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Has anyone, particularly a guy, dated a woman, only to find out later that she was sexually abused by her father in her early to late teens? If so, did you find out during the relationship or after and how did you or her or both of you together handle it? What are some of the signs that a women might exhibit that may serve to confirm that this type of event occurred in her life and how do you address it with her if they refuse to acknowledge the event ever occurred?
The irony is how this is now being turned on it's head by insinuating that there may be something wrong with someone who chooses to be with a person who has been abused. In one breath, you (the abused) will say you are fine. In the next, there is something wrong with me for being with her (you). This makes absolutely no sense. If I stay with her I'm screwed. If I leave I'm a jerk? This reasoning is on the verge of becoming circular.
It's not like people like those that have been abused are always flying their "abused person flag" at all times. It just comes out at full mast when certain issues which wouldn't be noteworthy in previous relationships occur. I suggested therapy. I suggested that I would accompany her. I tried everything.
When dating or marrying or living with one of these people you have to make a choice: Are her neuroses going to be a huge issue in the future? If you haven't had the unfortunate experience of being used at your own expense in order for a person to heal then you wouldn't know what it is I mean. Trust issues will always be there for these people. Insecurity, rage and all that stuff as well. You WILL be used as a stepping stone to their recovery. Your back will be broken so that theirs can heal. Then, when all is well (supposedly) they will need a re-start. You will be thanked for all you have done and your pink slip will be issued. All under the guise that it is best for the two of you. When in reality, what would have been best would have been to get the hell out at the first sign of this. In all honesty, when a woman tells a man this, it's up to the man to forge his commitment to her in a much stronger way than she will for him. This will leave you in a much more vulnerable position than she is exposing herself to. It's the nature of these relationships (if you can find a good man). They know they can and will leave at any time, while you, the man, are making a commitment that they cannot even fathom. They are used to being the victim and feeling guilty all the time, so they don't mind if they dish out a little suffering themselves. Who they do this to is up to you.
What makes you think I need help? Is it because you do? Projecting will get us no where but where we started. For the abused that place is the abusive act and for us who sacrifice for your benefit that place will be 10 steps behind where we would have been had we decided to just leave this person(you). I need time to heal but I don't need help. I'll help myself by avoiding people with this type of baggage like the plague. Once bitten, twice shy. Simple as that. I will never, ever, ever in a billion years even consider being with a person with this history again.
By the way, I wasn't with her because of societal pressures or any of that crap. I was with her because I loved her.
Last edited by justleave99; 06-30-2009 at 02:39 PM..
While I understand why you feel this way, the reality that everyone has a past. Bad marriage, bad home life, children from a previous relationship, etc. No one is a blank slate when you meet them and it's inevitable that their past will in some way impact you. What you have to decide is how much is acceptable and how much isn't.
Read thru this entire thread last night, If your wife or [ex-wife] wanted to keep quiet about her own abuse and let it destroy your marriage that's a shame. Perhaps waiting 15 yrs to tell you and get counciling was to long, but whats done is done and you have my sincere symphathies.
What bothers me, she had no right to keep the abuse to your son by her brother to herself. I don't see anything here about any counciling for your son. This man is living under your roof? With every ounce of energy in my body, I would have beat the **** out of him. Someone would have had to call the cops to get me to stop. If you are still on the forum somewhere or reading, Please, take your kids and get out, make sure your son gets counciling, so that he doesn't carry this crap around with him and ruin his life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anydamname
I had an affair with a woman I worked with after a year. This was the first time that this had ever happened to me and I told my wife. Needless to say she went off her rocker. I broke it off and we went for counseling and Imargo therapy. Then she told me about her affair that happened 2 years into our marriage. Then I went off my rocker. After 6 months of insanity and seeing someone in her I had never seen before I left the house. The day before signing the divorce papers I pushed her hard for answers and she broke down and told me. Im now back in the house (separate room) but its difficult. My eldest son was abused by her brother (masturbated and called him to watch) when he was 4yrs. Her mother and brother live in an extension to my house. She never mentioned a word about any previous abuse to me. Now I find out her father abused her 2 brothers and her sister. She is going for therapy for the past 6 years. Apparently sexual abuse only came out with psych 2 weeks ago...
justleave The irony is how this is now being turned on it's head by insinuating that there may be something wrong with someone who chooses to be with a person who has been abused. In one breath, you (the abused) will say you are fine. In the next, there is something wrong with me for being with her (you). This makes absolutely no sense. If I stay with her I'm screwed. If I leave I'm a jerk? This reasoning is on the verge of becoming circular.
