I would post this (dating, girlfriend, how to, married)

[rlrl]

in the employment job forums but this is really more of an interpersonal issue and the job board is filled with things about unemployment so i thought this would be a more appropriate board to post this

This involves an extremely annoying female co-worker(she's my age 47 and I'm a male) who started at my job 5 years ago on a part time basis and also was interning with us for a bachelor's degree at the time.

we work at a day treatment program for the mentally ill. i have been there since 1990. although i have never grown to the point of being a 'manager" per se (I'm too introverted for that but I have a lot of energy, drive and commitment), i have grown laterally and was just given a big raise 2 months ago after 2 other clinicians were canned for misconduct

because i have been at this company for sooo long, i know every dirty interpersonal trick in the book played by enemy co-workers and as a result isolate myself from many staff at the company. i never attend the holiday parties and have not since the late 90's because i felt backstabbed by so many people i decided if i was to survive in this environment i was going to isolate myself from as many people as possible. i do what i have to do in my new job (I am now the head clinician in charge of a unit with 130 clients and 15 staff), try to do it well, and nothing else matters other than the staff i know and trust(yes i have several people who i trust). i just can't be bothered with anyone else or their manipulative crap on this job. one thing i have learned is to never ever let people bait me with generalizations. if they cannot be specific, they are not worth my time and i will not spend any time figuring out what they want and the burden is on them. i live by this motto each and every day

well 5 years ago i don't know why but i made the mistake of having lunch with this woman 2-3 times and telling her i was single. i don't know why i did that since i never had any interest in her other than maybe, maybe being "just friends" but i realized that would not work because she's too self centered and shallow.

to make a long story short, this woman thinks i am interested in her and interprets my indifference and lack of interest in her as "he's just shy, i'll change his ways". i know this because at least two of my close confidants told me they think she is interested in me

this woman is the type whose mouth has to be running on the 24/7, if she has to be alone sitting by herself she starts getting impatient and throwing a tantrum or creating drama, on at least two occasions she accused me of "harrassment" when i walked past her without saying hello (when the fact is i do say hello, it's just that a mere 'hello" is never enough for her) because i was preoccupied with something. she even threatened to go to a supervisor and accused me of "not doing my job" when i didn't take a lunch break when her and the others did. I promptly reported her to my supervisor and he in turn had a word with her. it worked too, for several months she left me alone, but eventually she started up her old ways again.

what aggravates me is how busy i am during the course of the day and how she basically socializes all day when she is not doing her regular tasks. she continues to bother me to talk to her and i have no interest in her. she asks me for office supplies and i tell her to go to staff x or staff y to get them, then she distracts my attention and takes my office supplies (as a way of getting me to go over to her and ask for it back) and never returns them

This woman has resigned from the job multiple times and then she comes back. She left us in the fall (heaven for me) but returned to us just today to get fingerprinted because she's starting today (he**) again.

her boundaries are terrible. i'm told she has poor social skills which is surprising because she has 3 kids and you'd think that someone with kids would have some social graces. there are other incidents which i won't go into because they are just more of the same

the problem is i have difficulty standing up to this woman. i am intimidated by the angry hurt look on her face and even at 47 i still choose to be intimidated by this type of character (i know i know, my mom was a bit like this so maybe i haven't gotten over it yet)

so i am posting this since i will be working with this person again and am seeking some advice on how i can better deal with this type of person. in particular i am seeking the advice of a mature woman who can shed some light on this(guys welcome too but please don't tell me to "go for it" because i'm not interested!!)

if i had to be bluntly honest, i think the deal is if she is attracted to me she is just looking for a passive wimp to entrap and then enslave because no one else is interested in her

[MMichelle]

You need to protect your job.
You need to be civil but keep your distance.
It might be helpful to "make up" a girlfriend or an accasional date that you might mention. It might also be helpful to break in to conversations with other co-workers about the ills of ever dating anyone with whom one works. In fact it's a bad idea and nearly always ends badly.
This all might sound a little left handed. But if she's gone over your head at work - you can't afford to have her cause you trouble with your job.

