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OP, aren't you the bisexual guy who lives in the middle of nowhere with limited options?
If I remember correctly and that was you - then GTFO of there. Move to a bigger city, so you can explore your options better on both sides of the dating pool.
Don't stay in that town and become someones nurse or date someone plain weird (or in this case both) just because there is no one else to date. You deserve better.
That family sounds like a nightmare. Unbelievable that she has a degree from Vanderbilt.
I don't really know them. I just posted my passing impressions of them. Mom works full-time as well, and is basically being a caregiver now when her daughter was healthy just a few years back. That has to be immensely stressful.
All of them were loud and seemed to be doing their own thing, and kind of ignored her. With that said, they may have just been trying to give her space and not feel like they were butting in.
She got sick when she was 20 and had to drop out. I know she has to be depressed. A few years ago, she was healthy, in college, in a better place, looked terrific, and had the world by the tail. Having your health fall apart like this at such a young age and basically being dependent on everyone has to just totally demoralize you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BellevueNative
If you care about her, how 'bout making this a friendship instead of a romantic relationship? It sounds like she could use a friend.
That's what I'm thinking. She looked like she felt awful yesterday. She woke up about noon, texted me, and said she felt great today.
I don't think she's unattractive. Before she gained weight from the steroids, she was an 8-9/10. There's just a lot of drama until she becomes more independent again.
Last edited by Serious Conversation; 03-14-2018 at 12:08 PM..
She may not be able to afford it. When I went to PT under my top tier Blue Cross Plan, I still had to pay $50 a pop. $50 3x/week or even 2x/week is more than many can afford. If she has a several thousand dollar deductible she has to reach before insurance even starts paying, it gets really unaffordable.
Lupus is a qualification for disability and get medicare. If she have them she can afford the treatment. If she really want help she will search for anything that will help her. There are lot of medical facility or organization that give supports even when you have no insurance. It is all base on yourself.
I went over there last night and I'm not sure exactly what to think other than I feel really sorry for her, am thankful for my good health, and it was one of the most pitiful things I've ever seen.
Her dad greeted me at the door, shook hands, exchanged pleasantries. Grandma offered me some spaghetti. They all took their spaghetti to the couch and ate. She didn't feel like eating. Dad drinks and there were liquor bottles everywhere. I drink too, but you're not going to see beer bottles laying around, especially if someone is coming over. They didn't seem at all interested in talking to me of her. I just thought it was odd that if your sick daughter has company over and you're cooking dinner, that you don't eat at the table and try to make conversation. She said that's how they always do things and that her friends come by a lot. Maybe it's just a parade of people coming in, but I thought it was peculiar. Mom still works full time. Dad works full time, and has other jobs umpiring kids' baseball games and working with local law enforcement. He doesn't seem to be around much.
She wanted me to come back to her bedroom and watch TV. She was complaining about how cold she was, but she has a sheet on the very uncomfortable bed, and one thin blanket that's more of a "sit in the chair and cover my legs" type of blanket than a bed blanket. No second sheet and no comforter. She texted me this morning that she didn't sleep well, but I couldn't sleep in that either and I'd be freezing cold too. She grew up in Florida, hates the cold, and it's unseasonably cold here now. It was 25 with an inch of snow or so this morning. I can't remember the last time it snowed her in March.
She says they rarely take her out except to doctor's appointments and such. Her mom and dad go out every Friday night for date nights, but never let her come along. She seems to be excluded from everything and they treat her like a baby or someone who is mentally incapacitated.
The house was messy. Not hoarder hell, but messy. I saw two dogs and four cats. Dirty dishes all over the kitchen. It didn't look like it had been vacuumed in months. I grew up in a five cat household. You have to be vigilant on cleaning with that many animals to keep things from going to pieces.
She's furious with her mom with canceling the appointment today. She really needs that appointment, and to get the ball rolling on the hip replacement. If she gets that done and some physical therapy, she will have some quality of life back. It was mom's choice to cancel the appointment, not hers.
Her phone broke the last time she was in the hospital, and no one has replaced her phone. She's texting me off of a texting app on a Kindle. Her parents never replaced it. I know money may be tight, but you can get a simple Straight Talk phone at Walmart for not much money. She said that her parents told her "there are too many people on their cell phone plan to add her." They have three people on the plan - mom, dad, grandma. I have three. My uncle has eight. Why would you leave her without a proper phone? She's in bad health! That struck me as odd too.
FWIW, she was only diagnosed with lupus a little over a year ago, and there was about a year and a half there before the doctors even knew what they were dealing with. The coworker that has lupus said his went basically untreated for years locally. My mom has an autoimmune disorder (nowhere near as serious as these two) and is going to Knoxville now.
The positives.
1) I don't necessarily know what I was expecting, but she is more mobile on the crutches than I thought. The last time I came to pick her up, she seemed to be in terrible pain. Yesterday, she got up pretty well. I guess it comes and goes. Now that I think about it, there's no reason to even drive into the yard to the front door to load her into the car. You could place the wheelchair in the foyer, roll it out the front door, and roll her down the sidewalk to the driveway.
