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Maybe you misunderstood my post. I made two points: 1. The kind of sugar momma/baby dynamic that I described is unhealthy; 2. even if an age-gap relationship doesn't have that dynamic, there could be other unhealthy motives. It's a possibility, not a certainty. The relationship is unhealthy only if it has unhealthy motives.
Quite simple and to the point. The whole story that hints about "breaking up due to being dependent" is misleading. What happens then, you get a job, source of income, a roof over your head and so on - because you're not dependent upon that person?
No, it's something you should've been doing regardless of the relationship status. Having someone do it for you, or being able to do that "just in case you might need it"... is actually a bonus. And it's a much quicker and easier solution is to depend on someone else IF you aren't able to be self-sufficient, IF you can find that person.
However, a reality of U.S. economy, at least for anyone in 2020... well reality is that an average household HAS to rely on two-income setup. Otherwise the standard of living will be quite low, to say the least. Combine this with all other factors - and you get the fact that, if someone plans to bring up a healthy family with a good standard of living and opportunities for their (potential) children as a primary goal, their main focus isn't self-sufficiency alone because they need to be in the top brackets of personal income in their state/county.
Lol “misleading”? No.
OP hasn’t been able to do it to this point. He’s in a vulnerable position. Nothing at all misleading about that. It’s crystal clear.
And if they break up, where will he go immediately? When he still needs to finish school/training etc. to get the job he wants? It certainly wouldn’t match the lifestyle to which he’s become accustomed.
The point that I address as "misleading" is that a number of posters somehow give a vibe that OP shouldn't be dating, or that he should break up as soon as possible - in order to somehow estsblish hinself, get his life in order (especially employment and housing) just in order to start dating.
If anything, he should use the fact that he's dependent on someone and utilize it in order to improve his (employment) prospects. This issue is not related to his relationship status, but his situation actually gives him more leeway instead.
It has also been argued so many times that there are plenty of people who date while being broke, with poor employment prospects and so on. This DOES affect their dating prospects, especially for guys - but they can still do it and have some success. They could do well by just lowering some of their criteria.
Given that someone wants to date or find someone for a long term relationship, especially as a guy, the worst scenario is not related to being unemployed or something... OP would do the worst thing if he decided to stop dating in order to "bring his life in line before he starts doing that". Somehow, some people seems to lead him towards this path. It's not just thtat he'd be more likely to be motivated if he attempts to date (or is dating at the moment), it's about the feeling that he's "not good enough to date" that's instilled into his mind if he folliws it, there are people who are doing quite well in many realms (including, but not limited to, career or income prospects), yet they self-eliminate themselves because someone convinced them to do it - "in order to have success at dating", usually claimed to happen some time in the future.
As I mentioned earlier, the "get your life in order before dating" advice is especially harmful for guys in their dating prospects, mainly due to general dating dynamics... and the worst thing is that it's usually "advised" to guys.
The point that I address as "misleading" is that a number of posters somehow give a vibe that OP shouldn't be dating, or that he should break up as soon as possible - in order to somehow estsblish hinself, get his life in order (especially employment and housing) just in order to start dating.
If anything, he should use the fact that he's dependent on someone and utilize it in order to improve his (employment) prospects. This issue is not related to his relationship status, but his situation actually gives him more leeway instead.
It has also been argued so many times that there are plenty of people who date while being broke, with poor employment prospects and so on. This DOES affect their dating prospects, especially for guys - but they can still do it and have some success. They could do well by just lowering some of their criteria.
Given that someone wants to date or find someone for a long term relationship, especially as a guy, the worst scenario is not related to being unemployed or something... OP would do the worst thing if he decided to stop dating in order to "bring his life in line before he starts doing that". Somehow, some people seems to lead him towards this path. It's not just thtat he'd be more likely to be motivated if he attempts to date (or is dating at the moment), it's about the feeling that he's "not good enough to date" that's instilled into his mind if he folliws it, there are people who are doing quite well in many realms (including, but not limited to, career or income prospects), yet they self-eliminate themselves because someone convinced them to do it - "in order to have success at dating", usually claimed to happen some time in the future.
