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.. your advice would be better fit for young women who have babies young or who don't have jobs or a means to support themselves, so they get stuck with men who are abusive or have no jobs & can't get out.
Your black-and-white thinking is another sign of immaturity. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's something you need to consider.
Bad decisions aren't reserved for teen moms. Even older women with good jobs also make plenty of relationship mistakes.
It's not a matter of "abusive," "stuck," or "dependent." It's more subtle than that, if you could just let yourself really think deeply about it.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,583,293 times
Reputation: 7613
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
But while I have this opinion and everything, I don't think that it's very much related to the question you were asking us here. And like most times where someone posts a thread like this one (I've done it in my past, myself!) you already kinda know what you're going to do. You are not wanting to break up, or to even slow your progress in your plans with this fella. You know that. So asking for support in giving up on the idea of children, well, it is what it is. You've decided what you're doing, and you want some validation in it. People may or may not agree, but defending your position is just making you feel more solid in it. I see what you're doing as a pretty human thing to do. So it doesn't annoy me that I might say, "Slow down, that's my advice" and you are fairly likely to not follow it.
It's your life! Good luck. I hope it all works out wonderfully for you. I really do!
I did already know what I was going to do & said so....even tho people seem to think I need reassurance. I know my relationship & myself (& him) better than anyone possibly could who is a stranger online, even if they think they do. I was not seeking or searching for opinions of what *I* should do because that's my decision....I was seeking an open discussion with strangers what they would do....to open a topic about society & expectations of bringing children into the world....& what people value in their lives...& if they have any regrets for choosing one way or the other. Lesson learned...I don't need the headache of online know it alls....who should be directing their advice to young women out there who really need it.........women who can't support themselves, women without an education, women who get pregnant without a job or a stable relationship. Those are the women making *mistakes*. I'm making an educated decision.....to be with an educated man....& we are both over 30. I'm not hurting myself or anyone else.
You’re the one giving the facts about your situation. Now you’ve expressed that you married and relocated for one guy, then a few years later you’re relocating for another guy.
If you were newly separated in February, but have been in a relationship with the new guy in another state for a year, but couldn’t move to be with the new guy until the house was sold that the old guy bought for the 2 of you after his career led that way ....what part of the comments suggesting “rebound and not independent” are so off the mark?
It’s just a summary of the facts as presented. No one has to leap to get an impression.
Maybe a poll would have been better:
Ever end a relationship over the conflicting desire to be a parent?
Yes or No
Much simpler
My answer: No. Like you, the relationship, then marriage, did come first.
See, we agree.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,583,293 times
Reputation: 7613
Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL
You’re the one giving the facts about your situation. Now you’ve expressed that you married and relocated for one guy, then a few years later you’re relocating for another guy.
If you were newly separated in February, but have been in a relationship with the new guy in another state for a year, but couldn’t move to be with the new guy until the house was sold that the old guy bought for the 2 of you after his career led that way ....what part of the comments suggesting “rebound and not independent” are so off the mark?
It’s just a summary of the facts as presented. No one has to leap to get an impression.
Maybe a poll would have been better:
Ever end a relationship over the conflicting desire to be a parent?
Yes or No
Much simpler
My answer: No. Like you, the relationship, then marriage, did come first.
See, we agree.
I don't say I'm perfect....we all make mistakes & my marriage was a mistake. I corrected it quickly & left. Some people stay in unhappy marriages and don't leave their mistakes. I learned from mine....& I did not say I was marrying my Bf.
The thread title & question were black & white, tho. I did get *defensive*...because I thought people were genuinely asking...not because they think they know better or they want to save me from myself or my Bf.....when they don't know either of us or our circumstances or how our relationship has gone.
Rebounds are when someone is trying to get over someone....by replacing him with someone else very quickly to fill the void. I am not trying to get over my ex......I had been dating online for a few yrs. before the official divorce. The only reason I stayed with my ex for a little while was "convenience" for both of us & his guilt that he lied to me...& because of my stepson. My Bf is not a rebound for anyone & it's not for you to say he is.
