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I, too, am worried that being 47 and never married is a "dealbreaker" for guys my age. I was in a LTR for about 10 years right out of high school, practically, but not quite, living with the guy who left me for his best friend from Jr. High when I was 27. I was pretty devastated by this and didn't want to date for a couple years. In the meantime, I went back to school to get my degree, got a new job that required 14 hour days, and took care of both my parents through terminal illnesses in my thirties and early forties. I was so focused on family responsibilities (lost my mom when I was 41 and my dad when I was 45) as well as work responsibilities that I just had no energy to really date. Hung out with some guys as friends but that was it. During that time, I also gained weight, which I lost about two years ago, trying to get my life back on track. I then was in a long distance relationship for one year but it didn't work out, and now I'm trying online dating for the first time.
But while I get a lot of guys looking at my profile, very few are contacting me. I had 128 views yesterday, but no takers. I've had male and female friends look at my pics and profile and they think "they're great", so I'm wondering if it's my unmarried status that causes alarm. Even had a friend offer to go to Vegas with me, marry me one day and divorce me the next, just so I could honestly say I'm "divorced." I don't plan on doing something that crazy, but not sure how I can communicate that there's nothing wrong with me; in fact, I really have less baggage to bring to a relationship than someone who's been divorced one or more times.
The other reason I think the "never been married" info might be scaring guys away is because the first question guys ask me on a date is "How come you've never been married?" and they say this like they just can't believe it. One guy told me, "What'd you do? Turn everybody down?" ...like I was so picky I wouldn't settle for anyone. The truth is I was in love twice and it just didn't work out. Can I just say that and is that enough of an acceptable answer when a guy asks? Should I address it in my profile and try to explain the reason? Should I lie on my profile and say "divorced" on my status and then just tell the truth right away when a guy emails or takes me out? Or do I just give up? It's very discouraging.
Except for even mulling over the Las Vegas thing, you really sound together. Chronology and timing has a lot to do with it. We sometimes pass on an earlier opportunity in our 20s and 30s, thinking a better one will come along. Still, that's no reason to settle.
No, I don't think the divorced status would change things. It's moot. I think that single never-married guys would probably relate to you better. Are you getting this "flack" from divorced men? It's even worse for men, especially in the work place. Those without wedding bands and kids are much less apt to be promoted and considered seriously than those that have all that stuff -- even in the new millenium.
I, too, am worried that being 47 and never married is a "dealbreaker" for guys my age. I was in a LTR for about 10 years right out of high school, practically, but not quite, living with the guy who left me for his best friend from Jr. High when I was 27. I was pretty devastated by this and didn't want to date for a couple years. In the meantime, I went back to school to get my degree, got a new job that required 14 hour days, and took care of both my parents through terminal illnesses in my thirties and early forties. I was so focused on family responsibilities (lost my mom when I was 41 and my dad when I was 45) as well as work responsibilities that I just had no energy to really date. Hung out with some guys as friends but that was it. During that time, I also gained weight, which I lost about two years ago, trying to get my life back on track. I then was in a long distance relationship for one year but it didn't work out, and now I'm trying online dating for the first time.
But while I get a lot of guys looking at my profile, very few are contacting me. I had 128 views yesterday, but no takers. I've had male and female friends look at my pics and profile and they think "they're great", so I'm wondering if it's my unmarried status that causes alarm. Even had a friend offer to go to Vegas with me, marry me one day and divorce me the next, just so I could honestly say I'm "divorced." I don't plan on doing something that crazy, but not sure how I can communicate that there's nothing wrong with me; in fact, I really have less baggage to bring to a relationship than someone who's been divorced one or more times.
The other reason I think the "never been married" info might be scaring guys away is because the first question guys ask me on a date is "How come you've never been married?" and they say this like they just can't believe it. One guy told me, "What'd you do? Turn everybody down?" ...like I was so picky I wouldn't settle for anyone. The truth is I was in love twice and it just didn't work out. Can I just say that and is that enough of an acceptable answer when a guy asks? Should I address it in my profile and try to explain the reason? Should I lie on my profile and say "divorced" on my status and then just tell the truth right away when a guy emails or takes me out? Or do I just give up? It's very discouraging.
Look, nothing against these internet dating sites but I liken them to spending every other weekend at the Over 28's night down at the pub. Everybody is there focused soley on finding a mate and that's great if you can stand the scrutiny and you value the opinions of the scrutineers but I find it to be a "false" situation. Far better, I think, to go out and enjoy your life and do the things you've always wanted now you have the opportunity and be happy. At least then you are living your life and if you come across someone like minded you have a better chance of being happy together through shared interests. If you meet someone while you're out learning how to absail, or travelling somewhere you've always wanted to go or, at a book club or, whatever floats your boat, you are going to be meeting men through shared experience plus you have the added bonus of having positive experiences that enhance who you are. In a dating site situation the FIRST thing you have in common is you're supposedly looking for someone, which quickly turns to a long list of wants and requirements in the absence of actually DOING something constructive. I don't know about you, but to me it's really just setting yourself up for rejection. You sound like an interesting woman, that's led a full life, why not get on with making it richer and fuller and being happy? To me that's the greatest asset you can offer another person and a lot of guys find that really appealing. Be yourself and don't worry about trying to pander to the pseudo list of wants some guy thinks he has to have. I think you're smarter than that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raggy dee Ann
Darn Moonshadow you said it so flipin well:
It takes an extraordinary, understanding, fair, experienced, worldly man to ever understand me or women of my calibre (something none of the "dudes" who have made unsubstantiated claims or given opinions on the subject would no tuppence about. As my late father would say, "consider the source"..... and my daddy was a helluva man.