As I mentioned earlier, the "get your life in order before dating" advice is especially harmful for guys in their dating prospects, mainly due to general dating dynamics... and the worst thing is that it's usually "advised" to guys.
This is all really nice observation, but it's not the OP's main problem.
He can (and should) date all he wants, broke or not. But he shouldn't allow himself to remain in this vulnerable position under control of someone who has more resources.
Dating would be an improvement. Right now he's just keeping himself in a dependent position, which doesn't help him at all.
I'm 34. My first LTR out of high school turned 50 last year. I was 18 and she was 34 when we met. We were together for three years, and she dumped me for someone her age out of the blue. They're still together.
I was with a 50 year old when I was 29 for a year. I was partying too hard at the time, but we had totally different values and it wouldn't have worked anyway.
My most recent relationship was eight years younger. We had a lot of great times, but treated each other very poorly sometimes as well. The last few months of relationships it felt like going through the motions. She found someone else, but we still FaceTime once a month or so. She is moving from TN to FL once the virus subsides with her family. I would potentially move to FL, but it wouldn't be exclusively to be with her. I wouldn't rule out getting together under the right circumstances.
This is all really nice observation, but it's not the OP's main problem.
He can (and should) date all he wants, broke or not. But he shouldn't allow himself to remain in this vulnerable position under control of someone who has more resources.
Dating would be an improvement. Right now he's just keeping himself in a dependent position, which doesn't help him at all.
Agreed, although I don't know his exact situation, he should re-think about life and all the dangers that this setup presents to him if he stays in same setup. If nothing else, he definitely won't be able to inherit aby pension from his girlfriend in old age. He should use his girlfriend's position as a way to help him out to establish a more contributing role in a relationship. IF he thinks with any seriousness, he will be prone to try and estsblish a more contributing role than the one of an underaged child.
It's very important to stresss out that a family unit, something he hints to desire, requires even more resources than just the two of them need right now (and although it's not all about money, this is also an important factor) and majority of families are forced into dual-income situation to keep up with desired standard of living and to enable a good opportunity for their child(ren).
If there's another thing to say about it in favor or both people being employed, I think it's about the fact that two smaller salaries should always be a more "reliable" setup than a single, large source of income. One can't focus only on "going forward", it's very important to be prepared for setbacks, which is why dual-imcome setup involes much less stress than a single source of income. But to each their own
I'm from a small village and without her, I wouldn't be able to end my studies. Now I’m looking for a job. I was on a few interviews and I wait for feedback. When I find work, I'll be ready to have children.
This children thing is a deal-breaker. Are you absolutely sure she wants more children as people who have older children often realise they have more freedom now they have grown up and may not want more when it really comes to the crunch. I also think you need to consider the situation from the other point of view - from the woman's point of view.
If you are looking at this relationship as a long term one with family, kids, etc, I think you are fantasizing. I think you should be looking at it for a period of 5 years at most and probably 3 years much more likely until she and you decide to go separate ways. Just enjoy it for what it is but do not get any long-term ideas because realistically, I dont think this will happen. Actually, this is very similar to living at home with the parents except that you are sleeping with mum...
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by himhishim
I have 25 years and live in my 40-year-old girlfriend's house and also I use her car. She doesn't want split rent. Am I a sugar baby? Why did my friend suggest that?
You know what your relationship is like better than any of us do tho. Do you have an agreement.......or did you date & fall in love before moving in together? What are your conversations like?
Conversations are great. She's really smart and very much on the same level. High EQ and overall a nice person. Have a hell of a lot of laughs and it's good to be with some one who is adventurous rather than too sensible.
Age gap really comes down to the personality of both, I don't think I've changeduch since my 20s. Still love to have fun and be a bit silly.
Nothing wrong with dating a 40yo when 25. Just make sure you are safe financially when you are 35 she will be 50 and unless she keeps her self fit maybe wont be able to keep up.
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Do you have an agreement.......or did you date & fall in love before moving in together? What are your conversations like? 