[rlrl]

i was thinking about making up the idea of a girlfriend myself. once she asked me if i was divorced and i was ready to tell her i was (when i was never evenmarried before!). michelle, maybe you can teach me how to lie for once in my life!!

i don't think she ever actually complained to a manager about me--when i complained to my manager about her he had a word with her. they know who i am and they know what she is about, and she has cried wolf to other workers as well

once she asked me for a kiss and i told her "no" and what pisses me off is that if some hard up moron was stupid enough to kiss her she can always turn it around and yell "harrassment!"

does this sound like a character disorder?

it's like role reversal, what males have traditionally done to women, now it's reversed

what drives this type of character? she is my age(47) and has a 32 year old daughter and at least 2 other kids. what on earth does she want from a balding overweight relatively unambitious man like me when all the low lifes she can be involved with are all upstairs? why doesn't she bother them?

[rlrl]

she has mentioned that she wants to open up her own agency that serves children. do you think she is trying to entrap me into a relationship (not interested anyway) with the expectation that i am going to give her $$$ to put down on a new business? or is she trying to make good on all thje men in her life who have hurt her? if she is 48 and has a 32 year old daughter, she was quite young when she had her first child. i don't know the circumstances surrouding her kids' father, but if i had to guess i might think her relationships have been stormy, and that she's looking for someone who she thinks won't hurt her

i mean really, what do these women want? a coworker like me stays out of her way of her pursuing her goals, and i am the object of derision and scorn for no good reason at all

[mjohnson4381]

Wow...that sounds like a bad situation. I have no idea what causes somebody to act like that. Can you just avoid all interactions with her with the exception of work-related issues? Also, pretending to be in a relationship with somebody else might not be a bad idea. I've been tempted to tell some co-workers that myself, but at the same time, I feel like I shouldn't have to lie just to keep them from hitting on me.

Also, you mentioned that other people think she's crazy, too. So, I don't think you're in real danger of getting in trouble for harassment. Even if she did complain, you can bring up the fact that she harassed YOU by asking for a kiss. That's just not appropriate work behavior.

I feel like most people would get the hint if you just ignore them for awhile. But I might be giving her too much credit.

[rlrl]

you're right, you may be giving her too much credit. i've been told she interprets my indifference as a challenge, and this is characteristic of people with histrionic personalities (lively, dramatic, shallow, rapidly shifting emotions, emotional manipulations and threats, etc etc)

she has also been attracted to other guys on the job who did not reciprocate and took it out on them as well.

i'm not worried about losing my job due to her. it's just so annoying and aggravating the way she seems to always find a place in my head where i don't want her to go

[CESpeed]

I would submit my concerns to my supervisor in writing via email (sending a copy to my personal email) so that you are covered when she starts her antics again. I would also request a meeting with her, my supervisor and human resources. During the meeting state that you are uncomfortable with the attention you have received from her in the past and would like to on record saying that you only want to interact with her on a professional level. Document any and all contact with her. If she steps out of line, report her immediately. Good Luck.

[BLAZER PROPHET]

i think you should kinda keep to youself and pretned she doesn't exist if that doesn't work, maybe take her out, get her drunk and have sex with her as i would never do that myself you see as i am too shy but you may want to to get her off your case as you never know when more people may be fired and then i would really feel bad for giving you this information as i never like to give this type of information and anyways she does sound like a dip and you know maybe you can just ignore her

ya know

[Twinkle Toes]

I think CESpeed had a good suggestion. You don't need to tell this woman anything about your personal life, thus you do not need to invent a make believe girlfriend for her benefit. It's simple - your personal life is not her concern and is off limits.

[Arf Arf]

Tell her you're gay. That oughta do it.

Seriously, though. You answered your own question. You said you "choose to be intimdated by this type of woman". If that's the case, then "choose" not to be intimidated. Why should you give a rat's rump about her? Tell her to leave you alone. Or, take it up with management. This is sexual harassment.