Thanks. I think perhaps it's hard for people to see something from another's perspective some times. I guess I'm not really swayed by how something first appears. Even the guys that hold the view that there's something wrong with a woman 40 and over that's never been married must have got to that position somehow. Fascinates me even if I don't agree.
My Gran used to say that, "consider the source" Smart, funny, fabulous woman, my Gran (incidently who was married BEFORE she was 40 so clearly not weird, like me! ) Yeah, sounds like your daddy was a helluva man.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Magnum Mike
Hmmm... if an unmarried 40 year-old is "frightening", I sure hate to think what a 52 year-old, who's never been married, would be like....
Why don't you change your status on your profile to "divorced" just for a day or two and see what your results are then. It would be a very interesting experiment.
That's an interesting idea. Tempted to experiment with that just to see what happens, however, I'm very honest so not sure I could purposely mislead.
Except for even mulling over the Las Vegas thing, you really sound together. Chronology and timing has a lot to do with it. We sometimes pass on an earlier opportunity in our 20s and 30s, thinking a better one will come along. Still, that's no reason to settle.
No, I don't think the divorced status would change things. It's moot. I think that single never-married guys would probably relate to you better. Are you getting this "flack" from divorced men? It's even worse for men, especially in the work place. Those without wedding bands and kids are much less apt to be promoted and considered seriously than those that have all that stuff -- even in the new millenium.
Keep on keeping a level head.
Thanks, I am very grounded. And the Vegas thing was just a joke between a male friend and me...not at all serious about that! As for the single never-married guys, haven't seen very many of those in my travels, but I'm sure they're out there. I'll keep my eye out for one.
[quote=moonshadow;7127804]Look, nothing against these internet dating sites but I liken them to spending every other weekend at the Over 28's night down at the pub. Everybody is there focused soley on finding a mate and that's great if you can stand the scrutiny and you value the opinions of the scrutineers but I find it to be a "false" situation. Far better, I think, to go out and enjoy your life and do the things you've always wanted now you have the opportunity and be happy. At least then you are living your life and if you come across someone like minded you have a better chance of being happy together through shared interests. If you meet someone while you're out learning how to absail, or travelling somewhere you've always wanted to go or, at a book club or, whatever floats your boat, you are going to be meeting men through shared experience plus you have the added bonus of having positive experiences that enhance who you are. In a dating site situation the FIRST thing you have in common is you're supposedly looking for someone, which quickly turns to a long list of wants and requirements in the absence of actually DOING something constructive. I don't know about you, but to me it's really just setting yourself up for rejection. You sound like an interesting woman, that's led a full life, why not get on with making it richer and fuller and being happy? To me that's the greatest asset you can offer another person and a lot of guys find that really appealing. Be yourself and don't worry about trying to pander to the pseudo list of wants some guy thinks he has to have. I think you're smarter than that.
I agree with this and am doing just that. Very much involved in other social activities, etc, and the online dating is just an experiment. In my work and the circles of friends I have, there just aren't very many single and/or unattached guys to meet. But trying to broaden my horizons as much as possible and see what happens. Thanks for the advice.
I agree with this and am doing just that. Very much involved in other social activities, etc, and the online dating is just an experiment. In my work and the circles of friends I have, there just aren't very many single and/or unattached guys to meet. But trying to broaden my horizons as much as possible and see what happens. Thanks for the advice.
Sorry, didn't mean it to sound like advice, just the whole thing is alien to me. I really admire people that can do it, I'm just not one of them.
I guess I have the added bonus of not being much fussed if I marry or not, and I'm not really one for setting myself up to hear the endless opinions of me from blokes whose opinions I'm not sure I want to hear anyway. It's hard though, if you are looking. I just really wanted to say that you sound alright to me and the guys overly concerned about your marital status probably not worth bothering with. The right guy isn't gonna care two hoots, he'll probably see it as the bonus that it is.
This may sound wrong and insulting towards men, but it is how I see it.
I understand a female not getting married. Women find their happiness in children and friends. Women are finally getting to a point where they don't depend on men for financial reasons. We also don't need them to have children, as we have adoption and artificial insemination. Not saying that men are not capable of making them happy, but I think that women can get along better emotionally without a man, than a man getting along better emotionally without a female.
Men find their happiness in sex, ownership, and "power." They take extreme pride in getting paid and having an attractive spouse. They usually need someone to take care of them as well, as a lot of men can't seem to take care of themselves until a female comes along.
I am not saying that all men and women fall into these categories perfectly.
I find a single man in his 40's to be strange. Maybe it's wrong, but it holds true for me. I have more understanding for a female being single in her 40's because as I stated before, men are not what women hold closest to their hearts, it's children and friends. Whereas men hold women closest.
Men find their happiness in sex, ownership, and "power." They take extreme pride in getting paid and having an attractive spouse. They usually need someone to take care of them as well, as a lot of men can't seem to take care of themselves until a female comes along.
Some people would think a 40 year old who has never been married has issues.
I feel like it was just not in their path at the time.
Some prefer dating different people.
Others focused on their careers and education.
Yet others just never felt the need to.
Be careful of the separated situation.
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I don't plan on doing something that crazy, but not sure how I can communicate that there's nothing wrong with me; in fact, I really have less baggage to bring to a relationship than someone who's been divorced one or more times. 
Fascinates me even if I don't agree. 
