Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Don't know if this really falls under relationships as I've been reading all the posts in here.. but because it does affect my relationship, I'm hoping for some answers.
About 4 years ago I met a wonderful woman and about 3 years ago we were married. We both had previous relationships (she was married and has custody of her daughter, and I was married (recently divorced) and my 3 kids lived with their mom. When we got married, she and her daughter moved into my house (of course) and her mom who was ailing physically moved in as well. Three years later some things have changed:
After 1 year of living with his mom, my son decided he wanted to come back and live with me. He's been with me the last two years. Just last year, my daughter decided she wanted to come back and live with me. Now, I live in a 4 bedroom house with my wife and I in one room, the two girls (15 and 11) in another, my son (16) in the third, and the mother-in-law in the 4th. But because the kids are all adolescent, the house seems to be incredibly small (it is only 1600 sqft).
Sorry for the history, but I thought it important to lead into the problem. Her mother had a stroke about 5 years ago, and her mental faculties have slowly been devolving. It's not like she's becoming a child, but she says and does things apparently without thinking about it (when I tell the kids it's okay to go out and play, she might tell them it's too cold). We've tried talking to her about letting us be the parents, but it's just not sinking in.
Since her health is bad (she needs a knee replacement, but can't get that until she get's a shoulder replacement, but can't get that because the doctors think she won't survive because of her COPD heart issues and lung problems (she's on breathing treatments after years of smoking), as well as arthritis. She's only 58, but can't get around too well, and we definitely don't think she can take care of herself.
Part of the problem is that I told my wife that I support any choice she makes and would never initiate the converstation of "kicking her mom out." She has brought it up because her relationship with her mom is deteriorating, and it's adding severe stress on our lives as well. We have enough problems with her and I working full time, and trying to guide the lives of our children (where my son works but doesn't drive yet, my daughter's choir concerts, my son's orchestra concerts, and the youngest girls basketball games and practices). The effect her mom has on trying to run the house around us has also taken a toll on our relationship. My wife knows I am as frustrated as she is, but that bringing it up will do no good because there's nothing she or I can do about it, and she's frustrated too.
I'm sorry this is so long, but I'm hoping for options. We've looked into help-assisted housing, but they won't take her until she's 62 (insurance purposes). She can't move into a place by herself. All the other places that will take her run between $1800 and up depending (which we can't afford). She draws disability, but it's only about $800/mo. My wife's father is passed away, and all the other family won't do anything to help.
We live in Texas... any advice to help ease the stress in our marriage is greatly appreciated (and yes, I've even started going to a gym to relieve stress (not that I can't use the exercise too!)
If she's on disability and you're not claiming her as a dependent, what you can "afford" isn't an issue. There are nursing homes she can get to, but you'll have to do some research. They probably won't be the ritziest places, but it sounds like you both need to choose between her mom's quality of life and the children's... it's a hard place to be in.
Could she live in a small inexpensive apartment by herself if you did her shopping? There are those mobile chairs for her to get around which you may be able to find used.
Over the years, my mom has taken in her mother, her sister, my dad's brother and my dad's sister. This was with three children and in a 3 bedroom house. At one point, my parents moved their bed into the unfinished basement to accommodate my grandmother.
The lessons I learned from my parents regarding family, sacrifice, generosity, respect and love far outweigh the burden we all felt at the time. The family history and the understanding that every single person is valuable is a gift that each of these relatives gave me.
One aunt could barely make it to the bathroom. Her "family job" was to sit in her chair and fold clothes. Not only did she contribute to the family but it made her feel useful, too.
I guess what I'm saying is that if you can't change the situation for whatever reason, you can find a way to adapt. Every situation has something to teach us but we have to be willing to learn.
can you get her a home health aid? maybe to watch her while you are gone? just to get through the next few years before you can put her into a nursing home.
the aid can take care of her and that will ease a lot of the stress for you and your family while you need to be out and about
Thank you all for your replies. It's always nice to know there's others out there to talk to. Although I know that no solid solutions have occured yet, I guess I was hoping for more help in the area of expanding her outwards (read: move her to a home that can provide assistance). Maybe someone knew of a place that takes people that you can trust. I refuse to just "drop" her at a place for MY convenience, regardless of the care she would get. Any facility we would move her to that doesn't take her insurance would be a financial burden we just can't incur right now.
There are good places out there that you can trust for assisted living. I visited one with my kids one day that was just awesome. They had a dog that lived there that the old people LOVED, a huge bird area, a guy that came in every week to sing and play guitar, and all kinds of other wonderful things. The staff was knowledgeable and very caring. This was not the stuffy boring old folks home you think of at all.
They are out there. Just go to a few and visit in person. Make sure you just "drop in" too so see them at other times.
They had a dog that lived there that the old people LOVED, a huge bird area, a guy that came in every week to sing and play guitar, and all kinds of other wonderful things. The staff was knowledgeable and very caring.
The dog and birds I could probably take, but before I would put up with the guy with the guitar, the other wonderful things, and the caring staff, I would use my last bit of mental and physical energy to throw myself under the bus.
Over the years, my mom has taken in her mother, her sister, my dad's brother and my dad's sister. This was with three children and in a 3 bedroom house. At one point, my parents moved their bed into the unfinished basement to accommodate my grandmother.
The lessons I learned from my parents regarding family, sacrifice, generosity, respect and love far outweigh the burden we all felt at the time. The family history and the understanding that every single person is valuable is a gift that each of these relatives gave me.
One aunt could barely make it to the bathroom. Her "family job" was to sit in her chair and fold clothes. Not only did she contribute to the family but it made her feel useful, too.
I guess what I'm saying is that if you can't change the situation for whatever reason, you can find a way to adapt. Every situation has something to teach us but we have to be willing to learn.
Such an endearing post.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
