Is My Wife Cheating? (woman, love, husband, family)
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I don't know what to think. I still have my hunches and suspicions. But as I've repeatedly said...that's all they are. My latest hunch is she's intentionally throwing me mixed signals, hopefully to throw me off her trail.
Last night (Thursday). She greeted me at the door with a shot of whiskey. She made me a nice big steak for dinner. She gave me some. And I brought home a bouquet of flowers for her. It was a fantastic evening. Mostly.
But then, she slept on the couch. With her phone tucked in next to her.
And I asked her again this morning if she was seeing someone or at least thinking about it. Again, she rolled her eyes and denied it. But....big but....she said "in the past, she had thought about it". And she also said that guys hit her up all the time. She confessed that. Is she currently thinking about it and she just used "in the past" as a way to clear her conscience? Possibly. But only she knows for sure.
I told her "look. I'm down to earth and pragmatic. I don't have a problem with some occasional harmless flirting. You have male friends and I have female friends and we both understand that. But if anything gets up for consideration, I want to know about it".
And with another eye roll, she demanded an apology for "accusing her" before I left for work.
EDIT: Oh. And for the first time ever, while we were at it last night, she told me to shut up and not say anything. Which wasn't easy, since I'm, well, verbal. I guess my voice was a distraction and/or repulsion to her.
So the Million Dollar Question is: was last night out of sincerity, obligation, or guilt?
How should we know? You are the one married to her. You are the one that supposedly knows her. Our guesses are worth exactly what you are paying for them. At this point I am starting to wonder if this is a troll post.
Never accuse a spouse of infidelity without hardcore proof. All you've done is send the lovers underground and getting the truth is 100% harder.
I'm not sure if the question was asked in this thread but...if you found she was cheating, would you be willing to fight for your marriage if she agreed to end the affair?
...if you found she was cheating, would you be willing to fight for your marriage if she agreed to end the affair?
Yes. I would forgive. I'd have to. A person without forgiveness is a damned person. And I love her. Most important, address and correct the reasons for the straying (if she is) in the first place. But like we said. 1) She'd have to come clean, 100%. And 2) end it.
You didn't read his other posts. He is saying she will get sloppy, he will have his proof. He is already convinced.
And yes, if he doesn't trust her, and he clearly doesn't if he is tracking mileage and looking at her phone, means the relationship is over, no matter what. No trust = no relrelationship.
Many long-term marriages recover from infidelity. It takes work and sincere commitment on both sides. Trust can be restored. I've seen it happen many times.
What do you want to do here? When is enough, enough?
I suppose you could stick an Apple Air Tag or a Samsung Smart Tag in her car to know where she is going, but even if you did is that enough? Would that resolve anything or would you still be wondering if you can trust her? How long does that air tag need to be in her car? A day, a week a month a year? How long do you want to be looking over your shoulder wondering if she is loyal? More importantly how much dignity do you lose when you find yourself doing that?
I have had women cheat on me and I agree it sucks. But relationships can get into this unhealthy zone and I think you are in that right now, where almost any choice you make, makes it worse. If you do eventually find out conclusively that she is cheating on you, then what? You break up, but that could take months or more to figure out and in the mean time your day to day life still sucks. More importantly what if you don't find conclusive evidence? What if you just have a lot of unanswered questions? How long do you want to live like that? Why not just break up right now? Why prelong this? Save yourself all of the needless drama. Some relationships don't work out, I don't think you need an air tag to know this one isn't working out.
You have enough information, you aren't happy in this relationship, she isn't happy in this relationship, its time to move on. Is this any way to live?
But the sooner you end things here with this woman, the sooner you can find someone else who is a better fit who you trust, who is worth building a life together with.
Break up with this woman and move on. End this relationship with dignity like a grown up man.
Steps to recover a marriage during and after an affair.
1. Gather concrete proof of the affair
2. Tell the spouse to end the affair and to write a no-contact letter to the affair partner
3. If (s)he refuses, expose the affair to friends and family all at once and ask for their help to end it. If a workplace affair, inform the workplace
4. Meanwhile, even though spouse will say they hate you, carry out a plan of being the best spouse you can be, committing to improving the relationship and making the changes you need to be a better partner. Remind them of why you fell in love together through your actions (even if affair is ongoing)
5. If the affair continues to the point that your mental health suffers, separate physically and go to Plan B, which is totally dark. No contact except through an intermediary.
6. This together puts so much pressure on the affair partners that it's common for both to "wake up" from the fantasy, blame each other for their misery, and end the affair.
7. When the affair ends, commit to creating a new marriage of openness, better communication, more together time and meeting each others' emotional needs.
This is not my advice, it comes from Dr Willard Harvey, who specializes in recovering marriages from infidelity. It's a hard path and has to be done exactly, in the right order, but it works for many. Doing it half assed won't.
Steps to recover a marriage during and after an affair.
1. Gather concrete proof of the affair
2. Tell the spouse to end the affair and write a no-contact letter to the affair partner
3. If (s)he refuses, expose the affair to friends and family all at once and ask for their help to end it. If a workplace affair, inform the workplace
4. Meanwhile, even though spouse will say they hate you, carry out a plan of being the best spouse you can be, committing to improving the relationship and making the changes you need to to be a better spouse. Remind them of why you fell in love together through your actions (even if affair is ongoing)
5. If the affair continues to the point that your mental health suffers, separate physically and go to Plan B, which is totally dark. No contact except through an intermediary.
6. This together puts so much pressure on the affair partners that it's common for both to "wake up" from the fantasy, blame each other for their misery, and end the affair.
7. When the affair ends, commit to creating a new marriage of openness, better communication, more together time and meeting each others' emotional needs.
This is not my advice, it comes from Dr Willard Harvey, who specializes in recovering marriages from infidelity. It's a hard path and has to be done exactly, in the right order, but it works for many. Doing it half assed won't.
Step 4 is laughable - the person WHO WAS CHEATED ON has to do what????? Uh, hell effin' NO to that!
So... using a movie here as an example... should Anne Archer have to bust her ass to be the 'best spouse she can be' because Michael Douglas was being a selfish by boinking Glenn Close? What did Anne Archer do to deserve that garbage? How was she a 'bad' spouse?
No... only two steps. Step 1 - get the proof. Step 2 - get the divorce.
Step 4 is laughable - the person WHO WAS CHEATED ON has to do what????? Uh, hell effin' NO to that!
So... using a movie here as an example... should Anne Archer have to bust her ass to be the 'best spouse she can be' because Michael Douglas was being a selfish by boinking Glenn Close? What did Anne Archer do to deserve that garbage? How was she a 'bad' spouse?
No... only two steps. Step 1 - get the proof. Step 2 - get the divorce.
Well, there is a Step 3 - never look back.
I don't know why you are yelling at ME, it's not my advice. Like I said, it's hard. But part of ending an affair is to give the wandering spouse something they want to come home to. And you can't repair a marriage while an affair is going on. So number-one priority is to end the affair and get the spouse back home by any means necessary so the repair work can begin. The approach is not emotional, it's based on a psychological assessment of human behavior.
Of course this is only useful if you're serious about repairing the marriage.
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by boinking Glenn Close? What did Anne Archer do to deserve that garbage? How was she a 'bad' spouse?