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One long-term marriage and three or four long-term relationships. There were lots of possibilities after that, but since it’s not what I was looking for I’ll never know.
It does make me feel bad for those that were possibilities for long-term relationships, and think it was something wrong that they did. Its just not the situation I was looking for, nothing to do with the quality or potential of the person.
That’s something someone who’s having a hard time finding a long-term relationship may want to realize: when someone says “it’s not you, it’s me” a lot of times it’s the truth.
I suspect the low numbers of people that are suitable for long term relationships that people on this thread are stating are true but also misleading.
I am actually with Rbccl here, I think a big reason a lot of people haven't came across a lot more people was they weren't really looking all that hard for a healthy successful long term relationship often because they were in a relationship with someone else. If the relationship was good you aren't looking,. If you are in a bad or mediocre relationship, you still may not be looking real hard for a better relationship because your current imperfect relationship takes up all of your time.
I am really happy in my current relationship, but I also think that there are a lot of other women I probably could be really happy with dating too.
It's not that I don't have dating standards, I do, but I have picked up some pretty good relationship skills along the way. I am the dandelion of people. I am not the prettiest flower in the garden, but I will consistently bloom where I am planted. I am excellent at figuring out how to be happy and I am excellent at finding what is good in people and nurturing that.
The reason I am writing this is that I think self confidence is domain specific. I also realize the dating process offers more than it's fair share of rejection and disappointment which can cause you to doubt yourself in this domain. I think it's human to go through that and at times wonder what am I doing here, do I have any hope of finding any type of healthy relationship?
I would say you have a really great chance. I know lots of people who are happily married or just in really great relationships and it's not unrealistic to hope to find one for yourself. At the bigger picture the species does better in healthy committed long term relationships and we probably evolved to thrive best in them.
That said, why does dating often suck so much? First the dating pool is overweighted with people aren't suitable for relationships, there really is a super abundance of people who are single for a good reason, you aren't imagining that. Second dating is a skill with a learning curve. The more you do it, the better you get at it, but when you finally do get really accomplished at the skill, you often exit the dating pool. Third, even if you are adept at dating, the things that were important to find in a long term partner were not easy to initially observe, so you had to take a while to get to know someone to really figure out if this person is a wise match. So the search costs are substantial, even though there probably are a lot of people you could happily match with so pay attention to the risks of low frustration tolerance and don't try to force things. Dating takes a while and that's okay. The people who seem to have the best outcomes in dating manage to make it enjoyable for themselves.
I’ve met a lot of people and I kissed a few frogs. In terms of the kind of LTR I preferred? The kind that didn’t involve drama, men crying, men threatening to kill themselves, men insisted they told their dead mother about you daily, (true story, totally Norman Bates.) men being shady and weak, and struggling to pull their life together? The kind that you wouldn’t feel slightly embarrassed to be seen in public?
Only 3 people, and I married the 3rd one. Have been very happily married for more than 15 yrs now.
I suspect the low numbers of people that are suitable for long term relationships that people on this thread are stating are true but also misleading.
I am actually with Rbccl here, I think a big reason a lot of people haven't came across a lot more people was they weren't really looking all that hard for a healthy successful long term relationship often because they were in a relationship with someone else. If the relationship was good you aren't looking,. If you are in a bad or mediocre relationship, you still may not be looking real hard for a better relationship because your current imperfect relationship takes up all of your time.
I am really happy in my current relationship, but I also think that there are a lot of other women I probably could be really happy with dating too.
It's not that I don't have dating standards, I do, but I have picked up some pretty good relationship skills along the way. I am the dandelion of people. I am not the prettiest flower in the garden, but I will consistently bloom where I am planted. I am excellent at figuring out how to be happy and I am excellent at finding what is good in people and nurturing that.
The reason I am writing this is that I think self confidence is domain specific. I also realize the dating process offers more than it's fair share of rejection and disappointment which can cause you to doubt yourself in this domain. I think it's human to go through that and at times wonder what am I doing here, do I have any hope of finding any type of healthy relationship?
I would say you have a really great chance. I know lots of people who are happily married or just in really great relationships and it's not unrealistic to hope to find one for yourself. At the bigger picture the species does better in healthy committed long term relationships and we probably evolved to thrive best in them.
That said, why does dating often suck so much? First the dating pool is overweighted with people aren't suitable for relationships, there really is a super abundance of people who are single for a good reason, you aren't imagining that. Second dating is a skill with a learning curve. The more you do it, the better you get at it, but when you finally do get really accomplished at the skill, you often exit the dating pool. Third, even if you are adept at dating, the things that were important to find in a long term partner were not easy to initially observe, so you had to take a while to get to know someone to really figure out if this person is a wise match. So the search costs are substantial, even though there probably are a lot of people you could happily match with so pay attention to the risks of low frustration tolerance and don't try to force things. Dating takes a while and that's okay. The people who seem to have the best outcomes in dating manage to make it enjoyable for themselves.
Well early in their career a lot of people are focused more on their job. And to find someone requires mutuality. Both sides have to be interested at the same time. My wife and I were a great match, but I don't know if it would have happened if we met 3 years earlier. And, as you say, one (or both) might be in a relationship.
I've had three LTRs and married two of them. I also had a few male friends in college, and one of them might have been a compatible relationship - probably would have been a better choice than the man (met at the same time) who I ended up marrying. Said friend was a little younger than me, which I was less open to then, but I think we had more in common.
That said, why does dating often suck so much? First the dating pool is overweighted with people aren't suitable for relationships, there really is a super abundance of people who are single for a good reason, you aren't imagining that.
Or those people just aren't meant for you. There have been some terrible/messed up people who've been in long-term relationships.
Clyde had Bonnie.
Adolph had Eva.
Bobby had Whitney.
The person you think isn't suitable for a relationship probably hasn't found his/her equal yet. And sometimes that equal is a sociopath. I wouldn't rank bad character high on the list of why many people find themselves single.
None for me personally. But I'm sure they would've been great for someone else.
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