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Why can't you be honest about how you feel about the expenditures? If she's a keeper she will adjust her expectations. The hockey for her birthday isn't much, but perhaps you should tell her that because of xmas expenses that you will need to cut back on entertainment for dining out and other entertainment. Do not be extravagant on xmas presents for her either. It's too soon in the relationship.
Does she make a lot less money than you? Because otherwise there's no reason for her not to pay her own way most of the time. I am a woman. If I liked someone it was never based on what they bought me. I was capable of paying my own way. It's called self respect.
Long story short, I've been dating a girl for about 6 months who is quite expensive (for me). I pay for most things when we go out to the tune of probably 600-700 dollars a month for entertainment. Her birthday is coming up in December, she really wants to go to a hockey game and tickets are ~$150 each in addition to a nice dinner and I'm sure other stuff. I hate hockey. Haven't watched a single game all the way through in my life. To add, Christmas is coming I'm going to be buying presents for like 7 nieces and nephews plus 6 or 7 adults. I make decent money, (we both do) but I am the opposite of a spender. Currently debating if I want to continue the relationship after the holidays because of spending differences (among other reasons), so I'm questioning whether I should find a way to get out of going/spending a lot of money on her or just suck it up and pay because it's her birthday and the holidays.
She's nice and the relationship has been fine for the most part, so I don't want to bail on her right before birthday and during the holiday, but this month will hurt more than most Decembers. And because I've been planning a trip in January and trying to save a bit as well, it will impede the budget I have for that. What do you think?
If you have been dating exclusively for six months, you should have already discussed money. I always offer to pay for my part or split the bill. My philosophy is if we both pay, we can do more. I like doing activities that I like and eating at my favorite restaurants and some new ones. I do not expect my man to pay for everything. If he can afford and wants to pay for everything, I am most gracious. Talk about money now and decide if she is a keeper.
It doesn't seem like she's a gold-digger necessarily, seems like she's just a little looser with the purse strings. Unfortunately since you're not married it's mostly your money that's being spent. It's a lot of money but not an insanely extravagant amount.
I would just make something up and cancel the hockey game, do the dinner somewhere less pricey, ratchet the spending down to your comfort level, and if she goes cold at all (let alone complains) or ends it then you have your answer on what her priorities are and where the relationship was heading. Money disagreements are the #1 cause of divorce.
But given your time together I think it's worth floating a trial balloon and seeing what happens. It's never happened to me, but if a woman I was dating ever complained about money / my spending, even subtly passive aggressively or indirectly, it would be next stop dumpsville.
The best relationships I've had I probably spent $0-50 per hangout on average, often <$20 (maybe $30 adjusted for inflation) and with the woman often paying (eating her food, drinking her liquor, or she would proactively buy tickets for something and I would pay for gas and hotel, etc). And if I/we spent a lot on something, it was something we both really wanted to do. I was never asked / suggested to spend for things I didn't comparably like.
If she's crazy about her b-day that's usually not a good sign IMO; women in general celebrate them more but I mean like a birthday-zilla.
Hating something that you've never experienced is not rational. Break up with her today so that she can find an adult to date.
I don't hate hockey, I've been to games before and watched on TV. It's fine, but it does nothing for me. And I do like sports and attending events, just the ones I enjoy and actually understand. $200+ for an event I likely won't enjoy kind of passes the threshold for me, even for special occasions.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SnazzyB
I don't know why you can't adjust her expectations. "Honey, December is an expensive month, what with Christmas, and my trip in January. Those hockey tickets just aren't feasible right now."
You say she's nice, and you like her...so why not just curb the spending some?
She is nice. As far as the game goes, I did mention this to her actually now and she seems understanding, but I know it definitely is a bit of a let down because she doesn't have a ton of friends to go with instead. As far as general expenditures go, I also brought this up as well early on in the relationship. There was a slight adjustment, and she started buying lunch or drinks every now and again, but I still pay for 80-90% of things, despite making similar money. Admittedly, she is more "traditional" and she does not like to budget.
And it's really not that I can't afford these things (she knows this because we make similar money), it's that I still have the mentality of a person who makes much, much less than what I actually do because I've only been here under a year. And I like that because it means I can easily save money for other goals. Trying to avoid lifestyle creep. She's been at this level for years and has become fully accustomed to this type of spending and is definitely "bougie" on the spectrum of spenders. Dinner and drinks and sporting events are one thing, but I dread going on a vacation with her somewhere in the future. She likes to make up for it in other ways and is quite thoughtful, but yeah, traditional I guess.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katnan
How much do the other reasons factor into this?
