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My suspicions were confirmed. She did it. She confessed it. I think there may be more to the story, meaning if she confessed to one there were almost surely others. Including playing the field, as someone else mentioned. THAT part, she isn't telling me. Just the one to clear her conscience, so to speak.
And don't even ask me about all the pictures I found.
I have nothing else to say.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I've been in your shoes and it hurts. Whatever you decide to do make sure you do what is best for you mind and body. Also don't be surprised if she says you are the reason this happened in the first place (that's the new thing now). Speak to someone if you aren't already doing so and by all means take yourself out of that situation before the anger sets in. Good luck to you.
OP, I'd like to offer what took place when I went to marriage counseling many years ago.
The therapist sat us down and basically said:
"Look. I don't extend things. You have EIGHT sessions. If there is no improvement in 8 sessions, I cut you loose. I'm not after your money. I'm after your marriage improving. If that looks doubtful, I'm not going to take your money indefinitely. That serves no-one."
That therapist went on to become the president of a national organization (many years ago). That's how good he was, and what a good reputation he had. He is retired now.
After 2 sessions together, he requested a separate session for each of us, my ex husband first. Then I went in for mine.
Here is what he said to me:
"You have 2 choices in this situation. (1) You can stay in this marriage and it will not change. (2) You can leave.
Guess what I did?
We didn't get beyond 4 sessions. The therapist told me he wouldn't take money for 4 more sessions. He was correct. There was no hope for the marriage, because my ex wasn't invested in the marriage, thought I should just go along with everything he wanted, and basically was the type of client who tells a therapist "fix her so we can just continue on in the same way we've always been."
My point:
When one person in the marriage does not want to grow and change for the better in order to have a happy marriage, it's time to bail. It's horrible, it's sad, in my case there was a house and cars and furniture and children involved.
My take on this situation is that your wife, OP, has checked out. I could be totally wrong, but there is a long road ahead if she decides to stay, because she's developed some bad habits and they're tied in to dopamine.
I hope you get a good therapist who will be honest and also take each of you to task -- but especially her. She's the one who sabotaged your marriage. She's the one who needs to decide that she's going to be checked IN instead of OUT. She's the one who needs to stop doing what she's been doing, and really invest in your marriage. If that can't happen, then the healthiest thing to do is move on.
My suspicions were confirmed. She did it. She confessed it. I think there may be more to the story, meaning if she confessed to one there were almost surely others. Including playing the field, as someone else mentioned. THAT part, she isn't telling me. Just the one to clear her conscience, so to speak.
And don't even ask me about all the pictures I found.
I have nothing else to say.
I'm glad she confessed it voluntarily and you didn't need to make an ugly situation even worse by having to find out clandestinely. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
My suspicions were confirmed. She did it. She confessed it. I think there may be more to the story, meaning if she confessed to one there were almost surely others. Including playing the field, as someone else mentioned. THAT part, she isn't telling me. Just the one to clear her conscience, so to speak.
And don't even ask me about all the pictures I found.
I have nothing else to say.
Thanks for the update! So you're going to divorce her, right?! Cheating's one of the marriage deal breakers for me personally as for a lot of others.
It’s understandable if you want a divorce, infidelity is an almost universal deal-breaker as another poster said. Honest question, do you believe there is any role that you’ve played in where your marriage stands now? I’m not talking about the affair, she is an adult and responsible for her own actions. But even without it your marriage was headed in the wrong direction, so my question is why?
If you divorce her without finding out why your marriage went south in the first place, it could easily happen again should you marry in the future. Again, it’s not your fault she cheated but even if she didn’t you must find out why your marriage got to such a low point.
Last edited by SerlingHitchcockJPeele; 02-05-2022 at 04:47 PM..
Thanks for the update! So you're going to divorce her, right?! Cheating's one of the marriage deal breakers for me personally as for a lot of others.
Technically, it would fall under the "for worse" part of the marriage vows. Not a contract I'd ever sign up for with those terms, but I would give respect to anyone wanting to work through something that heavy and see if they can salvage the relationship. Taking the vows seriously and all that.
I'm not only NOT going to divorce her, I'm going to use this as a learning experience and try and repair our marriage and make it stronger. She *seems* like she's onboard with that. And appears to be sincerely remorseful and wanting to do the same.
Cheating....as painful as it is...and yes it is one of the very few Biblically acceptable reasons for divorce, I'm not going to do it. I love her too much.
I had a role in this too. Mainly taking her for granted. I did some drinking behind her back. Not giving her the attention she so desperately wanted and deserved. And so on. So I'm not without blame.
And color me crazy. I even took it one step further. I offered her a one time no questions asked "free pass" for her upcoming outing. If there's anything else she wants or needs to get out of her system. I mean that's how realistic and open minded and down to earth that I am. Just on the condition I get told about it.
Yes. It was devastating to have that worst fear confirmed. But if I can't offer up some understanding, compassion, and forgiveness for her sins, then how can I expect to get it for mine?
I had a role in this too. Mainly taking her for granted. I did some drinking behind her back. Not giving her the attention she so desperately wanted and deserved. And so on. So I'm not without blame.
I think you needed to disclose this earlier in this thread.
I was going to say that if she's making more of an effort toward you then one possible explanation is that, upon reflection, she realizes she's been neglectful and is trying to correct it. If she's got another intimate relationship it seems odd that she'd be investing in her "official" one.
That perhaps you are jumping to conclusions.
Then I caught recent posts where apparently she was cheating, but I'm glad you're open to working it out, and owning your own role in it.
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