After reading this thread for a few days, I'm finally jumping into the fray. Tasha, you seem to react defensively to posts that don't validate your plan to possibly move in with your boyfriend. That's the camp I'm in, so I won't be surprised if you dismiss or disregard my post. But I'll share my opinion, anyway. You have a history of rushing relationships (at least one, with your ex-husband). You've been in the same city as your current boyfriend for 3 months as I understand it. And you signed a one-year lease, is that correct? At the time, you must have planned to live separately for a year. That was a smart plan. You say you've proven your independence and ability to live on your own, but what's the rush to live together? Your relationship is wonderful, as you've repeatedly pointed out. Won't it be equally wonderful, if not more so, 9 months from now? Aside from allowing the relationship to progress at a natural pace (yes, I know you've known him for one year), waiting to move in when your lease is up will allow you more time to consider whether you want the option to have children in the future. 31 is awfully young to make a final decision not to have children if you have even the smallest inkling that you may want them later on. It's also too young to assume you'll never find love again.
FWIW, I have a good friend who always wanted children, but married an older man who'd had a vasectomy. I have no idea if she's had any regrets, because I stopped asking her about it once she made her decision. As far as I know, she's happily married, but I don't know if she feels that anything is missing.
I personally have never wanted children, and I'm sure there's more than one guy who ruled me out early on upon learning this. As it should be.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,583,293 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CapsChick
After reading this thread for a few days, I'm finally jumping into the fray. Tasha, you seem to react defensively to posts that don't validate your plan to possibly move in with your boyfriend.
No....the thread is not about me. I made my decision.....& explained how I never knew if I wanted kids or not. I wanted to hear from other women..or men.. who made the same ...or opposite...decision & how they feel about it. I acted defensively to people who think they know me, my Bf or my relationship better than I do....
I'm making an educated decision....to be with an educated man.... who doesn't see kids in his future & there is not a thing wrong with that. We have a *wonderful* relationship & I'm very happy....and I know he is too.
Rebounds are when someone is trying to get over someone....by replacing him with someone else very quickly to fill the void. I am not trying to get over my ex......
See, that's not a complete definition of a person who's in rebound.
It is just that time period after a failed relationship when someone's heart is looking to substitute love that was lost. It's not about a person but feelings. It is known to be a time when people can make bad decisions about future relationships.
All that energy that felt wasted with the previous relationship gets thrown into the new relationship, and it's hard to know if you're guided by love or by fear of being without someone. Like I said, someone who is better compared to your ex begins to look SO MUCH better when you're in rebound, especially when it's too soon for you to know that.
Either way … you're gonna do what you want. It just would be good if you didn't do it the way you did last time.
i was in a relationship with a charming (and unrealistic) man who suddenly wanted me to have a baby--without marriage or a sustainable job on his part to help with that "wonderful event".
Ehhh...not only did i not want children in the future, but it was like "since my sister just had a baby, why aren't you going to since it makes me so happy?" dating was enough for me; if he wanted more he needed to let me know it would be a problem for him to accept. but he had a habit of claiming "acceptance" and then resenting his own claims later on instead of owning them.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,583,293 times
Reputation: 7613
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle
See, that's not a complete definition of a person who's in rebound.
It is just that time period after a failed relationship when someone's heart is looking to substitute love that was lost. It's not about a person but feelings. It is known to be a time when people can make bad decisions about future relationships.
All that energy that felt wasted with the previous relationship gets thrown into the new relationship, and it's hard to know if you're guided by love or by fear of being without someone. Like I said, someone who is better compared to your ex begins to look SO MUCH better when you're in rebound, especially when it's too soon for you to know that.
Either way … you're gonna do what you want. It just would be good if you didn't do it the way you did last time.
Rebounds happen when a female can't support herself....when she has an emotional void & is depending on someone or something to make that emptiness "right" & makes decisions to feed that emotional or physical dependence left empty. It's a *need*....not an educated *want*.....
Rebounds don't happen when we are *NOT* emotionally attached to our past...or when we can support ourselves & we don't "need" a man to fill a void. If I was looking for a rebound, I had *offers* from guys I knew & local men which would not have required me to pick up & move across the country.........much easier options than what I did......because it wasn't a rebound.
My Bf fills no voids.....& I do not *need* him. I *want* him. I am 31 yrs old......I've worked with abusive women in the past and the very bad *mistakes* they made...like babies at 21 or inability to support themselves when faced with an abusive relationship or a man who doesn't work... *mistakes* that changed their lives forever. Bad marriages are mistakes that change lives forever too......I left mine.....which is worse? I think staying is worse...it's making another big mistake on top of the 1st one.
My relationship is *not* a rebound....& strangers online should stop thinking they know me or him or our relationship better than I do. We are not kids with no life experiences between us......we both have pasts, we both have jobs, we both have friends, we both have made mistakes...and we both know we want each other.......sry that doesn't seem to be Ok with some people here.
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