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O/P/sit down with yourself and think (honestly) about what you want a woman for. As a 40 something, single, never married male I would assume you have a rather complete life already. So my guess is you really want some steady boon-boom and a bit of pillow talk after that sort of balances a man out. If that is true this might be about the best relationship of your life, if you set expectations on both sides.
You should openly state that you believe her children should be her priority and that you understand that it best for children of all ages not to have mom’s boyfriend(s) in their life, so you understand that your relationship will be on the QT. Likely she will appreciate that and that should set a tone. On your end expect to do a lot of texting, a lot of late night phone calls and be available to just listen to her when she needs to unload.
And listening is the key. Learn to listen and do not do the reflexive man thing and try and fix her problems (unless it is clogged sink),just listen – likely that is what she wants, not mansplaining or advice. You also need to learn the art of chocolate on her door handle and notes on her windshield, those silly things that make her feel like a woman who is attractive to a man, a stark contrast to the exhausting life of a mom. If you do that, “light her fire” and be her escape she won’t even notice how every time you get together there is boom-boom and she likely will not notice that you are keeping your heart in box on the shelf.
And on your end just enjoy it for what it is, a casual (on your end) with a sweet lady who has no business looking for a substantive relationship. Enjoy your time together, but do not lose your heart. You would have to be a special type of stupid to lose your heart to her. The long term amounts to a lifetime of events with her children with somebody else, grandkids that will never be yours etc, etc. As I said a lifelong bachelor like you would have to be a special type of stupid to sign up for a real relationship with this stacked deck, but from a guy’s perspective this could be an ideal interim relationship.
These things usually last a few years, then she will look ahead to her future once the kids are gone and likely will look to you to fill the void in her life; meaning all those interests and hobbies you enjoyed while she was being mom will now be expected to be thrown aside so the two of you can do all the things she wants to do now that she no longer has to be mom all the time. At that point she will push to suddenly normalize your relationship but you should stand your ground. Once she grasps you are not going to reorg your life simply because she is no longer a mom, you can amicably terminate the relationship so she can find someone more suitable.
I see no downside in this for you as long as you keep your heart in check, are willing emotionally support her, which single mom’s need a lot of, and adjust your expectations. Be honest and caring, but steel your heart. The positive is you will have ample time to engage your interests without all the relationship drama. Just realize you will be expected to listen to her drama. Take it on the chin and be thankful it is not your drama.
However if she is the type who wants you involved with her kids – run.
Wow! I usually agree with your posts, but this one is in poor taste.
You very elaborately detailed how it would be an opportunity for this man to use this woman until she wants more of a relationship, and then he should bail. Nope. If he doesn’t want a relationship with her, he should let her seek that out now and not get involved. That would be the more compassionate thing to do.
OP, this could be a good thing as long as you’re good with hanging out with her kids once in a while. They’re old enough that you’d just be a positive male, but not be expected be a dad. I’m thinking more of the dynamic of a coach or youth pastor in a kid’s life.
However, it’s important to confirm that she can financially handle her kids and isn’t hoping to have you supplement that and that the kids are all from the same dad.
Once upon a time I had a stepmother who did not want to be a stepmother. She saw neither opportunity nor obligation in her status. It was simply something in her life she didn't want. My natural father was unsupportive and I was told to simply "get along".
Man, I wouldn't wish that life on a snake. It was awful. After I graduated from high school I was expected to find my own way in life, so that's what I did.
We are not in this world alone. Dating someone's mother is serious, serious business, whether you are a man or woman. You are not dating that one person.
They have both died, now. I do not have a single fond memory of them.
I dated a few divorced ladies with kids at home. Mostly it was a good time for both of us, but, marriage was never on the table. We both knew that at the get-go.
So I'll just say it depends on both your expectations. Honest communication would help.
Once upon a time I had a stepmother who did not want to be a stepmother. She saw neither opportunity nor obligation in her status. It was simply something in her life she didn't want. My natural father was unsupportive and I was told to simply "get along".
Man, I wouldn't wish that life on a snake. It was awful. After I graduated from high school I was expected to find my own way in life, so that's what I did.
We are not in this world alone. Dating someone's mother is serious, serious business, whether you are a man or woman. You are not dating that one person.
They have both died, now. I do not have a single fond memory of them.
Heartbreaking - not even one special memory? Just one?
Anything at all?
How could they?
Heartbreaking - not even one special memory? Just one?
Anything at all?
How could they?
Not a single one. As far as I know there was never a picture of me or memento in the home. His obituary made no mention of me.
It was evidently easy for them. I was sent off to the navy after high school and never allowed to return home to visit. I stayed in the navy 9 years and during that time they never inquired where I was going to spend Christmas or perhaps come home to visit. I went off to Vietnam without even a valid place listed to send my body - I had just made up an address.
They stopped writing when I was about 20.
I saw them once when I was about 32, but never again.
