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I had a role in this too. Mainly taking her for granted. I did some drinking behind her back. Not giving her the attention she so desperately wanted and deserved. And so on. So I'm not without blame.
Your acknowledgment of your role in this is GOOD. The infidelity itself is her responsibility, but the marriage going south is just as much on you. The fact that you can even say this is promising, along with her being sincere in her regret.
Go to counseling either through church or an outside therapist if you can afford it. Work on your part in all of this, and hopefully she will meet you halfway. I know it’s easier for me to say this, but PLEASE don’t carry the resentment for so long that you continue the marriage but have an affair to “pay her back”. People do this a lot because they feel in their heart it’s the only way to get “justice”. Don’t give in to such thoughts, if you ever have them!
I really do wish you all the best, you CAN get through this if you are both fully committed
Last edited by SerlingHitchcockJPeele; 02-06-2022 at 11:04 AM..
I think you needed to disclose this earlier in this thread.
Quote:
Originally Posted by westminster88
Yeah, no kidding!
That changes the entire context of this thread. Waste of time, now, to even read it.
I agree that oP should have said all this on his FIRST post! So to him, it's like, "OK, she confessed to her cheating, so I feel relieved about my unscrupulous acts. So, no problem, let's both start anew!"
However, let's say she had never confessed. Then it would have been like, "I'm the innocent victim of this cheating wife."
This has been a traumatic experience for both of us. After having sat down and had several come-to-Jesus heart to hearts, we have agreed that we want to fix things, heal, rebuild, and move forward.
The only lingering question I have is:
Was it REALLY just the one time?
And my answer is an emphatic NO.
I have some awfully damming and suggestive evidence that says it was at least four and possibly as many as eight. Between what I was able to intercept off her Google search and trip logs. All of which, was promptly scrubbed. But not before I was able to capture and archive some screenshots. One of the trips showed a stop at a residential address. I did some digging on that. The less said, the better.
When I asked her why all the history disappeared (along with the account), she gave me some nebulous answer about "erasing past mistakes and not being able to dwell on it".
Her stories just aren't adding up. The searches don't make sense. She doesn't suddenly have "friends" in these places that I never knew about till now. Sorry. Not buying it.
But she has repeatedly and emphatically stated her story and is sticking to it.
I tried pumping her mother for some info. I just wanted to know the truth. The whole truth.
The answer was "you already have enough to hang her".
I asked a separate female relative the same question. And she just flat out told me "drop it. Or move on. You're never going to get the whole story. Accept it and start over or go your separate ways".
So the message here is a loud and clear: absolutely there were others. Indeed, a CVS pharmacy STD test was one of the things that showed up in her search history. A day after the earliest suspected "encounter".
-But I'm never going to find out about it.
So having taken that particular lump, I guess I just have to continue with the moving forward process. I guess in a way, it makes little difference whether it was one or twenty. She confessed what she was going to confess. I then had to make a decision: fix myself and us and start over? Or throw in the towel.
After having sat down and had several come-to-Jesus heart to hearts, we have agreed that we want to fix things, heal, rebuild, and move forward.
Her stories just aren't adding up. The searches don't make sense. She doesn't suddenly have "friends" in these places that I never knew about till now. Sorry. Not buying it.
You say that you’ve moved forward, but you actually have not. You want all of the details; how many times, with how many people, or how many times with the same other person. What does knowing the details do for you? It WON’T give you closure, but will only make you more angry and vengeful.
You cannot move forward with your wife, if you have not TRULY moved on. Moving on means you don’t need to know all of the details or ask her mother for more information. I understand your anger, anybody would, but either forgive her or file for divorce.
If you decide to work it out and truly move forward, try to resist any urge for retribution because it will end your marriage for good. I really do wish you the best.
Fair enough. You are right. I'm not sure how much of it was just because I wanted closure and how much was pure voyeuristic curiosity. But you are right. And I've stopped harping and dwelling on it. Like I said, it just would've been nice to know.
I think I definitely would have demanded the whole truth as a precondition to trying to heal, repair, and move forward, but that's your decision to make. Good luck.
I think I definitely would have demanded the whole truth as a precondition to trying to heal, repair, and move forward, but that's your decision to make. Good luck.
Would knowing every detail make you feel better if your spouse cheated on you? Details could include information that might reinforce anger, possibly rage. I’d like OP to stay in his marriage (if he chooses), or at least out of prison.
Would knowing every detail make you feel better if your spouse cheated on you? Details could include information that might reinforce anger, possibly rage. I’d like OP to stay in his marriage (if he chooses), or at least out of prison.
I sort of doubt I'd be able to move on with the marriage at all, quite frankly, but definitely not without full disclosure. That's step one of the healing process - get everything out in the open and on the table so there are no more secrets. That's just me, though, I guess.
You want all of the details; how many times, with how many people, or how many times with the same other person. What does knowing the details do for you? It WON’T give you closure, but will only make you more angry and vengeful.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SerlingHitchcockJPeele
Would knowing every detail make you feel better if your spouse cheated on you? Details could include information that might reinforce anger, possibly rage. I’d like OP to stay in his marriage (if he chooses), or at least out of prison.
Perhaps you are right. Her story is that it was only one time.
And that a condom was used.
If the truth turns out to be something like twenty times with six men, and no condoms were ever used, I might be so horrified and aghast at something like that, maybe I would've walked. And perhaps she's fully aware of that.
Maybe ignorance is bliss. I don't know. But I still hate uncertainty and not knowing for sure, all while having some reasonable doubt.
Ugh.
I tossed a mental coin. And going with the second chance.
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