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Catch 22 situation.
Bringing a string of random dates into the lives of your kids is generally considered a no go. Most moms won't bring a guy around her kids until she's dated him long enough to establish that 1. he's a good man and 2. the relationship looks to be headed somewhere.
Meaning you likely won't get a chance to experience the kids and make any kind of judgments until the relationship is somewhat established.
Right! The longer you're in a relationship, the more difficult it is to walk away. By the time you figure out the dynamics, it could be a painful break up at that stage.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbleT
I don't see a problem with dating her but you need to be upfront and honest with yourself and with her about what you both want out of it. If the idea is that a long term relationship is possible you both need to do some real soul searching and communicating UPFRONT. E-Twist brings up a few good starting points.
Good points. Best to have that discussion early even at the risk of being presumptuous. There is no use wasting anyone's time.
Before you get involved, make sure she has the resources to take care of her kids by herself at least to some degree. Besides from all the time commitments required with somebody else's kids, it's tough to get in too deep and realize that you are basically serving as a bank machine for her.
That's the catch 22....how do you really know until you're in deep?
It may be 15 years before all of the kids are out of the house.
To the ones that think they aren't an outcast, how about when the whole family is there. The parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, children, grandchildren? People that have known each other for their entire lives usually don't accept the new guy as if he is family. You are not a blood relation to anyone in the group.
Now it may be different if you come from a family full of halfs and steps. I don't come a family like that and don't really know many that do.
If you want a wife with a kid, and picket fence and SUV, blah, blah, then the answer is clearly no you should not date her.
If you don't care, then there's no such thing as a waste of time. If you start dating now, and have 5 years of fun, and break up in 5 years, what did she cost you? What did you cost her?
Lots of worthwhile comment. And some nonsense.
My answer was, "Not if you have to ask others", and I stand by that. But I AM a stepfather - have been for 33 years.
I am not an "outsider". But I am not their father, either. I am the man the girls come to when they need honest-to-God help with something. They don't go to their father. But now that he is very ill and not likely to recover they do what they can to ease his pain. As a stepfather, you have to remain supportive.
The Girls addressed the end of life question with me, in private, without their mother. They wanted to assure me that if the worst were to happen to their mother, I would always have a place to go. Since I have no other family, I found the discussion very, very gratifying.
Dating someone's mother is a thing. Falling in love with someone's mother?......... That's a whole 'nother deal.
I really like how you explained this, and that was pretty much the path I followed. I never felt I was a "stepmother" but another adult "resource". I have my niche when it comes to the kids.
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It may be 15 years before all of the kids are out of the house.
To the ones that think they aren't an outcast, how about when the whole family is there. The parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, children, grandchildren? People that have known each other for their entire lives usually don't accept the new guy as if he is family. You are not a blood relation to anyone in the group.
Now it may be different if you come from a family full of halfs and steps. I don't come a family like that and don't really know many that do.
I remember when my dad was with his then-girlfriend and I happened to be at a gathering his girlfriend was hosting that consisted of her family. I recall being treated like an outcast.
Sure, you can go out with her. Maybe it would be nice to meet up. Still, you need to flip the situation upside down and ask yourself what it would be like, down the road, if you were entrenched with a woman and her family of four?
On one hand, she probably wants to feel like a normal woman and have an adult relationship. On the other, she’s bound to their every breath and need from here on out.
This is the very first question I would clear up. I raised my kids myself while working full-time and supporting them. But there are single women with kids out there that are mainly looking for someone to help pay the bills. I know someone that got involved with a woman like that, and it was not a good situation. He ended up being taken advantage of. Also, like someone else suggested, find out if the children are all from different fathers. That could indicate a character issue. Not saying rule her out, but look for red flags up front.
Good luck.
I have definitely heard of those situations where the guys were taken advantage of.
Is it rude to ask up front if they all have the same father?
I dated a woman with three kids for a relatively brief period of time (who actually dumped me).
And one of my best friends dates a woman with 2 kids now.
The truth is that women in that situation are very practical about their situation, and that they don't expect some chump they just met to be the father/carer for their children. That's the thinking of people who haven't been in that situation.
In my experience, many women in that situation just want someone to kick it with and see where it goes.
They've already done the 'nuclear family' thing and they're typically not in any rush.
At least in my experience.
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