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Both Hubby and I gained weight. At first, it was just eating unhealthy (even while we were dating - you know the whole eating out routine) but after my Dad died just a year after marriage, I think for me it was depression kicking in and Hubby just went along for the ride.
I was never diagnosed with depression per say but after we moved to another state (Jan '07) we both decided to start anew. For us, it wasn't about being attracted to each other or the lack thereof, it was a matter of health.
I suggest if you want to bring this up to your husband, it really shouldn't be about "being attracted to him". Although I understand your point of view, I doubt anybody wants to hear "Hey, quit lettin' yourself go and lose a little, will ya?"
It does sound, however, that you are trying alternate ways to get him going. I don't know your situation or what you've tried thus far but have you ever told him what you told us? That you don't like "slowly killing himself"? How is his health otherwise?
Or, instead of exercising per say, maybe he can take on a sport or something?
This is a pretty touchy subject but the fact of the matter is, you can't "make" anybody lose weight. They have to want to do it either for themselves or for the people they love. Good luck to you.
What do you do when your spouse has gained a lot of weight? My H is almost 300 lbs. at 6'. He's gained ALOT of weight in the past few years. It's not due to a medical condition; it's due to overeating and not exercising (way too much ice cream - which I don't buy, and watching tv all weekend long).
I've hinted nicely, cooked good meals, encouraged him to exercise with me for the past several years to no avail. He was at 280 for a while and lately he's gained 20 more!! I am no longer attracted to him. I keep in shape and I've had three children. I don't eat anything I want and I exercise. I don't think it's fair that he has let himself go. Then he wants to jump in bed and he's just not attractive to me anymore. I finally lost it with him the other night and told him flat out how I feel. He is giving me the cold shoulder now, snapping at me, etc.
I understand people age, and I don't mind that. It's my husband's attitude that "you're married to me now - I can just let myself go."
No flames please.
ARC
Am I missing something? I'm a personal trainer and fitness instructor and I would never advocate the option to shame him or hold back love from him to try to motivate him to become healthy. You will have disasterous effects not to mention contribute to an already exisiting self esteem problem.
I think you need to ask yourself why you love this person. If it's true love why is it so conditional with you? We all want our Lovers and Partners to be happy and healthy, but withholding love because his body does not look a certain way? That makes no sense to me. I apologize if my words seem harsh, but seriously this is one of the most insensitive post's I've read in a very long time.
Am I missing something? I'm a personal trainer and fitness instructor and I would never advocate the option to shame him or hold back love from him to try to motivate him to become healthy. You will have disasterous effects not to mention contribute to an already exisiting self esteem problem.
I think you need to ask yourself why you love this person. If it's true love why is it so conditional with you? We all want our Lovers and Partners to be happy and healthy, but withholding love because his body does not look a certain way? That makes no sense to me. I apologize if my words seem harsh, but seriously this is one of the most insensitive post's I've read in a very long time.
When did I say that I withheld love from my H? Because I got upset with him over his weight? I think that in and of itself shows that I love my husband (which I do - if I didn't love him his weight would not bother and worry me so.) And no, it's not just about being attracted to him (although that is part of it - we are MARRIED - i.e. we have sex- he's just not a friend or another relative). I AM concerned about his weight and his health. He does have health problems related to his weight and he has 3 young children. He chooses to continue to eat in an unhealthy manner; he chooses to sit and not exercise - where is HIS love for his family?
And I guess this is for another debate - but marriage is conditional love - it's a contract - "to love, honor, etal." With your argument I'd have to question whether my H even loves ME (or our children) since he's been gently told/helped/supported on this issue for YEARS and continues to choose to act in a self-destructive way, possibly even going down a path where he might take himself away from us in the future.
Both Hubby and I gained weight. At first, it was just eating unhealthy (even while we were dating - you know the whole eating out routine) but after my Dad died just a year after marriage, I think for me it was depression kicking in and Hubby just went along for the ride.
I was never diagnosed with depression per say but after we moved to another state (Jan '07) we both decided to start anew. For us, it wasn't about being attracted to each other or the lack thereof, it was a matter of health.
I suggest if you want to bring this up to your husband, it really shouldn't be about "being attracted to him". Although I understand your point of view, I doubt anybody wants to hear "Hey, quit lettin' yourself go and lose a little, will ya?"
It does sound, however, that you are trying alternate ways to get him going. I don't know your situation or what you've tried thus far but have you ever told him what you told us? That you don't like "slowly killing himself"? How is his health otherwise?
Or, instead of exercising per say, maybe he can take on a sport or something?
This is a pretty touchy subject but the fact of the matter is, you can't "make" anybody lose weight. They have to want to do it either for themselves or for the people they love. Good luck to you.
Thanks for the feedback but I don't think I ever said it's ALL about physical attraction (but let's be honest - we are MARRIED and physical attraction is part of the package, esp. when it's something one can control). I think I mentioned my H's health problems and the fact that he is almost 50 and I want him around to be a father for our 3 young children. I think you hit it on the head in your last few words when you said they have to want to "do it for the people they love." I think my H, being a H and a father who says he loves his wife and family, should take care of himself. I'm not expecting a 6-pack stud, just someone who is not 100 lbs. overweight.
