She's retaining some water from the steroids, but is naturally very small. I'm a much larger guy. She's living with her parents and grandma. I have to pull up to the front door in the grass to come get her. I couldn't get up that far due to mud last week and she couldn't power through the twenty feet or so to the door on the crutches. Her mom and grandma couldn't get her, so I carried her into the house. They have a garage, but it is hoarded and even I could not fit myself through it.
She hasn't driven since her hips gave out last summer. If she could get into the car, I don't see why she couldn't swivel her foot enough to drive. She hasn't done any physical therapy to keep her muscles up to par. Even if she has the hips replaced, she's going to be weak as a kitten due to muscle disuse.
I'm not going to fault her, but I don't think I'd be making similar decisions. If she wants, I may take her to a local school parking lot after hours to try and get her to drive. I don't think shifting her right foot between the brake and gas and driving an automatic would be too much trouble if I help her in and out of the car.
They have a garage, but it is hoarded and even I could not fit myself through it.
...
She hasn't driven since her hips gave out last summer.
You sound like a patient person, but I'm telling you ...
If you cannot tolerate things exactly as they are right now, you should not get more involved. And even though they SAY she will gain full mobility after the surgery, combined with her other health problems, she will most likely balloon to an unmanageable weight.
I can't tell you how many times I have seen this with my own eyes.
Parks have paved paths. Zoos. A movie theater might be challenging...most public places are handicap accessible, it doesn't have be overwhelming, but...why do you have to be the one to figure out how to get around and go shopping, use the bathroom, where to take a wheelchair, etc? Shouldn't she be planning ahead, doing some research?
I would find her lack of interest in physical therapy concerning, too, what's her plan?
I'd only stick with someone who had those kinds of health problems if they were willing and able to help themself.
You sound like a patient person, but I'm telling you ...
If you cannot tolerate things exactly as they are right now, you should not get more involved. And even though they SAY she will gain full mobility after the surgery, combined with her other health problems, she will most likely balloon to an unmanageable weight.
I can't tell you how many times I have seen this with my own eyes.
That's what I'm worried about.
If she needs help on a temporary basis to get in and out of the car or something, I'm fine with that. I'm just worried this will not be temporary Once she gets going with that wheelchair, she can move fine. She was able to open the door for herself at O'Charley's last week, and wheel right on in. She had to have help getting up the hill in the parking lot, but was otherwise fine. She can scoot from the wheelchair into a booth fine.
I don't want to criticize her, but if she gets in ANY pain, she just seems to give out and cry for help. I don't know if her doctors said she shouldn't walk, or if she just gave up when there was pain. What I'm really concerned about is the lack of therapy. If a doctor told me my hips were fried, I'd still be trying my damnedest to drive. There is really no hip motion required there. I'd have someone coming out to give me physical therapy if I couldn't get to the gym. I've always been a weightlifter. I can't imagine having some diagnosis like that and not lifting weights (to the extent I can) to help keep myself mobile and strong. She hasn't done any of that.
I had a professor about ten years ago who has been diagnosed with the same brain cancer McCain has. He powers through life in a very admirable and public way, and is just tough as nails, keeping up as much of a fitness regimen as he can. In some ways, I think she quits. The lack of get up and go bothers me more than her health itself.
Parks have paved paths. Zoos. A movie theater might be challenging...most public places are handicap accessible, it doesn't have be overwhelming, but...why do you have to be the one to figure out how to get around and go shopping, use the bathroom, where to take a wheelchair, etc? Shouldn't she be planning ahead, doing some research?
I would find her lack of interest in physical therapy concerning, too, what's her plan?
I'd only stick with someone who had those kinds of health problems if they were willing and able to help themself.
Are you ready to be a caregiver?
I'm not going to be a lifelong caregiver. If she needs help to bridge between now and the hip replacements, I don't mind temporarily. Lifelong? No. Keep in mind that I'm nearly a decade older than her, but I almost never even get sniffles for more than a day or two.
The movie theater I'm thinking was built in the last two years, is enormous, and is probably handicap accessible. I can't imagine it not being.
She had no idea how to physically lock/unlock the wheelchair. I had study it for a few minutes to figure it out. She said her parents take her into Sam's and Walmart and don't even bother to lock the wheels. Someone, at some point, needs to have the damn sense to figure out the wheelchair. If she had an electric wheelchair, she'd mostly be fine.
If she wants to go out tomorrow night, the date might be in our high school's parking lot while she figures out driving again. I have zero reason to think she can't drive. Her feet are perfectly fine. She manipulates them fine. She can drive an automatic as long as I get her in and out.
The lack of get up and go bothers me more than her health itself.
That is the most important point of all of this, as you know and as Rbccl pointed out, because it speaks to her overall character and the initiative that will color ALL her interactions.
The thing is ... she is VERY young. I'm sure she is going through all kinds of emotional crap about the hand she has been dealt. And I have no doubt that part of her may see you as a knight in shining armor who can take her away from the reality of her world.
I also think that her family is going to be a huge influence on how she approaches these challenges in her life. If they also have that dependent mentality, you will be more like a hired hand in this scenario.
That is the most important point of all of this, as you know and as Rbccl pointed out, because it speaks to her overall character and the initiative that will color ALL her interactions.
The thing is ... she is VERY young. I'm sure she is going through all kinds of emotional crap about the hand she has been dealt. And I have no doubt that part of her may see you as a knight in shining armor who can take her away from the reality of her world.
I also think that her family is going to be a huge influence on how she approaches these challenges in her life. If they also have that dependent mentality, you will be more like a hired hand in this scenario.
I talked to her grandmother some the other day. She's also a whiner. My grandfather is just three years older than her grandma, a lifelong alcoholic, and had a double knee replacement within a month, and within weeks of that, was walking with no assistance at all. Within a couple of months, he was loading fridges into his truck by himself.
I don't expect her to be that tough, but I think the whining/helplessness runs in the family.
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