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I admitted to him I have jealousy issues I need to work on. I'm glad I didn't go psycho on the innocent woman. I was mad at him, not her with my insecurities that needs to be worked on. Is it possible for him to forgive me within time and rebuild trust?
I could never be with someone who I don't feel like they trust me. For me, if you wanted to repair the relationship, it would take a full unconditional apology and acceptance of responsibility along with a commitment to work on your jealousy/attachment issues. There would also be an understanding that if it happened again, there would be no third chance.
I never had the energy to be jealous. Either I can trust you or I cant. If I know I cant we are done. Life is too short to spend with jealousy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CorporateCowboy
Since the OP mentioned ‘going psycho on the woman’ (although she didn’t), I think her issues extend beyond jealousy into unresolved anger/rage as well. It’s also clear she isn’t an effective communicator i.e. why would she make an accusation rather than simply start a discussion with him.
In other words, multiple issues going on here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2mares
yeah, that is why I suggested: get some help with this issue before embarking on another relationship.
I agree with you re: self-improvement prior to embarking on another relationship. My point is that it’s not just the issue of jealousy that is the problem; it’s unresolved anger and poor communication that is more noteworthy, from my perspective. Many women (or men) may feel jealous occasionally; it isn’t clinical, in and of itself, nor does it always coincide with mistrust. That said, sometimes the feelings are valid i.e. it’s often a matter of trusting your gut. The difference is knowing how to rationally handle or discuss one’s feelings sans explosive accusations or ‘going psycho’ on anyone, as that would be a dealbreaker for most.
Some of us don't really have close friends to vent/seek advice...
Rumors spread like wildfire not wanting to share with anyone you know
It is fine to get some feedback before deciding to move forward, and it gives you some cooling off time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2mares
Not something I could deal with in a mate, but everyone is different. For yourself get some help with this issue before embarking on another relationship.
I never had the energy to be jealous. Either I can trust you or I cant. If I know I cant we are done. Life is too short to spend with jealousy.
I so agree. If you can't trust someone, walk away.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MercedesBoy
I think there is a difference between going psycho on somebody and merely talking things over about his relationship with the other woman. If you talk things over, like a civilized person, then I would not have an issue. If you went psycho however to the point of landing yourself in jail, I would dump you and end all contact.
It appears the first reaction was to approach the other woman, which to me is a red flag. Blame the woman? I am a woman, and I don't like that. She would talk to him first, and only him concerning this, and not going "psycho" on anyone! To me, even "psycho without ending up in jail should be a deal breaker. It will never end, as there is obviously some other issue driving this that must be resolved.
Let's face it, OP will go "psycho" in time with someone. I would say to walk away or take a break from this relationship, and get counseling. For darn sure she needs anger management, as relationships have other quirks that may cause her to go "psycho" - which is dangerous behavior that no one in their right mind would want to have to deal with, especially these days.
OP: Go to counseling. If you can't afford it, some places offer a sliding scale for fees based on income, some insurance offers it, and some workplaces also have it available to employees.
I've dated plenty of people who experience jealousy and insecurities to varying degrees; no one is perfect. The big red flag for me is how they deal with them. Acting on them in haste and going psycho is a no go for me.... Talking about it and being honest with your feelings is perfectly fine with me. I want them to be open/transparent with me because it is how we learn about each other. I do maintain a lot of friendships with women so I totally understand that it is natural.
^Same, I agree.
I wish there were more details provided by the OP about what actually happened, though. I can't tell if they broke up over this and she wants him to take her back, or if it was a simple misunderstanding that just left her feeling embarrassed..
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CorporateCowboy
Since the OP mentioned ‘going psycho on the woman’ (although she didn’t), I think her issues extend beyond jealousy into unresolved anger/rage as well. It’s also clear she isn’t an effective communicator i.e. why would she make an accusation rather than simply start a discussion with him.
In other words, multiple issues going on here.
Maybe I am a poor communicator. It's something I'm working on. By "going psycho" I meant telling the other woman off in words, not violence.
Quote:
Originally Posted by usayit
No one here can answer on his behalf.
I've dated plenty of people who experience jealousy and insecurities to varying degrees; no one is perfect. The big red flag for me is how they deal with them. Acting on them in haste and going psycho is a no go for me.... Talking about it and being honest with your feelings is perfectly fine with me. I want them to be open/transparent with me because it is how we learn about each other. I do maintain a lot of friendships with women so I totally understand that it is natural.
A part of my jealousy comes from lack of friendships which leads to lack of trust in people.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Suburban_Guy
I pray to god this isn't the same dude who in a fit of blind rage punched two holes in a wall...
No It's not
Quote:
Originally Posted by K12144
Why did you think he was cheating? What was the accusation like? What was his response? It really depends on what happened. There's a big difference between "he had behavior that seemed concerning and you sat him down and had a calm, rational conversation" and "his mom called so you started screaming at him and throwing things because another woman called him."
The other question is... what are you doing to make sure this doesn't happen again? You say you have jealousy issues and insecurities, so how are you working on that so you can be a healthy partner in a healthy relationship?
I did think he was cheating based on how he was private about his friendship with this woman although this woman is now engaged to another man.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnywhereElse
It is fine to get some feedback before deciding to move forward, and it gives you some cooling off time.
I so agree. If you can't trust someone, walk away.
It appears the first reaction was to approach the other woman, which to me is a red flag. Blame the woman? I am a woman, and I don't like that. She would talk to him first, and only him concerning this, and not going "psycho" on anyone! To me, even "psycho without ending up in jail should be a deal breaker. It will never end, as there is obviously some other issue driving this that must be resolved.
Let's face it, OP will go "psycho" in time with someone. I would say to walk away or take a break from this relationship, and get counseling. For darn sure she needs anger management, as relationships have other quirks that may cause her to go "psycho" - which is dangerous behavior that no one in their right mind would want to have to deal with, especially these days.
OP: Go to counseling. If you can't afford it, some places offer a sliding scale for fees based on income, some insurance offers it, and some workplaces also have it available to employees.
.
"going psycho" I meant was telling off the woman verbally. That would only make look more stupid. I'm glad I didn't do that.
Maybe I am a poor communicator. It's something I'm working on. By "going psycho" I meant telling the other woman off in words, not violence.
A part of my jealousy comes from lack of friendships which leads to lack of trust in people.
No It's not
I did think he was cheating based on how he was private about his friendship with this woman although this woman is now engaged to another man.
.
"going psycho" I meant was telling off the woman verbally. That would only make look more stupid. I'm glad I didn't do that.
Having trust issues in 2023 is pretty normal, I'd say. It's a different world out there.. It doesn't make you defective or unworthy of love & companionship.
You are aware, you kept yourself in check, and that speaks volumes.
One thing w/ me, is I always tend to form a bond of friendship w/ my boyfriends. There's more respect there and it makes it easier to accept one's flaws or shortcomings and be able to grow together. It also makes it easier to communicate when you have a partner willing to listen. Journaling really helps when there are thoughts and emotions you *don't* want to (or shouldn't) communicate and instead just keep to yourself and work it out. It's a safe space to open up and vent those negative emotions.
I admitted to him I have jealousy issues I need to work on. I'm glad I didn't go psycho on the innocent woman. I was mad at him, not her with my insecurities that needs to be worked on. Is it possible for him to forgive me within time and rebuild trust?
Only person you should be mad at is yourself for acting in so juvenile a fashion. Stop leading with your emotions and assumptions, and START leading with logical thinking and facts.
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