Is My Wife Cheating? (dating, married, spouse, divorce)
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After spending the night at a "girlfriends" house that you don't even know would be enough for me. Why didn't you get called to pick her up? There is very much an appearance of impropriety. The phone thingy is also a red flag, she has something to hide.
Your timeline seems really rapid here. You said "the last week or so." For her to suggest breaks, go out with a friend and spend the night, missing texts, etc. then start to to pay more attention to you all in one week?
To me the biggest red flag here is guarding her phone and her nervousness about you looking at it. Perhaps she was concerned she hadn't completely scrubbed it or that a text would come in you shouldn't see.
Not knowing what the texts said, it is probably suspicious since they are missing now. Those texts might be related to the night she spent with a friend.
I suspect the suggestion of breaks and and even a house as an investment are coming from her new friend. Where did she meet the new girlfriend? My guess is she's single and looking for a drinking/carousing buddy.
The cooking and sex could mean she regrets her actions and is focusing on you and your marriage now.
As far as the angry denial when you asked her, we don't know how your wife typically acts. Was it out of character for her to be hostile? For some people that would be a normal reaction.
It sounds like something happened that night she was away. It might not have been sex, but something....
Look at the cell phone bill. Has her texting increased dramatically since this all started? On our bill, you can't see the numbers texted, but you can see the number of incoming/outgoing texts. Look for some new patterns.
To me, the night out at some unknown friend, the disappearing texts, the nonstop texting, are all pretty suspicious. And the hostile reaction to being confronted about it is the cherry on top of that cake.
If you put yourself in the position of someone who has done absolutely nothing wrong, and who gets asked by their partner (who otherwise doesn't have a history of constantly picking at them for such things, I'm assuming) if they're seeing someone else, what would be your reaction?
I know that for me, that would be a sign of trouble. I would take that very seriously because I'd be just then realizing that my partner has started to doubt me and this may very well jeopardize the whole relationship. I'd know very well that I can't just bully them out of their suspicions. So my reaction would be more about being understanding and genuinely trying to understand what lead them to think that. Am I being reckless with their trust? Is there something I'm doing, something I've said, how can I fix it?
That'd be, I imagine, the reaction of someone who doesn't reflexively become defensive because they know they have something to hide.
You are being sneaky as well. You may justify it to yourself, but you are.
That's the blind trust doctrine that everyone constantly gets treated to.
You think your partner is acting suspiciously? Well guess what, that makes you the problem! You should trust them, and now you're not. Abandon all intuition and accumulated experience about how people behave. Any step you take to verify that the person you're investing your life into is being honest with you are just as bad as the transgression you suspect.
That's just foolishness. I remember when I discovered definitive proof that my ex had been cheating on my for months by looking through her e-mails. She had the audacity to call me out on having violated her privacy. The gold.
Know why I had to go to that length to find the truth? Because she lied to my face shamelessly this whole time. And when you're noticing changes in the way your partner is acting, but they're constantly denying it, calling you crazy, and throwing tantrums, you literally do start going crazy. Because you're being lied to about what your senses are telling you. And that's a form of abuse.
So I'd tell this guy, if you turn out to be wrong, then you can feel bad about it, and question yourself: why have you become so suspicious of your partner, how can you restore trust, etc. But if he turns out to be right, there's nothing to be sorry about. He'll have just legitimately protected himself.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by adamexe
That's the blind trust doctrine that everyone constantly gets treated to.
You think your partner is acting suspiciously? Well guess what, that makes you the problem! You should trust them, and now you're not. Abandon all intuition and accumulated experience about how people behave. Any step you take to verify that the person you're investing your life into is being honest with you are just as bad as the transgression you suspect.
That's just foolishness. I remember when I discovered definitive proof that my ex had been cheating on my for months by looking through her e-mails. She had the audacity to call me out on having violated her privacy. The gold.
Know why I had to go to that length to find the truth? Because she lied to my face shamelessly this whole time. And when you're noticing changes in the way your partner is acting, but they're constantly denying it, calling you crazy, and throwing tantrums, you literally do start going crazy. Because you're being lied to about what your senses are telling you. And that's a form of abuse.
So I'd tell this guy, if you turn out to be wrong, then you can feel bad about it, and question yourself: why have you become so suspicious of your partner, how can you restore trust, etc. But if he turns out to be right, there's nothing to be sorry about. He'll have just legitimately protected himself.
If you don't trust them, right or wrong, it's over.
So just end it, then none of this crap. If someone accuses someone of cheating, it's already over. If the person is cheating, it's over. If they're not, the person falsely accused should end it as they're not trusted. Either way it's over.
Not blind trust, but if the trust is lost, the relationship is over. There is no real restoration of trust, IMO.
And that "blind trust doctrine" is wrong. I never said or implied he should trust her, he doesn't, it's over.
If you don't trust them, right or wrong, it's over.
So just end it, then none of this crap. If someone accuses someone of cheating, it's already over. If the person is cheating, it's over. If they're not, the person falsely accused should end it as they're not trusted. Either way it's over.
Not blind trust, but if the trust is lost, the relationship is over. There is no real restoration of trust, IMO.
I think that's a very simplistic view of what trust is but you do you.
You're treating this as sacred. According to your logic, even without the spying, trust is already lost. What lead to the spying is the fact that there was suspicion. Suspicion implies that trust is at least shaken.
Trust can be shaken for a number of reasons, quite plausibly, misunderstandings and lack of communication. It can also be fixed. If every time you have doubts about your partner, your reaction is to think "well it's over now", and walk away without asking questions, because doing so would mean the relationship is over anyway, then huh... you're just putting yourself in a position where you're forced to have, yes, blind trust.
Quote:
And that "blind trust doctrine" is wrong. I never said or implied he should trust her, he doesn't, it's over.
And you're declaring it over because he exhibited less than blind trust in her. Which is what I'm saying.
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742
That is an accusation in every single way.
It's not an idle curiosity question. Like, are you cheating and would you like to ski in the alps some day?
Come on.
So no blind trust, but asking questions is off limits.
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