A lot of antidepressant medications have a side effect of eventually causing weight gain, sometimes in massive amounts. I work in the mental health field and have seen people gain up to 100 and more pounds simply due to antidepressant medication. So if he is on one of these meds, that could be a major contributing factor to the weight gain.
I can maybe see this to a point - but you have to see how my H eats, the lack of portion control and his total lack of exercise. I know he'd probably never get back down to 200 with his meds, but with a little portion control and exercise he could lose some weight.
And no, it's not just about being attracted to him (although that is part of it - we are MARRIED - i.e. we have sex- he's just not a friend or another relative).
My husband never once told me that he wasn't attracted to me anymore when I was at my heaviest. I weighed 300 pounds also. I didn't feel good about myself, but he was still attracted to me and sex was never an issue. I can't speak for moonsavvy, but maybe you telling him you aren't attracted to him is what they meant. I wouldn't know what I would have done if my husband told me that. Once I started dieting and losing he told me his only concern with my weight was the health part, not the actual physical part. Yes, you can be concerned for him and that's completely understandable, but telling him you aren't attracted to him is probably like telling him you don't love him in his eyes. If you have never been heavy yourself, you will never understand the mindset of a heavy person. Believe me, it's brutal.
I'm not sure what else I can do to be supportive. I've been loving and nicey-nice for years and he's just gained more weight. He even said once that his weight must not really bother me because I showed that I still loved him. But it DOES bother me. I don't love him less - I just don't like how he's slowly killing himself.
I can see how this would bother you. If my husband ballooned up to 300 lbs I would be seriously concerned for his health and the example that he is setting for our kids. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your husband so, this is based upon my own relationship with my hubby... If my husband let himself go like that for whatever reason, I would tell him my concerns. I personally think that spouses are obligated to take care of themselves not only for health reasons but to keep themselves attractive to their spouses. Like you, I will always love my husband even if he tips the scale on the side of obese... but that doesn't mean I'm going to want to jump his bones as much.
I don't know if I would say... "well, I'm not attracted to you as much because your overweight." He should probably see a doctor to have a check up. Blood pressure, diabetes, etc. might be a threat to his health enough for him to change his unhealthy habits. You alone might not be able to change his ways, unfortunately but an outside person might offer a persuasive argument to lose a little.
A lot of antidepressant medications have a side effect of eventually causing weight gain, sometimes in massive amounts. I work in the mental health field and have seen people gain up to 100 and more pounds simply due to antidepressant medication. So if he is on one of these meds, that could be a major contributing factor to the weight gain.
Since hitting my 40s I have consistently put on some weight each year. I only eat one meal a day, and I don't sit around on my butt, yet I can't stop it. My husband has put on a few pounds too, but not like me. He is kind and always makes suggestions to help "us" lose some weight instead of singling me out as the one that needs to lose it.
Several months ago I went on anti-depressants because my son died and I couldn't stop crying. I wasn't depressed, I was sad. But, the medication helped me to level out my emotions and stop crying all the time, meanwhile causing me to gain 20 lbs. Now I REALLY need to lose some weight, and I wish that my hubby would give me a good swift kick in the butt and say "Okay... today we are going for a long hike" or "today we are joining a gym", but he is afraid of hurting my feelings.
I don't think it is anyone else's responsibility to get me kick-started, but I have become lazy lately and sure could use a push. There is a fine line with spouses... we all want harmony at home and don't want to hurt each others feelings but sometimes a husband or a wife just has to tell it like it is and say "I want the old you back!" and then do whatever is necessary to help them to get there.
Have you asked him if anything is bothering him, or why he sits in front of tv all the time? Both my husband and I have put on maybe 20 lbs since we met 12 years ago. In my case I eat because I am bored to death. I had 20 acres with horses and all that when I met him. I was out riding or cleaning stalls or feeding, and had no time to eat or sit around. My husband rode a bike 30-40 miles a day when I met him. He's a city boy, so I moved to Cal where he was born, and have a yard so small I feel like a sardine in a can. Probably big by others standards, but slowly driving me nuts. I eat in the evening because there is nothing to do. I ride a bike, but frankly living in the city bores me to tears. My husband doesn't ride a bike anymore, or show any interest in walking with me and my daughter in the evening. Basically neither of us is doing any of the things we enjoyed when we first met for various reasons.
Were there things you guys used to do that he no longer does for some reason? Does he have hobbies that he's maybe given up that he could be persuaded to start again? Sometimes you just get in a rut, and forget to do the things you used to get such enjoyment from.
My wife and I have finally decided to get up off the sofa and take up a sport.
I saw a sport on TV that doesn't require any special strength or expensive equipment and we can both participate in it and even compete with each other on equal ground.
I am going out to get the materials in a few minutes and we can give it a try.
The sport is called "Competitive Eating" and I can get everything we need at Pizza Hut.
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