The secret: My father was a pedophile whose victim was my half sister. I was not aware of his actions when it happened (she is older), but he was always afraid I might know something and say something. Getting rid of me was crucial to his world not becoming unraveled as the truth may be revealed. My half sister never spoke up and accused him. We have spoken of the event in vague terms, but I have never had the courage to ask her for details. She is now 81; I am 78.
And yet when It came my turn, I fell in love with a woman with 2 daughters. We celebrate our 33 anniversary tomorrow with my stepdaughters, who are now in their 50's.
Still, I caution all who care to see it; be careful about dating someone's parent.
Not a single one. As far as I know there was never a picture of me or memento in the home. His obituary made no mention of me.
It was evidently easy for them. I was sent off to the navy after high school and never allowed to return home to visit. I stayed in the navy 9 years and during that time they never inquired where I was going to spend Christmas or perhaps come home to visit. I went off to Vietnam without even a valid place listed to send my body - I had just made up an address.
They stopped writing when I was about 20.
I saw them once when I was about 32, but never again.
The secret: My father was a pedophile whose victim was my half sister. I was not aware of his actions when it happened (she is older), but he was always afraid I might know something and say something. Getting rid of me was crucial to his world not becoming unraveled as the truth may be revealed. My half sister never spoke up and accused him. We have spoken of the event in vague terms, but I have never had the courage to ask her for details. She is now 81; I am 78.
And yet when It came my turn, I fell in love with a woman with 2 daughters. We celebrate our 33 anniversary tomorrow with my stepdaughters, who are now in their 50's.
Still, I caution all who care to see it; be careful about dating someone's parent.
Thank you for sharing: glad that life has rewarded you with your own great family life..
We should be kind to each other as we have no way of knowing what harms people suffered through no fault of their own..
Only in America do men even consider such questions. With 90% of Women in the dating pool fighting over 5% of available man, this is what the other men have come up with for a solution. Asking questions like this. NO man, don’t date or get involved with someone else’s problem. Pickup your game, get in shape, get your act together and go find a nice available, childless woman to date. Her bad choices in life shouldn’t be your problem. Come on dudes, really!!!
Only in America do men even consider such questions. With 90% of Women in the dating pool fighting over 5% of available man, this is what the other men have come up with for a solution. Asking questions like this. NO man, don’t date or get involved with someone else’s problem. Pickup your game, get in shape, get your act together and go find a nice available, childless woman to date. Her bad choices in life shouldn’t be your problem. Come on dudes, really!!!
And yet, most people end up coupled up, in spite of the fact that the majority aren’t the “top 5% of men.” I recall a few of those guys that thought they were that way, back when I was single. There is no way I would have spent any time with them at all. Character matters way more than some arrogant man thinking he’s top 5% could realize.
And yet, most people end up coupled up, in spite of the fact that the majority aren’t the “top 5% of men.” I recall a few of those guys that thought they were that way, back when I was single. There is no way I would have spent any time with them at all. Character matters way more than some arrogant man thinking he’s top 5% could realize.
Well what’s happening in the dating market since social media and dating apps came around as women get a lot of attention on there. So if you’re a good looking guy who has his stuff together, it’s literally a never ending playground for you. Only the women don’t realize this. So the “top 5%“ of men on there are literally sleeping with countless women. The women then get inflated egos because after all they are humans. And they think this is the norm. After they’ve been ran through about a dozen times they start figuring out that none of these guys intend to stay with them or date them seriously. Lol then they go find some poor average gullible man. And “settle down” until their overwhelming desire to have “top 5 percenter” takes over and they cheat. We see this story playing out everywhere today. The consensus out there is that porn ruined men, and social media is ruining women. This is not a bash on women. This is human nature. We are all to some extent ego driven creatures. If I create all these different social media accounts and women are just throwing themselves at me and I’m getting hundreds of messages and hundreds of offers, of course it’s gonna go to my head. This is what is happening with literally every day average looking women. And it goes to their heads and they think there’s something they’re not. The end result is the dating pool still works itself out. These women get played countless times until hopefully they realize, “hey I’m average I should probably try dating an average man that will stick around”
I have been writing back and forth with someone on a dating site. She's attractive and we have quite a few things in common and we're around the same age (40ish). Come to find out, she said that she has four kids, ages from 10-18. She seems like a good mom and is involved with their activities and they seem to stay out of trouble.
With that being said, I have little experience dating moms. I thought maybe I'd be open to dating a mom with one kid, or with multiple older kids, but didn't think I'd hit it off with a mom of four.
People will say that moms will put their kids first and I'm okay with that as I'm not really looking for someone to be available all the time. I had dates with a couple of women without kids recently and they seemed pretty self absorbed. So perhaps I should be open to dating a mom and see how it goes? Or is this just something that is typically doomed to fail? (i.e. single never married guy with no kids and divorced mom with multiple kids)
Unless you want to keep it super casual, once or twice a month, then No.
Four children, three of which are teenagers, the other one about to be? No.
If you do decide to get together, I'd advise not meeting her children or going to her house at all. Or meeting other family members.
Keep it very impersonal at first.
But rather than all that, there are plenty of women out there.
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