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It's true some people do. That's why I prefer to try to get to know someone prior to entering into a man/woman relationship with them.
But you can frame this another way: everyone has a different point of view as to when the "getting to know you" phase has transitioned from getting to know someone into a relationship. For some people, it's sitting across from each other at a few initial dinner dates or a few movies and for others it's a sexual relationship. You just don't know people's definitions and boundaries and this is where feelings get hurt. One of the two people could have became "invested" in this rapport more quickly than the other.
Sometimes it's better to go through the "getting to know you" phase slowly so that retracting the interest is easier and has fewer consequences.
Robert, I'd call her and give her a quick rundown. No need to leave her hanging. If she cries or tries to argue after your explanation, just keep repeating, "This isn't working for me, sorry" until she eventually gets the message. You didn't date her very long, but the month of phone calls before that says that there was some kind of meaningful connection, and in that case, it's rude to leave her hanging.
I mentally filed this advice away. I had "the conversation" this afternoon. I explained that the distance was a factor that precluded ongoing and regular dating and that, even though "on paper" this would look like the perfect match, we were not heading in similar directions and it would be a major stressor for both of us.
She was really calm and relaxed about it, noting that I brought up a lot of hurdles that would be tough to overcome, but also seemed to want to end the conversation fairly soon thereafter when other previous conversations have lasted up to an hour or more.
Yep, I feel better for having handled it this way.
I think this is the first time here on C-D that someone actually posted that my advice had done some good. I'm glad that she didn't argue or cry, and of course, you can't blame her for wanting to get off the phone rather quickly. I'm also glad that you decided not to leave her hanging, even though that might have been more convenient (though possibly more uncomfortable as it would niggle at your conscience here and there for a while).
Quote:
Originally Posted by robertpolyglot
I mentally filed this advice away. I had "the conversation" this afternoon. I explained that the distance was a factor that precluded ongoing and regular dating and that, even though "on paper" this would look like the perfect match, we were not heading in similar directions and it would be a major stressor for both of us.
She was really calm and relaxed about it, noting that I brought up a lot of hurdles that would be tough to overcome, but also seemed to want to end the conversation fairly soon thereafter when other previous conversations have lasted up to an hour or more.
Yep, I feel better for having handled it this way.
I've been on both sides of this - went out with someone, thought it was great. And then never heard from them again - phone calls went unanswered, emails were ignored. After a week I got the hint.
I also did this once - we'd been dating for about a month when I met my current SO. I didn't know how to break it off with her so I just stopped talking to her - changed my cell number, blocked her from my email, etc. It ended ugly - she showed up at my job one day and acted a fool. LOL that was the last time i ever did that.
I've never just disappeared on someone. It's been done to me and I didn't like it one bit, so I choose to let the other person know, even if we only went out once or twice. I got an immature reaction from one guy, but most seemed to appreciate that I was upfront with them.
The most recent time I did this, I'd gone out with a guy twice. The first date was boring but he seemed nice and figured maybe he was nervous, so I gave it one more chance. The second date was pure hell, we had nothing to talk about and I figured he'd just stop calling. The next day he called to ask me out for a third date and I just told him that while I thought he was a nice guy, we just didn't seem to have much to talk about, or have much in common and I didn't think we should go out any more. He said thanks for letting him know, and that was the end of the conversation. Pretty painless I think.
You certainly don't need to tell the other person that they are boring, or that you're just not attracted to them. No need to be hurtful.
A more detailed explanation would be in order if it was a relationship that had lasted several months/years though.
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I'm glad that she didn't argue or cry, and of course, you can't blame her for wanting to get off the phone rather quickly. I'm also glad that you decided not to leave her hanging, even though that might have been more convenient (though possibly more uncomfortable as it would niggle at your conscience here and there for a while).
