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OP is going to go through the holidays with her because OP doesn't want to be single through the holidays. There's parties to attend and he wants the arm candy.
If she is just arm candy, I don’t think he’d be in a relationship of six months with her (or appear so angsty about what to do). When folks date casually, they don’t spin themselves in circles over it. In fact, that’s the point of dating casually i.e. avoiding drama/issues re: money, marriage talk and so on.
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Originally Posted by pathrunner
OP please don't ruin her birthday and Christmas/New Year's over this. That would create really bad memories and triggers in the future.
I think lies, deception (and speaking of the ‘Expensive Girl’ on a thread) all have the potential to hurt her more than simply being honest about where he is at with the relationship. He’s not responsible for how she handles it nor is it an excuse for him to (continue to) be dishonest with her; and, for all we know, she’s not happy with him either. It’s been six months, not sixteen years; it’s not the end of the world for either one of them - or at least, it shouldn’t be.
That said, we don’t know much about the woman - only what the OP has portrayed; and it certainly appears he is the one who has some emotional triggers or hot-button issues re: gender roles, money and so on. Else, he simply wouldn’t have continued to spend money on her if he was dissatisfied with her lack of participation and the relationship, as a whole.
Point well taken, I just don't think he should lower the boom (end the relationship) right now unless he's absolutely done. Only he knows whether he's ready for that or not. Do the hockey game OR a dinner, but not both. Follow through with a reasonable Christmas gift (one that satisfies his wallet/mind and something she likes), while having "the talk," or having it by the end of the year. I actually think the serious talk should come before Christmas, so she doesn't expect some lavish gift and get let down based on his past behavior. He doesn't know how she will actually react to the talk, he's only guessing at this point while saying she's expensive.
As someone who isn't into sports at all, I'm fine with a guy going alone or with other friends. I'm also fine going somewhere without him if he's not interested. OP needs to get straight on that policy because it IS going to come up in relationships and definitely marriage.
Last edited by pathrunner; 12-04-2022 at 03:10 PM..
Op, if you are this frustrated now, think about how bad it will be when you are trying to pull it all together to pay for her birthday requests and Christmas.
I actually think the serious talk should come before Christmas, so she doesn't expect some lavish gift and get let down based on his past behavior.
You’re as concerned about (the expectation of) spending money as the OP. While I agree with you OP needs to have ‘the talk’ sooner rather than later, we don’t agree as to why. It’s relative to honesty and communication more than anything; else, he’s lying to her (and discussing his discontent) for another month.
Point well taken, I just don't think he should lower the boom (end the relationship) right now unless he's absolutely done. Only he knows whether he's ready for that or not. Do the hockey game OR a dinner, but not both. Follow through with a reasonable Christmas gift (one that satisfies his wallet/mind and something she likes), while having "the talk," or having it by the end of the year. I actually think the serious talk should come before Christmas, so she doesn't expect some lavish gift and get let down based on his past behavior. He doesn't know how she will actually react to the talk, he's only guessing at this point while saying she's expensive.
As someone who isn't into sports at all, I'm fine with a guy going alone or with other friends. I'm also fine going somewhere without him if he's not interested. OP needs to get straight on that policy because it IS going to come up in relationships and definitely marriage.
She shouldn't be expecting a lavish gift in addition to a nice b-day dinner, IF he's told her his discretionary money is already tied up in family obligations for the holidays. They've only been dating 6 months; why would she expect a lavish gift, anyway? Are these expectations really coming from her, or is he (or are some of us) making these assumptions?
As I said in the early part of the thread, he should be true to himself. He can let her know he's planning a nice dinner for her birthday, but for the rest of the month, his money is tied up in family holiday commitments. That is showing her who he is; he's a family kind of guy. He can add an "I'm sure you can understand" to his announcement. Honestly, what's he afraid of? If she's a great gal, she'll be fine with it. If she's not a great gal, she won't be, and then he'll have more info to factor into deciding whether he wants to keep dating her.
And then, if he wants to surprise her with a modest Xmas gift, he can.
OP, you know what comes after New Year's, don't you? Hint: February? Valentine's Day! You'd better be clear on how you feel about this relationship or dateship before the dreaded day... Otherwise you'll be on the hook for some major lovey-dovey gestures.
You’re as concerned about (the expectation of) spending money as the OP. While I agree with you OP needs to have ‘the talk’ sooner rather than later, we don’t agree as to why. It’s relative to honesty and communication more than anything; else, he’s lying to her (and discussing his discontent) for another month.
I don't understand your post at all. We are actually in agreement. Of course honesty and communications is extremely important, I don't see how that was unclear in my posts! I said "while" things are going on (the birthday, Christmas).
I especially don't understand your first sentence. Please clarify
She shouldn't be expecting a lavish gift in addition to a nice b-day dinner, IF he's told her his discretionary money is already tied up in family obligations for the holidays. They've only been dating 6 months; why would she expect a lavish gift, anyway? Are these expectations really coming from her, or is he (or are some of us) making these assumptions?
