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OLD is very frustrating from a man's point of view. What you are probably seeing is a guy who goes thru this time after time.
I had a couple rules. Burn phone so no nutjobs had my real number. One email in response to their ad, then move on. If communication abruptly stopped, no more conversation from me. Stood up (never happened but just in case) no more communication. And last of all NEVER bother someone or appear needy.
Personally, i learned many women are not looking for more than a meal or a meal and sex. More than one had a little black book where she scheduled dates. One had so many guys on the string she thought I was someone else. Lol. Another admitted to only wanting meals, while another admitted being in it only for sex. She had over 100 hookups in two years! One of them was not me after hearing that.
OLD was very frustrating. I will stick to the grocery store and laundromat.
It's funny, the guy I started to like said some women do that- go out just for food. That's crazy to me. I love food but I can find better ways to get it than lead on a stranger. (Like buy it myself lol)
The sex thing is even crazier to me.
Everyone's different I guess.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chessimprov
Some people want to play games. Or it's their way of ghosting you if they change their minds. Some people really get way too manipulative about this kind of thing. People don't know how to say "no" or they are trying too hard to look for the "perfect person" because they think that there's someone they can get that's even better than you. So, they want to keep their options open and decide last minute much of the time. Instead of trying to maximize one's possibility, one should go with something good. There is no perfect person- just a lot of good options that may be very different. I wish more people would aim for that instead. Maybe there would be a lot more empathy and a lot less inconsiderateness and less unreasonable prejudice.
All this stuff happens with any kind of dating tho......but ita.
I feel that there is a thing...and I don't know if it's more common with guys or not, and I won't assume, but my ex sure as heck does it, and I have tried with some of our long-term struggling fellas here to say, "You are doing the thing, friend."
It's like, you do not get the success you're looking for, for a while, and it becomes a mindset where you cannot let go the outcome and be zen about it. You have to know as soon as possible whether this connection is a pass or fail. No maybe's allowed! Like there is a feeling that if you invest in something, even a bit, and it doesn't work out, the disappointment will be crushing, so it's better to set it on fire early on, to avoid that. It's preferable to turn a "maybe" into a no, than to take the chance on it becoming a yes or a no at some future point, and having to cope with the uncertainty and fear the invested-disappointment.
In some situations (my ex) this pattern could apply even when one has relationships...if some of them end in a partner cheating, you start right off the bat accusing a new partner of cheating or expecting that they will. My ex told me from the beginning that some day I would, because it was inevitable, as women "could not be trusted." Wow dude.
The common thread is the element of control. If you steer your car off a cliff, at least you had the power and control to orchestrate your own failure, rather than leaving it to chance or to someone else to determine your fate.
I would be very interested to know if this "thing" also happens with women because I have mostly observed it in men, but that could very well be put down to who I'm talking to about what life experiences. No judgment, only curiosity. I had hypothesized that the men I know are very goal-oriented, and that may play a part in it.
Happens with women I'm sure. Hurry up and get a know because it's more comfortable for both sexes than being in limbo.
Maybe the key to OLD is to not fall into that mindset. Like I'm saying- patience.
Happens with women I'm sure. Hurry up and get a know because it's more comfortable for both sexes than being in limbo.
Maybe the key to OLD is to not fall into that mindset. Like I'm saying- patience.
I at least come off like I have it lol
I've come to believe (and I really didn't start out this way) that it's so much better to date without having this set goal and expectation, putting pressure on a brand new connection. Like give it a little time, get to know each other. I used to jump into things, and my relationships either didn't last, or they were bad ones. I'm in the best relationship of my life now and I feel that part of why it's so good, is that we DID date with some patience. We didn't rush any stage of this. By the time we took any major step, we were ready and both of us had the trust in one another that we felt pretty confident that it would work.
I mean it is pretty inevitable that if you let things stand at a "maybe" for a bit, but continue to see one another and get to know one another, both of you will be able to reasonably decide if it's a "yes" or a "no."
Rather than, "I want to date you...but you're about to flake out on me, aren't you...AREN'T YOU? Nothing ever works out, this won't work out, tell you what, I'm just gonna block you now."
And it really prevents a lot of frustration if people can manage expectations and be a bit more laid back about it all... It is sad, to me, because dating should, in theory, be fun. Not the huge hassle that I feel many folks make it out to be.
It's funny, the guy I started to like said some women do that- go out just for food. That's crazy to me. I love food but I can find better ways to get it than lead on a stranger. (Like buy it myself lol)
The sex thing is even crazier to me.
Everyone's different I guess.
I just have a hard time believing these women date for meals, because most men don't do restaurants on first dates anyway. Very few men are going to pony up $100 for dinner on someone they are just meeting for the first time. Even if the man chooses to do so, he isn't being "used" when he should know better than to gamble that way on a first date. He should realize it may not work out and a first date is just for getting to know someone. So I guess I don't feel sorry for guys who fork over money on first dates and then don't get a second date. First meetings should be for coffee or drinks. That's it.
I find that hard to believe as the vast majority of men these days don't pay for meals out, at least not on the first date.
Interesting. Maybe me, maybe the geographical area, but any first meeting/date I ever had with exception of one, who wanted to go for a motorcycle ride, has been a meal. And yes, usually $100 or so depending on where we go. More if we are having fun and click. Just me. And i let them pick, and i pay.
I am not sure where I would go if not out to dinner, because I am fed not a "let's meet for a coffee" kinda guy, or a guy to meet at the mall to talk. Hmmm.
Interesting. Maybe me, maybe the geographical area, but any first meeting/date I ever had with exception of one, who wanted to go for a motorcycle ride, has been a meal. And yes, usually $100 or so depending on where we go. More if we are having fun and click. Just me. And i let them pick, and i pay.
I am not sure where I would go if not out to dinner, because I am fed not a "let's meet for a coffee" kinda guy, or a guy to meet at the mall to talk. Hmmm.
$100?!
I usually suggest Olive Garden or something like that. Occasionally somewhere more expensive, but not $50/plate!
Interesting. Maybe me, maybe the geographical area, but any first meeting/date I ever had with exception of one, who wanted to go for a motorcycle ride, has been a meal. And yes, usually $100 or so depending on where we go. More if we are having fun and click. Just me. And i let them pick, and i pay. .
With a few exceptions, almost every first meeting I had from O.L.D. was coffee.
If you already know someone well, it stands to reason you might want be open to spending more money on the first date.
I just have a hard time believing these women date for meals, because most men don't do restaurants on first dates anyway. Very few men are going to pony up $100 for dinner on someone they are just meeting for the first time. Even if the man chooses to do so, he isn't being "used" when he should know better than to gamble that way on a first date. He should realize it may not work out and a first date is just for getting to know someone. So I guess I don't feel sorry for guys who fork over money on first dates and then don't get a second date. First meetings should be for coffee or drinks. That's it.
This. And if drinks go well and it moves into dinner... all good. But to plan on dinner for the first meet up? Too much pressure!
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