She can get up and go to the restroom fine, and can shower herself on a shower bench. She just doesn't use them normally - she kind of just uses them to hold her weight up, puts one foot in front of the other, and essentially "slow walks" with them. She moved her hip a certain way and it was an awful bone rubbing on bone sound. She's able to sit on the bed, get upright, etc., fine.
If she wants to go to the mall or something, she said she can get to the bathroom and such on her own. She is not going to run marathons, but she can get into a car seat fine, get out of the car fine under her own power. It is not going to be nearly as limiting as I thought.
2) She's very appreciative of little things. She was thrilled that I held her, rubbed back and shoulders, etc. There was a plastic storage bin under her bed with an old phone that worked. She asked me if I could lift it (she can't) and put it on her bed for her to sort through (it was maybe fifteen pounds). I got the phone working for her. I'm giving her one of my iPads and old Apple TVs the next time I see her. That'll at least let her communicate and surf the web better, and give her more to watch. She can Facetime and iMessage anyone with an Apple device with no plan and for free as long as she has internet access.
She was thrilled just to lay her head on my shoulder and let me hold her, telling me how much she likes me. She texted me to have a good day at work, and posted last night on Facebook that her night was made. She seems sincere.
3) She went to Vanderbilt after high school. Vanderbilt is a very tough school to get into. She's obviously smart enough to manage her own affairs. She said grandma treats her like she's retarded and mom does things her way. It's obvious she feels powerless over her life now. She just moved back in with her parents in the fall once she busted up with her boyfriend. He was a truck driver and never around, so it seems like she can take care of herself, at least to a point, on her own, even in her current condition.
4) She's very crafty. She has probably a dozen very pretty painted birdhouses, and other painted items. Artsy stuff isn't my wheelhouse, but we have some places around here where you can paint pottery and other things and keep the items. I asked her if she wants to do something like that for a date, but look around and let me know. I'm going to look up craft fairs and such to see if there's anything she might be interested in.
I'm still trying to think of things to do to get her out of the house and for dates. I wanted to go to brunch Sunday at a restaurant downtown, but there's no nearby parking. Walking a quarter to a half mile doesn't bother me, but I don't even think about things like that when doing something.
I think a lot of the problem is that the family seems to put her on the back-burner and do not involve her in things. Why didn't they talk to me last night? Far as I could tell, they didn't offer her a plate. Why would you not replace your sick daughter's phone? They don't seem to be in that dire of straits financially. Why won't they at least take her places to cheer her up and help get rid of cabin fever? She seems very depressed and the least little thing helps her out.
She mentioned wanting to go to Bonefish Grill tonight. If she feels up to it, I'll take her. I'm still interested in her. I'm going to give it a few more dates at least and see how it goes.
I just want to say my impression from your last post is that you want to "save" this girl so to speak. You can't. You are going to have a LOT on your hands should you continue. I work in rehab, and while I was dating I gave a chance to most everyone who seemed decent, I do not want to end up as a full time caregiver if I can help it. When we're old sure, if I'm in a relationship and something happens to him, of course...but if I can from early on that the person just doesn't take care of themselves, I'm not going to take that on. I had a first date with a guy who told me he had Diabetes, and sat there and watched him eat 4 rolls, pasta and dessert. No way am I dating that guy a second time, he's going to have amputations and be half blind by the time he's 60. It wasn't the diagnosis I rejected him for, it was his laissez-faire attitude about it.
I can't dispute that. She's as fragile as newly minted glass, and I'm ten years older with many more miles and no bodily damage at all.
Even if she gets the hips replaced, I don't think she'll ever be able to keep up with me physically. I am heavy, but am an avid hiker, biker, and I still wrestle and box coming off my high school wrestling years.
I'm very physically active and strong. She hasn't showed me she wants to try. That's my pet peeve here.
Look, the fact that she hasn't bothered with any PT is troubling to me. Steroids can really take a toll on a person in more ways than just osteoporosis. I had Cushing's Disease for 7 years in my late 20's and it had some long term effects. But, even though I was in really bad shape right before my brain surgery (pituitary tumor), I was still working and my job involved doing weekly physical inspections of parts of our naval base. I only missed work for 3 months during my recuperation because the pain of steroid withdrawal was excruciating and I couldn't walk without screaming. TBH, if she's not going to participate actively in her own healthcare and healing, her "sweetness" is not going to compensate enough in the long run, IMHO. There are definitely other things that will crop up healthwise in her future with the steroids.
OP, I give you credit for even considering her. A lot of guys would say "nope" and not even think about it three minutes later.
I had a friend who had lupus and she did indeed have good days and bad days; sometimes good hours and bad hours. She could be looking fairly well and be in the hospital the next day. Often, to the casual observer, she looked fine though the steroids showed themselves. Some people would wonder why she had to be hospitalized. A great deal of her disease was invisible to the uninformed eye. Unfortunately, her time ran out before she got a kidney transplant.
Something I don't think has been mentioned is that lupus causes one to have photosensitivity. My friend could not be out in the sunshine. If she was, it was with a large hat and long sleeves and pants – in the summer. In Texas. When she threw caution to the wind and stayed out too long, she paid for it with lupus flares.
You'll have to make up your own mind, of course, but I thank you for being open to and your kindness to this girl.
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