.
Like 60% spending and money, 40% other. All very improvable, I am just kind of running out of patience.
Long story short, I've been dating a girl for about 6 months who is quite expensive (for me). I pay for most things when we go out to the tune of probably 600-700 dollars a month for entertainment. Her birthday is coming up in December, she really wants to go to a hockey game and tickets are ~$150 each in addition to a nice dinner and I'm sure other stuff. I hate hockey. Haven't watched a single game all the way through in my life. To add, Christmas is coming I'm going to be buying presents for like 7 nieces and nephews plus 6 or 7 adults. I make decent money, (we both do) but I am the opposite of a spender. Currently debating if I want to continue the relationship after the holidays because of spending differences (among other reasons), so I'm questioning whether I should find a way to get out of going/spending a lot of money on her or just suck it up and pay because it's her birthday and the holidays.
She's nice and the relationship has been fine for the most part, so I don't want to bail on her right before birthday and during the holiday, but this month will hurt more than most Decembers. And because I've been planning a trip in January and trying to save a bit as well, it will impede the budget I have for that. What do you think?
You could try being authentic and honest, and say you can't afford the hockey game just now, due to family obligations for the holidays, which always strain your budget. There's nothing wrong with that, OP. Some people would find it admirable, or at least would be understanding. And how she reacts may help you decide whether to stay with her or not, depending.
Really, she can go to the hockey game alone or with a friend, if it's that important to her. You can come up with other activities you two can bond over, that are inexpensive. Isn't that what the Christmas spirit is about, in part? See if your local museum is having some kind of holiday event for patrons, or go to an old-fashioned holiday movie, or go ice-skating.
Again; how well she goes with your flow will tell you important things about her character. If she cares about you, she'll be fine with it. She'll also get the message, that there's a limit to your budget, which is an important thing for her to know. There's nothing wrong with being honest about it, and a lot right with it.
I don't hate hockey, I've been to games before and watched on TV. It's fine, but it does nothing for me. And I do like sports and attending events, just the ones I enjoy and actually understand. $200+ for an event I likely won't enjoy kind of passes the threshold for me, even for special occasions.
She is nice. As far as the game goes, I did mention this to her actually now and she seems understanding, but I know it definitely is a bit of a let down because she doesn't have a ton of friends to go with instead. As far as general expenditures go, I also brought this up as well early on in the relationship. There was a slight adjustment, and she started buying lunch or drinks every now and again, but I still pay for 80-90% of things, despite making similar money. Admittedly, she is more "traditional" and she does not like to budget.
And it's really not that I can't afford these things (she knows this because we make similar money), it's that I still have the mentality of a person who makes much, much less than what I actually do because I've only been here under a year. And I like that because it means I can easily save money for other goals. Trying to avoid lifestyle creep. She's been at this level for years and has become fully accustomed to this type of spending and is definitely "bougie" on the spectrum of spenders. Dinner and drinks and sporting events are one thing, but I dread going on a vacation with her somewhere in the future. She likes to make up for it in other ways and is quite thoughtful, but yeah, traditional I guess.
Like 60% spending and money, 40% other. All very improvable, I am just kind of running out of patience.
That’s perfectly reasonable.
At 6 months, the novelty is wearing off and reality is creeping in. Now is the time to assess if this relationship is meeting your needs. Running out of patience for these combined issues, is a sign.
At 6 months, the novelty is wearing off and reality is creeping in. Now is the time to assess if this relationship is meeting your needs. Running out of patience for these combined issues, is a sign.
Good point. And OP: she doesn't like to budget? While you like to save for the future,and for certain goals? Not a good sign. It's a good thing you're noticing these things now.
And as you explained to us earlier, you really can't afford an expensive hockey evening, due to Christmas obligations. That's very understandable. It sounds like you're trying now to backtrack on that statement, or maybe you meant, that most of the time you can afford to spend $700 on entertainment, just not in December.
In any case, it's not unreasonable to explain to her that you need to dial back the spending this month. That would show her, that you have fiscal discipline, for one thing, which is important (for some people anyway), and that you value family and do your part, also a good thing. If you both make the same amount, she could spring for the hockey tickets for both of you, and you could cover dinner. You could make that offer, and see what she says. Again--perfectly reasonable.
If you're a saver, and she is perfectly happy spending her and your money as fast as it comes in - ask yourself, do I really want to hitch my wagon to this star? Money is one of the biggest problems that break up couples.
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