Thoughts: Your hubby cheated and now has a baby, would you... (dates, how to)
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....have an issue with the children getting to know each other?
This subject came up on The View and Elizabeth Edwards was having a tough time answering that question, stuttering and all - LOL....
It really depends on what happens after the cheating and also how old my kids are.
1. If I divorce hubby and he marries his mistress, then I would want to keep the kids apart. And really, if I were one of my children, I would feel that my dad betrayed my mom with his cheating, so no way would I want to get to know my half sibling. And that makes sense, as kids of divorced parents are usually very angry with their parents not staying together.
2. If the mistress leaves his life permanently and leaves him with the baby, I could see adopting the baby as our own. That is, assuming that I stay with my cheating husband.
3. I stay with hubby. Mistress raises the baby on her own with child support from hubby. There is zero romance or friendship between them. I would keep the kids apart.
4. I stay with hubby. Mistress parts ways permanently from hubby and puts the baby up for adoption. Strangers adopt the baby. That's the best case scenario for me.
Most kids don't want more siblings. As it is, with several, there is always a competition for the parents' attention and affection. Or general sibling competition for the family resources like having their own room, the best toys or picking what's on the tv. So keeping the kids separate isn't going to upset them. Especially since we are talking about a baby born from an extramarital affair.
And this goes along with my general life philosophy of believing that having baby mommas is totally unacceptable and shameful behaviour.
Sister marries.
Sister 7 years younger begins an affair with S1's husband at the age of 14.
Husband divorces S1 exactly 1 year after S1 has his baby.
Husband moves in with mother of both sisters, and S2.
Husband moves into apartment with S2.
Husband and S2 marry as soon as S2 turns 17.
Daughter from S1 is court ordered to visit father 6 weeks every summer.
Husband and S2 have two children (one 4 years younger than daughter with S1, the other 2 years later)
Daughter of S1 knows both boys as brothers and doesn't think of them as cousins at all.
S2 divorces husband (She is accused of cheating, big surprise.).
Both sons of S2 spend occasional weekends with S1 and daughter.
They are all adults now, and daughter of S1 is very close to sons of S2. HOWEVER, neither sister has spoken to the other for many, many years.
Wow, for a sec here I thought he was also involved with the sisters' mother and perhaps had a kid with her, too! Jerry Springer will love this story!
The thing is that the kids will suffer if you keep everyone seperate.
Why would they suffer?! I know I'm an only child. Had I had some sibling somewhere I had no clue about, would I suffer? No! Why? Because I'd never cross my mind!
well for a starter i would stop calling him my hubby and start calling him my ex, my 1st 2 calls however would be to an attorney and a cab to remove me from the house.
Ummmm... better to call a cab to hoist all his belongings over to the residence of his mistress.
He is the one at fault, why should you have to become homeless?
I don't think anybody said they'd force the kids to interact.
Feelings of anger and betrayal can occur just from divorce, cheating or no cheating, child or no child. Allowing that bitterness and pain to bleed all over a kid is unhealthy. You don't have to be Mary Sunshine, but both parents owe it to their children to inflict as little damage as possible. "He started it" is no excuse.
It doesn't matter if the parents 'allow' or not. It is entirely out of their control on how their children would feel, since children have a mind of their own and have their own way of interpreting situations, beyond parental control. The mother may have a heart of a saint for all I care, but it is ultimately the children's decision if they want to have the other kid in their lives or not.
Ok what if the situation were different what if the father just recently found out he had a child that he didnt know about would you not want your kids to meet the 'other child" then? I mean come on the parents feelings should not be imposed on the children. What are they teaching their children that its ok to be childish when your feelings get hurt? Or would you rather the children be taught that life throws curve balls at you sometimes and rather than act like it doesnt exist step to the plate and handle the situation like an adult. Why would you really risk incest or a possible donor for your child in case of a serious illness just because your feelings got hurt. I mean really? What if it does matter to the child and the child acts out as an adult and stops speaking to both his parents over it I bet you would wish youd done differently then. The fact of the matter is you dont know what life may bring you so the best oyu can do is be honest and upfront and hope for the best..nothing good comes from lying.
Like I said, it's the children's right to choose, not the parents'. Parents can encourage all they want, but in the end, it's up to the children to decide.
I think the fear of incest is easy to solve. Let the children know about the situation, including information about the other kid. Then the children will decide to make contact or not. Either way, the children would know about the other kid and if they decide not to have anything to do with the kid, they can also make sure not to marry the kid. End of story.
Like I said, it's the children's right to choose, not the parents'. Parents can encourage all they want, but in the end, it's up to the children to decide.
I think the fear of incest is easy to solve. Let the children know about the situation, including information about the other kid. Then the children will decide to make contact or not. Either way, the children would know about the other kid and if they decide not to have anything to do with the kid, they can also make sure not to marry the kid. End of story.
I agree with you. I'm not sure why you took issue with what I said, because it seems like we're on the same page.
Ok lets put this differently.Say There is no cheating a Man just has a Baby outside the marriage.All is hush hush none of the kids know.But as they get older you find they are dating.
Ok lets put this differently.Say There is no cheating a Man just has a Baby outside the marriage.All is hush hush none of the kids know.But as they get older you find they are dating.
What do you do?
hillman
All the parents and the kids would get together, and tell the truth about their blood connections. Of course, the kids will be upset. Otherwise, the chances of these half siblings dating are really quite remote, unless one lives in small town.
The tragedy about divorces and extramarital affairs is that they do hurt the children involved quite deeply. Sure, there is plenty of divorces and cheating going on in other peoples families, however kids look to their immediate family for their role models. If their parents have a long and happy marriage, even if their best friends' parents have a failed marriage, that happy marriage will help their children try to have their own happy marriages as adults. So openly cheating parents are not good for their kids' future behaviour. As it is, if a child has a parent that is mentally ill or commits a horrendous crime, the child is haunted by worries that he/she has the same bad tendencies inside themselves.
Anyway, while the adults should keep track of these soap operas, I see no reason to mix the children up in it in any way. And just because they didn't know their half siblings while growing up, it doesn't mean when they find out about each other later on as adults, they are going to be more upset about the situation, or regret not playing together as kids, or have a tendency to fall in love with each other.
All the parents and the kids would get together, and tell the truth about their blood connections. Of course, the kids will be upset. Otherwise, the chances of these half siblings dating are really quite remote, unless one lives in small town.
Well I guess you could say one in a million.But I know of a couple that divorced after 11 years.The Guy lost contact with the Kids for 15 years.Regained contact,found one of his Sons was dating a Half Sister from a previous relationship over hundred miles away.
Yes he told his Son.
hillman
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Jerry Springer will love this story!
I know I'm an only child. Had I had some sibling somewhere I had no clue about, would I suffer? No! Why? Because I'd never cross my mind!
