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Well with people you don't actually date, you probably don't know. You can identify who wouldn't work, but not necessarily who would. In general social settings you only see what part of a person they want to show. That is true of early dating, of course, but in time people reveal more.
Yeah that's the thing though, I always had an awful lot of "nope" triggers. Younger me didn't even want a serious relationship at all so it hardly mattered, but I had no real skills with boundaries. So my first husband just kinda pushed that on me regardless, and then hammered into my head that what he wanted was just...right...and whatever I wanted if it didn't align with that, was wrong and made me a bad person.
After that, though, I also wasn't in a hurry to commit to a LTR, but I wasn't 100% against it. I just didn't expect to find anyone I'd want to share my life with. Independent life for me was really good. The things I was not going to tolerate in any serious relationship:
- Habitual drug or alcohol use.
- Financial chaos and instability or mooching.
- Being yelled at. Ever.
- A man being pushy or authoritarian to my teenage sons, creating strife and power struggles.
- Religion or political extremes.
- Guns, threats or violent behavior.
- Filthy slobby living habits.
- Poor personal hygiene.
- "Taking in strays" (people who'd let sketchy individuals come stay in my home.)
- Disrespectful or condescending attitudes.
- Controlling or jealous behavior.
- Pets or children, or unwillingness to tolerate my cat or my kids (I had exactly the number of pets & kids I needed in my life and didn't want to take on more.)
- Holds negative opinions of women, any religious or ethic group, LGBTQ+ people, poor people, etc (or a lack of empathy for others, generally)
- Sexually "vanilla"
...so just finding someone who had none of that stuff going on, well I did not have high expectations. But I was OK with it if I did not. I just got lucky and did find someone who not only had none of these issues, but was generally compatible with me in other ways. Surprise!
Curious, how many people do most of us meet that we are truly compatible with?
I would say over my 20 years of dating I've only met 3 to 5 ladies that could have/did last multiple years.
"None" in c. 42 years of noticing that women exist, from a partnership / relationship / whatever perspective. I'm good with that. Relationships have natural shot clocks. There is no lifetime-anything in my observation nor should there be at this junction in human history. Tested a few times, never more than a year and that ended with her in tears that "I don't love her" (true) and that she had "wasted her time" (also true): thus, "adios."
Relationships with women are not the best use of my time and resources and never will be. There are limitless better ways for a man to spend his time and remain on his purpose.
I don't believe that anyone is perfect (myself included) and I've never met anyone who had every. single. preference. that I might conceive of in my head checked off. So it was only ever a question of what am I compromising on? And how much does it matter?
The stuff that does matter...I have tried to compromise on in the past and that didn't work out well. Core values and such. Not good to try and get by and live with things that are going to make you miserable. Been there, did that.
Husband I have now...he's not quite as active as I might like and I want him to clean his bathroom more than he seems willing to do. These are small things. We share the big values, the good stuff, and we both love one another a lot. I cannot think of anyone I've ever met who would be a better choice...I didn't expect to find anyone who was as good a match for me as he is, and I didn't expect to commit to anything like a marriage again after my first one ended.
Hey having separate bathrooms you're ahead of the game.
Shared values, mutual respect, communication are key.
Then there is personality style- that is a big one to me. I've known a lot of guys with a kind of reckless personality style, not super dependable even if they have good intent.
Relationships with women are not the best use of my time and resources and never will be. There are limitless better ways for a man to spend his time and remain on his purpose.
Well put, but this one goes both ways.
Relationships with men are not the best use of my time and resources and never will be. There are limitless better ways for a woman to spend her time and remain on her purpose.
It took me about 15 years of off and on dating to finally realize that LTRs are not for me. It just never works out so I finally decided to follow a new path, alone, for the rest of my life. So much time, money, and emotional effort wasted. It's their loss, not mine, because now I know I can be content.
I was engaged and living together for 2 years. It was a good match except for one thing; children. She was done after being a single mother of 2. It was important to me to have my own children. So we split amicably. Still, communicate and consider each other friends.
Married another then separated after more than 10 years of marriage and was together 7 years prior w/ children.
Dated seriously two people after separation that had the potential for LTR. I decided I wasn't ready and may never be again. So the last of the two, I still see but with the expectation that neither of us is looking for anything more than just great companionship and comfort. We both have a lot of baggage from previous relationships and at this age, we are just content with the way things are.
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