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The bottom line of this entire digression is that for most women, if a man they had never spoken to and almost barely remember from their train trip randomly dropped into their DMs or sent an email to their email address (when they had never provided that information) they would be freaked out. It doesn't matter what the dude looks like, they'd wonder if they'd been hacked or were being stalked. It would be unsettling.
And even then, she likely smiled back to be polite, because that's "what you do." Many is the time the eyes of I and another total stranger have accidentally met when we're in some public place, and they smile at me because the situation is awkward and uncomfortable and they don't know what else to do and are trying to not be rude, and I smile back because the situation is awkward and uncomfortable and I'll look like a jerk if I don't smile back even if I don't want to because I have no clue who this person is, but I find the whole "interaction" weird and have absolutely no interest in the person.
If there is no eye connection and smile to begin with, then there is nothing more to go on about.
If there was such a connection and it wasn't just a split second awkward smile made to be "proper", then you follow up on it. If the connection and smile was more than a split second or you made another connection with more smiling then you follow thru. It all depends on the situation and the vibe you get from that person.
It is also a judgement call based on variables. If you are in a different city and on some sort of a short bus/trolley/etc ride then probability of making a meaningful connection is obviously very slim but you are on a flight and the person is sitting close or next to you and you strike up a genuinely jolly conversation with that person, then it could be different especially if you both live in the same town/area.
There is also the "presumed" mindset where you could be available and looking or at least "open" and also in a good mood and you see someone you find attractive (typically guys) and you recently watched a romantic chick flick recently so you are already halfway ready for love and thinking the person you made eye contact with is also on the same boat...you could be way off which is why you go with the basics; eye contact+smile (multiple encounters if possible) then quickly move to verbal and get a feel. I always thought this was quite a normal social thing amongst civilized adults. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it but depending on the situation and the vibe I get, I may pursue it further to see if it was mutual. Nothing wrong with that. If someone thinks this is creepy, to me that is more of a red flag with that person.
These studies just ask a random sampling of men to rate themselves, then their picture is shared to a bunch of women and they're asked to rate them. And repeat the same for the women.
It's not biased to men who approach women.
Its hard to quite understand the methodology but just based on the title:
"When Men Aren't as Good-Looking as They Think ".
Yes that would not surprise me. As far a looks, yes most men are not attractive to women, far fewer than women are to men. However here is the issue with it. What it means is, or may mean, is men that attract women don't realize that they are not doing it much with their looks. I know I grossly over estimated the importance on how I looked. I thought a girl would go out on a date with me just by asking if I looked good enough. I did not know I was supposed to talk to her so much at first. I did not think it meant she was going to keep dating me but that we would talk then. That was my high school age projection. So men that would find dates probably think they looked pretty good.
Also that's from 2015, kind of before dating apps really started to take off. I think men are becoming far more aware of the match rates now from their photos. Most men do very poorly on their looks alone. However this should not deceive that looks are not important. Its that the supply of men that just look good enough to go on a date on looks alone are very few.
You don't get to define what I think is creepy.
Has NOTHING to do with attractiveness.
And the OP was creepy... without even knowing what he looks like.
I'm not really seeing the OP as creepy. He sat next to a girl on a train, he thought she was attractive, he shot a few glances her way, he wanted to talk to her but didn't, and that was that. OK, he also saw her name on her laptop. This one is an "it depends." Did he just glance over and see what anyone else sitting in his seat would have seen? Or did he maneuver himself in such a way as to visually eavesdrop on her screen?
In any case, if he attempted to contact the girl, then yes, that would be creepy. Sorry, OP, but as far as sparking a conversation with her goes, that train has left the station.
If there is no eye connection and smile to begin with, then there is nothing more to go on about.
If there was such a connection and it wasn't just a split second awkward smile made to be "proper", then you follow up on it. If the connection and smile was more than a split second or you made another connection with more smiling then you follow thru. It all depends on the situation and the vibe you get from that person.
It is also a judgement call based on variables. If you are in a different city and on some sort of a short bus/trolley/etc ride then probability of making a meaningful connection is obviously very slim but you are on a flight and the person is sitting close or next to you and you strike up a genuinely jolly conversation with that person, then it could be different especially if you both live in the same town/area.
There is also the "presumed" mindset where you could be available and looking or at least "open" and also in a good mood and you see someone you find attractive (typically guys) and you recently watched a romantic chick flick recently so you are already halfway ready for love and thinking the person you made eye contact with is also on the same boat...you could be way off which is why you go with the basics; eye contact+smile (multiple encounters if possible) then quickly move to verbal and get a feel. I always thought this was quite a normal social thing amongst civilized adults. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it but depending on the situation and the vibe I get, I may pursue it further to see if it was mutual. Nothing wrong with that. If someone thinks this is creepy, to me that is more of a red flag with that person.
Right, but no reason to think that simply because a person politely/uncomfortably returns your smile once when your eyes accidentally meet, they have the hots for you. Nor is there a reason to advise socially-awkward people that this is the case.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bus man
I'm not really seeing the OP as creepy. He sat next to a girl on a train, he thought she was attractive, he shot a few glances her way, he wanted to talk to her but didn't, and that was that. OK, he also saw her name on her laptop. This one is an "it depends." Did he just glance over and see what anyone else sitting in his seat would have seen? Or did he maneuver himself in such a way as to visually eavesdrop on her screen?
In any case, if he attempted to contact the girl, then yes, that would be creepy. Sorry, OP, but as far as sparking a conversation with her goes, that train has left the station.
That's kind of the point. People are telling him to drop it rather than becoming creepy.
Right, but no reason to think that simply because a person politely/uncomfortably returns your smile once when your eyes accidentally meet, they have the hots for you. Nor is there a reason to advise socially-awkward people that this is the case.
Of course not. No one could be certain what the case was in OP's situation. All I pointed out was, if the other party didn't even make multiple eye contacts and smiled, then they were likely not interested.
As a rational, civilized adult human, one always has to determine the situation by analyzing and assessing the variables and clues. Even if they made an error in this, as long as they talk and handle themselves with good manners, no harm, no foul and no reason to get embarrassed either.
I'm not really seeing the OP as creepy. He sat next to a girl on a train, he thought she was attractive, he shot a few glances her way, he wanted to talk to her but didn't, and that was that. OK, he also saw her name on her laptop. This one is an "it depends." Did he just glance over and see what anyone else sitting in his seat would have seen? Or did he maneuver himself in such a way as to visually eavesdrop on her screen?
In any case, if he attempted to contact the girl, then yes, that would be creepy. Sorry, OP, but as far as sparking a conversation with her goes, that train has left the station.
The fact that he is asking other people about it proves he is not just "a creep". A genuine article couldn't care less. I just did the long division by hand and showed the truth behind the context in all its glory which always leaves opportunity for offense.
I feel the pain for this guy if he believes in soul mates. Maybe she was it for him, but I don't believe in them. I think they are made existentially though a bond and experience such has having a child together, for example. One reason is because I was one of those where environmental factors put me in different categories. I know from experience the different treatments one receives.
Generally speaking ,its not typically the supply of what you want that is the limitation. Its the goods that you provide. If he did contact her, and she was into it, you are probably very attractive and really out of her league. So what's the point for a "girl magnet?". You will attract many more just like her , and certainly better still under much better circumstances. If not, then you will be seen as a creep.
I think I have seen this advice in many forms . Work on yourself and the opportunities will come rather than trying to score a great black market deal.
Am I the only one thinking of Howard Wolowitz/Summer Glau train episode of The Big Bang Theory?
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just to add to the creep factor a lil bit, lol
