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We've been married for several years, have two small kids (I just had a baby last year.) We've never really had much of a sex life due to a past porn addiction of his and an online affair, but those things have been over for a long time, and it's still non-existent. He says it's because I've gained weight and he's no longer attracted to me, but he loves me. How is that love? I read somewhere this could be emotional abuse. I'm losing weight, but am not sure that will change anything. In the meantime, I resent him and don't even want to be around him. I asked him what kind of sexual outlet he has and he said he just suffers. I'm overweight, but you would think I was an elephant the way he acts. I'm 5'5'' and 199. I plan to lose 50 lbs, but Lord knows if that will even be good enough for him... I should also mention that we are like roommates-- there's really no affection at all except for a pop kiss every now and then or a hug. Thanks for reading.
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I know exactly how you are feeling. I lived it, and after 21 years of no change, I finally decided to get divorced. Sex was rare, maybe 20 time in total marriage. I was severely depressed to the point of suicide because I really loved this man. He confused me because he kept telling me he loved me and that he would change so I kept waiting.
I see this post is old, but decided to write you because you may still be in this marriage...waiting.....and......waiting....and waiting.....,
or maybe someone else is reading with similar situation.
I certainly wouldn't wish this on anyone, and so if your marriage improves well then great, but your story is so similar to mine, and if I can share my story and help another woman avoid this experience then I will feel that my life had some meaning. I hope that you listen intently, and not look back like me, wondering... why did I waste my life waiting for this man?
The longer you stay with him, the more self esteem you will lose. You will also gain more weight as I did, because nothing feels worse then being rejected. Most people will fill that void with something. Your body, mind and soul needs to be loved, and held.
I discovered in my late 40's that it was not me. I am still pretty, or so I have been told, and when I allowed myself to be available again, I learned that I am attractive and desired. A man like yours (mine too), will leave you feeling undesired, neglected, rejected. It is a nightmare! It does not really matter what his problem is, what arguments you've had, because it is his problem, not yours. Remember that! A key ingredient in your marriage is missing.
I was ignored most of the time. We never went out either. Please don't blame your weight. Trust me, that is not it. If you were super heavy, maybe, but a normal man needs to have sex, your husband is not normal.
I gained weight like you too, after my 1st child was born. I was maybe 15 pounds over and it gradually creeped up to 50 at present. The reality is that our sex life dramatically ended when we were first married, and at that time I was a pretty girl at 5'6 and 122 pounds. Now I am a beautiful woman who has 50 pounds to lose.
I don't know if this is your case, but in mine, my husband was a control freak and needed to always have his way. He also needed me to be a subservient women, which I am not. HIS own insecurities and resentments prevented a normal life. That was his choice. Yes, it is emotional abuse when a man withholds affection. In my case, it was a form of punishment. He was an unforgiving grudge holder. There was no such thing as make up sex - EVER!.
When I began to share my story with others was when my life really changed. Tell others. Tell another man, and watch how quickly you will feel desired. You need to hear it from others. Let them build you back up.
PLEASE, go an live the life that God intended for you. Don't let him KEEP you. It's not easy, but it will get better.
Ok we gotta start being honest with people when they come on these boards for opinions. If right now, a woman marries me while I'm 6'2, 210 pounds, and the five years later I balloon up to 350lb, I believe she has the right to walk away or stop having sex with me. Why? Because I no longer resemble what she found and fell in love with.
I know that woman like sympathy from men for the weight gain that happens from rearing children but most of us are just not good to give it b/c we know the woman can lose the baby weight if she wanted to. How do we know, b/c we've seen it done.
My advice, lose the weight, keep it off, feel good about ur sex life again. 5'5 200 may not seem like a lot, but to men, whenever there is a "2" slapped in front of a womans weight it gets scarey.
He probably loves u in the sense that u are the mother of his kids and he doesnt want u to get run over by a bus or anything like that, but physically for men, we need to see it. Preferably with the lights on! Godspeed.
He says we can do it, but it's like I don't want to knowing he doesn't want to. I've stayed for so long I think I ought to lose the weight and see what happens. Then I'll have the true answer.
You already have your true answer. Any man who would behave like that to you, making his love conditional, does not really love you. You will be better getting yourself together and ditching him...build a life for you and your children and wait for a man who understands what real love means. Tell your current husband he can go enjoy someone else's company because you deserve better.
I feel your pain. I was married to a guy who was a porn addict. I divorced him and now ten years later I am married to a guy who never wants to have sex for no particular reason. We have only been married for 6 months and I have tried talking to him. When I am not at work all he does is watch TV and it makes me wonder why I even come home.
I feel your pain. I was married to a guy who was a porn addict. I divorced him and now ten years later I am married to a guy who never wants to have sex for no particular reason. We have only been married for 6 months and I have tried talking to him. When I am not at work all he does is watch TV and it makes me wonder why I even come home.
Do you take the initiative to start or do you rather have him start?
Past porn addiction, online affair and he's not attracted to you.....What were you thinking, to have two kids with a loser like that? Sounds like you need to lose about 200# of husband.
We've been married for several years, have two small kids (I just had a baby last year.) We've never really had much of a sex life due to a past porn addiction of his and an online affair, but those things have been over for a long time, and it's still non-existent. He says it's because I've gained weight and he's no longer attracted to me, but he loves me. How is that love? I read somewhere this could be emotional abuse. I'm losing weight, but am not sure that will change anything. In the meantime, I resent him and don't even want to be around him. I asked him what kind of sexual outlet he has and he said he just suffers. I'm overweight, but you would think I was an elephant the way he acts. I'm 5'5'' and 199. I plan to lose 50 lbs, but Lord knows if that will even be good enough for him... I should also mention that we are like roommates-- there's really no affection at all except for a pop kiss every now and then or a hug. Thanks for reading.
Ok now I cant blame him....you plan to lose 50lbs?? Didnt you emotionally abuse him when you gained all that weight??
Ok we gotta start being honest with people when they come on these boards for opinions. If right now, a woman marries me while I'm 6'2, 210 pounds, and the five years later I balloon up to 350lb, I believe she has the right to walk away or stop having sex with me. Why? Because I no longer resemble what she found and fell in love with.
I know that woman like sympathy from men for the weight gain that happens from rearing children but most of us are just not good to give it b/c we know the woman can lose the baby weight if she wanted to. How do we know, b/c we've seen it done.
My advice, lose the weight, keep it off, feel good about ur sex life again. 5'5 200 may not seem like a lot, but to men, whenever there is a "2" slapped in front of a womans weight it gets scarey.
He probably loves u in the sense that u are the mother of his kids and he doesnt want u to get run over by a bus or anything like that, but physically for men, we need to see it. Preferably with the lights on! Godspeed.
I totally agree...too many women think its ok to gain weight and want to cry when their man dont find them attractive when they gain weight.
And to tell the man your going to leave because you deserve better because he dont want to have sex with you or is no longer attracted to you is ridicules, doesnt he deserve better too??
Sounds like a lot of peopel are not having sex in their marriage on here...
If he will not take care of you sexually: Either masterbate, get a boy toy, or leave. Anything else is just making it complicated.
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