As I said in the early part of the thread, he should be true to himself. He can let her know he's planning a nice dinner for her birthday, but for the rest of the month, his money is tied up in family holiday commitments. That is showing her who he is; he's a family kind of guy. He can add an "I'm sure you can understand" to his announcement. Honestly, what's he afraid of? If she's a great gal, she'll be fine with it. If she's not a great gal, she won't be, and then he'll have more info to factor into deciding whether he wants to keep dating her.
And then, if he wants to surprise her with a modest Xmas gift, he can.
OP, you know what comes after New Year's, don't you? Hint: February? Valentine's Day! You'd better be clear on how you feel about this relationship or dateship before the dreaded day... Otherwise you'll be on the hook for some major lovey-dovey gestures.
Clarifying that I meant a nice dinner OR the hockey game for her birthday, and a reasonably priced not lavish gift for Christmas. I had just started dating the cheapskate on February 1. We understood that a traditional Valentine's Day was inappropriate. I gave him a nice friendship card, and another silly card from my dogs. Then we went to dinner as usual (he had expensive taste in restaurants but that was the extent of it and that was his choice, not mine).
OP's relationship will have been going on for 8-9 months by Valentine's Day, so by then he should know whether he's going forward with the relationship or not. A very nice not extravagant gift is completely appropriate for a relationship of that duration. Especially if he's decided to take it to the next level, and that next level is going well in terms of understanding each other and being basically on the same page.
Oh...yeah...I can see that. But still...I don't understand when all things being equal...THIS is what would cause a break up. I could see it if they'd argued about it before, and she's been unreasonable, but it sounds like she doesn't even know that he's feeling a budget crunch, and he's afraid to just communicate with her.
Seems to me she should know that expecting someone to spend hundreds of dollars a month to keep her entertained while she doesn't chip in a dime is not usually considered socially-acceptable. I am wracking my brain trying to think if I know anyone "nice" who expects someone else to always pay their way, especially when large amounts of money are involved. But my guess is that she is very "hot" and has men who will happily do this for her-- OP included-- and that any suggestion by OP to not spend so much will lead to a temper tantrum from her (then again, maybe it'll also make her dump OP, and would solve the problem).
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Originally Posted by guawazi
Don't get me wrong, I'm totally up for doing something nice for her birthday, just perplexed as to why it had to be something not enjoyable to me, and very expensive. .
Well, because it's her birthday. Now, if she wanted to do it on your birthday, that might be problematic. But if you're going to have a problem with doing something with someone, on their birthday, that they're really into, just because you're not really into it... then I guess you'll need to find someone who has exactly all of the same interests you have. Reminds me of a Dear Abby letter recently where a person was mad that they offered to treat a friend to dinner on their birthday and then the friend wanted to pick the place. If I'm celebrating someone's birthday with them, it is ABSOLUTELY all about them and what they want to do. That's the point of it-- treating them to something special they really enjoy. After all, I spend money on a gift a person would like even if I'm not really into it-- I don't get mad if what they want isn't something I also like.
If you don't want to go to the game, buy her a ticket and tell her to have fun.
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Originally Posted by CorporateCowboy
There’s a huge distinction between being a gentleman vs. an idiot, particularly relative to his own choices. He states he is the (only) one spending money on the relationship; and, if true, it is clearly eating at him. Yet, he doesn’t want to address it as an adult face-to-face (or end the relationship); hence he whines about it in a forum in re: her birthday, no less! It substantially weakens his argument, from my perspective; the red flag is waving in his direction as well. She can’t force him to spend money he doesn’t want to spend, lol.
Yup. I'm not sure what's "gentlemanly" about stringing someone along who you don't really want to be with. Seems to me a "gentleman" would be honest, rather than secretly seething and complaining about a woman on the internet.
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Originally Posted by jmking
It could be that she has offered to pay but he can not bring himself to allow her to do so....I know a few like that.
Then I guess it's time to stop complaining, if he purposely made the situation...
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Originally Posted by guawazi
Maybe because I try to be a good person and am considering her feelings despite my discontent.
How do you think she would feel to be going along in what she thinks is a happy relationship, but in reality the man she's with is counting the days until he can dump her?
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Originally Posted by CorporateCowboy
If she is just arm candy, I don’t think he’d be in a relationship of six months with her (or appear so angsty about what to do). When folks date casually, they don’t spin themselves in circles over it. In fact, that’s the point of dating casually i.e. avoiding drama/issues re: money, marriage talk and so on.
Oh, no. We've had plenty of men here (and I've known plenty in real life) who keep hanging onto a woman they complain about incessantly-- she's a jerk, she treats him badly, she's shallow, she's unintelligent, etc.-- and when you suggest they end the relationship, then, their response is "oh no I can't, she's so hot/the sex is so good." We've had whole threads of angst about their relationship, until usually finally those who respond just decide they're done because their advice to DTMFA is falling on deaf ears.
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