No one is saying there is something wrong because you chose to be with her...not in the way you think...what I'm stating is, this...
we all have weaknesses...and yes, you loved her, we all loved the ones that hurt us or brought us to despair...but what I'm saying is this...
stop blaming her...and try taking time to figure out why you chose her...
she must have shown flags...
your not a jerk for wanting to leave her...only you can make that decission... everyone else here is not you...we all have a threshold, and I know how bad some women can be...as well as some men....but to blame everyone or label everyone who was abused as being nuts is so wrong on your part.
You can't be married or with someone like this woman and not have problems from it....and sometimes, when you speak with a professional about what you've been through, you get to where you want to be a lot faster. Otherwise, you might be apt to make the same mistake again.
I have seen men totally cut themselves off from society due to the bad women they've been with, or hate all women...I'm not kidding...
so, what I'm saying is, your the only one who knows your own threshold of how much you take...but if you ask me, no one should ever have to take this kind of treatment...no one deserves to...you deserve the best that life has to offer.
it's ok to admit you might have some problems from this relationship...it's only natural to...but, I believe deep in your soul...you fear the same thing your saying...
You have been abused my friend...perhaps not sexually, but I tell you true, verbal and mental abuse can be much worse then any physical...and there is a lot of anger in your words.
What I'm saying is, do yourself a favor and talk to a professional in this field and do some very serious self examination before you dive into another relationship.
There are reasons why you chose this woman, not just because you loved her....more so, there had to be flags before you said "I do".
Do you understand? I'm not trying to point fingers at your or insult you, but more so, help you...
this woman, unfortunately doesn't know any better, and is not about to change...but it's your life...you deserve to be happy....so, do what is best for you...
in the meantime, I'm simply suggesting, as in all our lives...there are things we could do much better when we self examine, not to mention all the answers to many of our questions come flowing in and makes sense, but you've got to be willing to say..."yes, I was wrong for feeling that way"...I was wrong for enabling her for so long, why did I do that? Why was I attracted to her, besides her beauty and figure, what was it about her personality which attracted to me. What flags did I see while we were dating...this could be a tremendous life experience for you, to grow from and be so enlightened and become a much more confident and fulfilled person.
What are some of the signs that a women might exhibit that may serve to confirm that this type of event occurred in her life and how do you address it with her if they refuse to acknowledge the event ever occurred?
Trust is a BIG, huge one! When she finds it very hard to trust people.
When she has issues with porn. Thats another huge red flag.
Just found this posting today after two marriages to women that had been previously abused. The common point the I've seen is "BLAME" being placed on you, the new person in their life, for their past. It's not obvious at first, just as an abuser is not immediately obvious to heir eventual victim. "Run Away" sounds so unloving and insensitive. BUT, I believe it's the best solution, from the onset! They need professional help first and love will not conquer all in this situation!
I once got involved with someone who I suspect was the victim of sexual abuse as a child. I never confirmed it, but based on statements she made, it was heavily implied. Obviously, it's a difficult subject to talk about if it's happened to you, which is why I never pressed the issue. But it did make me wonder about how it affected her ability to have a healthy relationship as an adult. She tended to be very distancing emotionally, loved sex but didn't seem to like to kiss. She also seemed to be more concerned with giving pleasure than receiving it. The relationship didn't last for many reasons, but one was her inability to form any deep emotional bond, despite her best efforts. She seemed to be fully aware of that and conceded that it was probably why all her previous relationships had failed. Anyways, I was wondering if anyone here has dealt with someone that was abused as a child. Did you see indications that it affected how they have relationships as an adult? I don't know enough about the subject to know how they react or if they all exhibit the same behavior and would prefer not to generalize. How each of us views relationships and bonds with people is heavily influenced by the kind of environment we grew up in. So naturally, sexual abuse is going to have a huge impact and potentially shape the relationships you have as an adult. I'm just trying to get a better idea of how.
I had a long relationship with somebody that was a victim of sexual abuse. As much as you think you are being a "good guy" you just can't change people, or wait and hope they change. It's sad to say, but I could never get involved with a person that was sexually abused unless they had moved past it, again.
It's sad to say, but I could never get involved with a person that was sexually abused unless they had moved past it, again.
Because I've never experienced anything like that, I obviously don't know what it's like. I would rather not look at the person as damaged beyond repair. Is it something you can ever truly recover from?
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Dating a Victim of Sexual Abuse
