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And...again...the basic premise of "my behavior/words were intended as X, but other person/people/woman/women read it as Y, which was not my intent, and I don't know what I did wrong"...that sounds like the struggle that many autistic folks have to live with. At the very least if not, some of the similar social coaching that exists for them could perhaps be helpful, if someone wants to be helped.
Men don't want to be associated with or mistaken for the guys who do cause problems. "I'm one of the good guys so don't treat me like I'm one of those brutes or I'll be very insulted". It's a kind of personal butt hurt which is pretty common. They should understand it's not personal.
But what are you gonna do, these women don't know him and there is no magic trick when it comes to women who are particularly sensitive such that a man really just going about his day causes her distress or fear.
It may just be that OP is fine, but is sensitive enough to notice when women are uncomfortable whereas a lot of men would have no idea.
The thing that trips me up, which is why I think Sonic's questions about being on the spectrum are valid, is that men going about their day aren't causing distress to women for merely existing.
From the thread that Dave linked, the OP was causing distress to someone he knew and I don't know if it was deliberate or not, but he immediately extrapolates it to I'd better stay away from all women ever. The average man does not think or react like that so there is something else going on.
The other thing about that, too, is that sometimes solving the issue within oneself can incidentally also help resolve the other thing that one thought was the actual problem...but wasn't.
What I mean in this situation, is that there's something called mirroring. Very powerful among humans, but it exists with other animals as well. Anyone who works with animals might know, if you seem nervous and afraid of them, it can make them anxious, nervous, even hostile, right? So if rather than seeing "women, and how they see me" as the primary problem...if this OP (or others with this issue) instead work on making themselves more at ease in public spaces, letting go worrying so much about what anyone else is thinking...find ways to calm those rejection sensitive dysphoria voices and just BE... Then incidentally as they give off less anxious overthinking vibes and nervous body language, others may be more able to relax in their proximity.
To some extent I think it's possible that this dude might try worrying less about women's anxiety and worry more about resolving his own. 'Cause even if he wanted to "make women feel safe" somehow...he's not so likely to accomplish that if he doesn't feel safe, himself. Sometimes what you put out there is what you get back.
The thing that trips me up, which is why I think Sonic's questions about being on the spectrum are valid, is that men going about their day aren't causing distress to women for merely existing.
From the thread that Dave linked, the OP was causing distress to someone he knew and I don't know if it was deliberate or not, but he immediately extrapolates it to I'd better stay away from all women ever. The average man does not think or react like that so there is something else going on.
I'm not on any spectrum. I don't think it's unfair to extrapolate from that experience (and plenty other experiences) that perhaps I should limit my interactions with women.
What's the difference between making a woman feel safe and not making a woman feel unsafe?
Let me try to illustrate through examples. None of these involve romantic partners. None of these are guarantees, because there can always be extenuating circumstances.
Making a woman feel safe:
There is an unruly crowd waiting at a train platform in a foreign country where the woman does not speak the language. A male friend, who has been in this situation before and knows what to do, helps her navigate the crowd and board the train. That man has probably made the woman feel safe.
Not making a woman feel unsafe:
A woman is walking along a street, alone. A man she does not know passes her by without staring at her, breaking his stride, or giving any kind of indication that he is going to approach or follow her. That man has probably not made that woman feel unsafe.
Let me try to illustrate through examples. None of these involve romantic partners. None of these are guarantees, because there can always be extenuating circumstances.
Making a woman feel safe:
There is an unruly crowd waiting at a train platform in a foreign country where the woman does not speak the language. A male friend, who has been in this situation before and knows what to do, helps her navigate the crowd and board the train. That man has probably made the woman feel safe.
Not making a woman feel unsafe:
A woman is walking along a street, alone. A man she does not know passes her by without staring at her, breaking his stride, or giving any kind of indication that he is going to approach or follow her. That man has probably not made that woman feel unsafe.
I was once walking in a park years ago and started closing in on a woman who was walking slower than me. The sun was in the process of setting and it was starting to get a little dusky. When she noticed I was about 10 or so feet behind her, she took off running. Is it fair to assume she felt unsafe in that moment? If she indeed took off running because she felt unsafe, is there anything I could (should) have done differently so as to minimize my perceived threat towards her?
If so, in what contexts and why? And do women have any reciprocal responsibility towards men?
I love my wife. We've been together since 16 years of age. 40 years total. I would take a bullet for her or push her away from an oncoming bus with me in her place.
I love her. I expect nothing in return.
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